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C’mon, Kohl’s. You can do better.

13 Jan

January 13, 2016

Kohls-logo

Right around Christmas Saarah and I found ourselves shopping in Kohl’s. That’s not a place I shop in during the best of times, but we were out, it was late, and the store was open 24/7 leading up to the holiday, so why not?

I’ll tell you why not.

I don’t care for Kohl’s because as good a deal as their “Kohl’s Cash” may be, it requires the cashier to take the extra steps of digging some out from a drawer, sticking it in the printer to be validated, then stapling it to your receipt along with the 3 or 4 other things that Kohl’s randomly staples to your receipt. (I swear they once stapled an old taco coupon to my receipt.) Now I know that this doesn’t sound like much, and yes, it only adds 30 seconds or a minute to the transaction, but multiply that minute by the 25 people on line ahead of you during the Christmas rush and you can see why I’m not too keen on it.

But that’s not the problem.

Saarah was shopping for clothes and I was doing what I usually do in these situations: carrying her bags. (I also may or may not have been stealing glances at all the boss Force Awakens merchandise, but that’s neither here nor there.) Anyway, there was a nice top on one of the mannequins that Saarah really liked, so we looked around and tried to find the rack they were on. I mean c’mon, of course the mannequin had to be near the rack of clothes it was displaying, right? Right?

No.

So we kept looking and looking, moving further and further away from the display and totally coincidentally, I swear, nearer to the Force Awakens stuff. (“Hey, maybe the top is next to that Kylo Ren cookie jar.”) We eventually found ourselves almost, but not completely standing in the exact middle of the housewares department, two sections over.

And no, the top was not there either.

star-wars-7-kylo-ren-unmasked-pic

Well, faced with no alternative, we did what no man ever wants to do, but will grudgingly do when faced with one of Saarah’s disapproving stares: we asked an associate for help. It wasn’t clear, because the associate was very helpfully not wearing a name tag, but he may have been an assistant manager. I doubt he was a full manager because he was available on the floor, and by their very nature Kohl’s managers are not to be found. They are elusive. Combine the camouflage skills of a navy SEAL and the instinct for self-preservation of a lower primate and you have a Kohl’s manager. (I apologize to any Kohl’s manager who has read- or more likely, has needed this read to them- thus far.)

The best way I can describe him is: He was this guy:

And this was the reason we couldn’t find the top: The clothes on the mannequins are ones that they are out of. If they only have one left they put it on a display. He actually managed to say that as if it was logical and made sense.

So they are advertising clothes that they know they do not have.

I may have too much common sense, but it seems to me that really isn’t a good way to sell clothes. Nor is it a good way to make happy customers. All it makes is annoyed customers who can’t find the items they want. And in our case it makes customers into non-customers. Fed up, we left.

And no, I didn’t sneak back for the cookie jar.

 

 

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Chiller Theatre April 2015: Black Ink and Colorful People

27 Apr

April 27, 2015

I went to the Chiller Theatre Convention this past weekend and as always, a good time was had by all. There were plenty of celebrities. I got my picture taken with Gilbert Gottfried, and he autographed a Dracula Gottfried picture for me.

Dracula Gottfried

You may remember Dracula Gottfried from this blog post.

The interesting thing was, for a guy known so much for his voice, I don’t think I heard him speak to anyone.

I also had my picture taken with Gavin “Captain Stubing from the Love Boat” MacLeod, and yes, he was wearing his captain’s hat. That man knows which side his bread is buttered on.

crop merrill

Along with movie and TV stars, and also a few people you aren’t quite sure how to categorize (AKA The Guy Who Played Chaka The Ape Boy On Land Of The Lost), there were a lot of wrestlers. This is normal for Chiller, and leads me into my biannual Greg “The Hammer” Valentine update. I’ve been doing this since 2012, when he looked like this:

It became a legend that his leathery, almost baseball glove-like face never, ever changed. In fact, he almost never seemed to move. Here he is last year:

Hulk Hogan Fan Appreciation Day at Toyota Park - July 10, 2009

And here he is all the shows in between:

Hulk Hogan Fan Appreciation Day at Toyota Park - July 10, 2009

So what did he look like this year?

Hulk Hogan Fan Appreciation Day at Toyota Park - July 10, 2009

I don’t know. He wasn’t there. This was quite a big blow to me, not because I actually wanted to see him, but because I wanted to see how many years I could keep this joke running. 2012 – 2015. Not bad.

But softening the blow was the fact that Jake “The Snake” Roberts was here this year, and trust me, he didn’t move much either. However, I hope he shows up next year, and you’ll see why in a second. He’s going to replace Greg Valentine as the new running Chiller joke, and it is all because of his mustache.

Here’s how he was advertised on the Chiller site:

grey jake

And here’s how he looked in person.

black jake

That mustache has been dyed to within an inch of its life. In fact, the only thing there to rival Jake’s mustache was Anson William’s hair. Yes, Potsie from Happy Days. His head looked like he had just dunked it in a vat of ink. Sorry there’s no picture, I couldn’t stop staring and lost my senses.

Also there were The Dudley Boys, Bubba Ray and Devon. Immediately after I shot this picture, Bubba Ray shot me a glare that would have scared Andre the Giant. I think he was upset that I took his picture without buying anything. Sorry Bubba.

crop dudleys

I bought a cool Chiller T-shirt and some old paperbacks, and generally had a great time. There was a guy walking around in the creepiest scarecrow costume I’ve seen, and I have no idea if he paid to get in or just walked in like he belonged there. I wouldn’t ask him for a ticket if I was at the desk.

crop scarecrow

I’m already looking forward to October.

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