Archive | March, 2011

I Found it (And More!) on eBay!

22 Mar

March 22, 2011

Earlier this month I found a selection of lousy stuff people actually thought would sell on eBay. They were things like a unicorn statue with a missing horn, which makes it a horse statue in my book. There were puzzles with missing pieces and celebrity underwear. This month, lacking in inspiration but needing a blog, I went back to eBay and entered the same search terms. Guess what? The broken unicorn and underwear where still there 17 days later. So I entered some new search terms and found these wonderful sales.

This is the first and last time I enter “fecal” as a search term anywhere. There are more than ten available. If your doctor is buying fecal loops in bulk from eBay it is time to change your doctor.

This remained unsold at 99 cents. And for two! That’s 49.5 cents each! Realistically, it is 50 cents for one and 49 cents for the other. I would email her and ask if I could just buy the 49 cent one. Who needs two? Actually, who needs to order one? The people who need these things tend to be in nursing homes, hospitals, or under medical care so they have them anyway. If someone is simply lazy and doesn’t like to get out of bed to go pee there are other options. Just don’t drink his bottle of apple juice.

I came across these ugly, horrible pants when I searched “damaged.” To begin with, skinny jeans on men ALWAYS look wrong. Sorry folks, they are too effeminate. But these jeans? They have other issues which I’ll get to but first there is the issue of the tail. Huh? Is it part of the pants? Is it an accessory? Does someone think that looks good? And what planet are they orbiting? These are the world’s ugliest pants. The patches, the worn look, the material, the boots they are worn with, everything in that picture screams UGLY! They only thing those pants are good for is burning.  

I can’t get past the tail.

So let me get this straight. Ten bucks for a toy plastic ice cube tray. For one buck I can get a pair of real plastic ice cube trays from the dollar store down the block. There is no difference between the real and toy versions. It isn’t like an ice cube tray is unsafe. And play value? With a toy ice cube tray my kid can pretend to make ice cubes. (Whoopee!) With a real ice cube tray my kid can pretend to make ice cubes. (Whoopee!) And then I can make ice cubes.

I am not one of those guys who thinks clowns are scary. I don’t find them funny either but they aren’t scary unless we’re talking about Pennywise from It or a serial killer. However, there is simply something creepy about a listing for a clown head with a pair of feet. That picture does nothing to make it less creepy.

You really can find anything on eBay. You just won’t want most of it.

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Five FAIL Superman Costumes

21 Mar

March 21, 2011

Superman!

Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Look!
Up in the sky!
It’s a bird!
It’s a plane!
It’s Superman!

Yes, it’s Superman – strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Superman – who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with his bare hands, and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice and the American Way.

I don’t get it. Some guy excitedly yells “Look! Up in the sky!” and two people, equally excited, yell “It’s a bird!” and “It’s a plane!” What are they so excited about? Never saw a bird before? Only the last guy gets it right, and I guess he should be excited. The other two? If they get so worked up over birds and planes I’d wonder how they make it through their day. “Look! It’s a squirrel!” “Oh my God, a loaf of bread!” “It’s a dog with a puffy tail!”

Of course, we all know that  refrain as the iconic opening to the iconic Superman TV show about the iconic superhero that was broadcast in the iconic 1950’s. And no matter who you think of when you think of Superman- Christopher Reeve, George Reeves, Kirk Alyn, Dean Cain, Tom Welling, Brandon Routh, Danny Dark, or (for my money the best) Bud Collyer, I bet that not a single one of you thought of any of these guys.

A comic book convention is a great place to go to dress up as your favorite superhero. You can do it around yourneighborhood but that might just be asking to get beat up. This guy showed up at some comic con in his homemade FAIL Superman suit. He’s all shiny and smooth, he isn’t dressed as Superman, he’s dressed as some Superman sex toy. He has to be all sweaty and his skin irritated and rashy. That thought is so gross that you may overlook the skimpy trunks and the incorrect chest emblem. Is there any surprise that he  seems to be given a wide berth from all the other people there?

Another convention, another FAIL Superman. I’m trying to focus on the costume and not his Baba Booey face and Al Sharpton hair but I just can’t. Is he going for some sort of swashbuckler look? I hope someone buckled his swash right out of there. But look at that suit. It has a plunging neckline, his cape has a collar, and the rest of it? What is it besides total FAIL? If Lex Luthor were holding a gun to my head, and this guy came to my rescue, I think I’d take my chances with Lex.

To this man’s credit he seems to know just how he looks and he’s having some fun with it. I hope. He also seems to be doing something odd with his package and is hiding it behind his cape. Anyway, I don’t know where he got that suit in an adult size. I’ve seen plenty of costumes like that for kids, but not a single one for anyone above four feet tall. Maybe he’s just really short. The suit is still FAIL but give the guy props for knowing it.

In my day I’ve been known to wear a blue Superman t-shirt. You see those all the time, blue with the Superman shield on it. Those are classic. But what makes a FAIL Superman shirt? The belt and red that is supposed to evoke Superman’s tights. Why? What man would wear that? It looks like a miniskirt. It is really a Supergirl costume! Think I’m kidding? Here’s Helen Slater, and of all the pictures I could have used I chose this one because of the FAIL background. I never saw the movie, what’s she doing there?

So what would make that t-shirt worse? How about long sleeves and a hood?

It even has a cape. And look at that guy. He knows how stupid he looks. He is wearing a total FAIL Superman outfit. That is much closer to Helen Slater than Christopher Reeve.

I do, however, want to end with one Superman that I like. The outfit is too good for me to hate it. If I had a dog this is just how I would dress it. Of course once you see the dog from the side the illusion is shattered but with some deft leash handling that will never happen.

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