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Tag Archives: goblins

Imponderable #135: Attack Of The Gay Baboon

6 Jul

July 6, 2017

If the news coming out of Africa is to be believed, it is a dangerous part of the world.

There are more, and I haven’t even mentioned the giant poisonous snails. So with all this in mind, read this next story and perhaps reconsider your travel plans.

click to enlarge

Gay baboon? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The issue here isn’t the baboon’s sexuality at all. If he’s happy then good for him. The problem is that he is sexually assaulting humans. And that’s an important point because it brings us to the Imponderable.

From the animals point of view, is sex with humans bestiality?
The question is Imponderable.

But no, no, we are not done with this story, not by a longshot. Because this is also:

The baboon has given all its victims anal cancer. That’s extraordinary! Sexually transmitted cross-species cancer!

So to recap, going to Africa may put you in danger of having your penis and/or panties stolen, running across a formerly dead hooker, losing your finger to an enchanted ring, encountering poisonous giant snails, and getting sexually transmitted simian anal cancer.

The African tourism board didn’t mention any of that!

 

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Imponderable #62: Zimbabwe (Part Three)

23 Sep

September 23, 2012

Sneak Peek of the Week returns next week.

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Dear Dad. Things are so much fun here in Zimbabwe. Just last week a convention of prophets was called to hunt down the evil spirit who stole all the panties from the women of the village while they slept. They were eventually all found in a heap down the road. You’ll never believe what happened next! A huge owl swooped out of the sky and flew off with a dog in its talons! Yeah, I know, who’d have thought? Anyway, they had to call off the with hunt for a while. I gotta tell you Dad, the chief really didn’t seem too put out. He had this odd smile when he told us he’d have to keep the remaining pairs of panties himself for, get this- “safe keeping.” But they finally got to the bottom of the case, and would you believe…

D’oh! (slaps head with palm of hand) A goblin! I should have known it was a goblin! It was soooo obvious and all the clues were there. Max Simms in my office just won $50. He had “goblin” in our office pool. I had Chief Njelele pegged as the culprit. Sue in accounting had “drunken monkey” and Bob in payroll had his money on “perverted lion.” But goblin? I should have known!

And not just any goblin, a rogue goblin.

A sexually perverted rogue goblin.

“The goblin did not perform to my expectations.”
“We were no longer on good terms with the goblin.”

If I learned anything from Lord of the Rings, it is to never trust a goblin.

So this long, creepy saga is over. I find it only fair to let Chief Njelele have the final word. “People in my area need to behave and desist from engaging in witchcraft. Because of this strange missing panties saga, my area is now known the world over for the wrong reasons, which is a shame.”

Indeed.

Why did the goblin go rogue?
The question is Imponderable.

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