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Tag Archives: fire

A Tale of My Father: The (Almost) Burning Man

26 Mar

March 26, 2018

My father was a man who had quite a lot of stories, and I can vouch that they were true. Stuck in a rioting hoard of women on Black Friday, calling Macy’s to complain about their Santa at the Thanksgiving Day Parade, or refusing to take off in a small plane from the shortest runway of an airport high on cliff, he had some interesting things to talk about. 

This one is short, and though it happened long before I was born, it could have had a dramatic impact on my life.

When he was younger, my Dad-to-be and some of his friends took a road trip. The details of when and where aren’t important and I’ve long forgotten them if I even ever knew them. I want to say they were teenagers but knowing Dad and some of his friends, they were probably in their twenties but acting like teenagers. 

So they were driving and it was getting late and they stopped for gas. One guy got out and was pumping while Dad and the others took the opportunity to stretch their legs. Well, they guy pumping the gas thought it would be a hysterically funny joke to turn the nozzle on Dad and soak him with gasoline. And another friend thought it would be even more hysterically funny to chase Dad around the car with a lit cigarette lighter. 

You can see where this is going.

Almost, almost!

Natural selection nearly took a hard left turn that night but either Dad was a faster runner back then, or his cries of “what the FUCK are you doing?” got through this friend’s thick skull and Dad escaped immolation and lived to laugh about it later.

It’s a wonder I’m here to write about this.

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Snappier Answers to Stupider Headlines (September 2014)

4 Sep

September 4, 2014

You’ve got to love Newser.com, that plucky little news site that no one cares about. No one makes it their homepage, no one goes there for breaking news, but they keep on putting their links out there, everywhere, on the theory that if they throw enough funny pictures in your face you’ll eventually click on something. It’s cute the way they try, like that little puppy that just can’t reach the top of the couch but keeps making those silly little hops in a vain attempt to reach the cushions.

I’ve posted a couple other Snappy Answers to Newser headlines before (HERE and HERE, have fun, click away) and the response has been overwhelming. My great-aunt’s sewing circle, The Newkirk Needles, has sent me no less than three (!) glowing emails heaping praise upon the last installment. Check it out!

Dear Great-Nephew. I received your latest posting of your blog called More Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines. I read it. Regards.

Dear Mr. Tepid Blog. Your great aunt passed on to me your Snippy Answers essay. What class is it for? I thought it was for American history but I’m not sure. But good luck and I hope you get an “A.”

To Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride: UNSUBSCRIBE

They love me! and here are three more headlines to love!

newserb

“House Fire Was Dog’s Fault: Police. No One Else Was Home, Pet Gets Saved.”

Seriously? Isn’t this another variation of blaming your farts on the dog? Everything gets blamed on the dog. Who broke the lamp? The dog. Who spilled milk all over the living room rug? The dog. Who took Ambien, sleepwalked into the kitchen in the middle of the night, tried to broil a steak, then fell asleep on the kitchen floor and woke up late for work and rushed out the door, forgetting about the steak in the oven, and a few hours later the grease caught on fire and set the house ablaze? The dog.

newsera

“Woman’s Buttocks Impaled When Texting While Driving. Christina Jahnz Says She Just Checked Phone For A Split Second.”

To quote Seinfeld, when Frank Costanza found himself in a similar back door predicament (The Fusilli Jerry): “It was a million to one shot, doc. Million to one.” When Oprah issued her No Cell Phone Challenge, I don’t recall getting anally penetrated being listed as one of the dangers of texting and driving. Because that would sure keep me from texting behind the wheel.

newserc

Kid Writes Story About Killing A Dinosaur, Gets Arrested. Mom: ‘We Don’t Have dinosaurs Anymore.'”

And WHY don’t we have dinosaurs anymore? Because of punk kids like your son! Take that, Lady! PWNED!

Somebody better read Ray Bradbury’s story “A Sound of Thunder” because it is about exactly that- a hunter kills a dinosaur. The Simpsons even did a parody of this! Sheesh, it is a good thing Ray Bradbury died in 2012 or he’d be under arrest today.

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