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Archive | 12:20 am

Mr. Blog Goes to the Movies: Star Trek

31 Mar

March 31, 2011

excerpted from May 31, 2009

This goes back to the good old days when William Shatner didn’t wear a wig and was played by another actor. Christopher Pine played William Shatner and that guy from Heroes played Leonard Nimoy. (Anybody watch Heroes anymore? Man, that show used to be so good. Now it sucks.)  

Thanks to some time travel shenanigans, things are a little different this time around. You know how in the original series we always thought that Kirk slept around but never saw any proof? In this film he actually gets some stank on his hang low from a green chick. Sure, the green chick was hot, but when I say “stank” I literally mean “stank” as her scent glands secreted an alien pheromone that made Kirk’s gonads smell like rancid beef stew. Seriously, watch that film- from that scene on, no one stands within ten feet of him.  

Other differences include Uhura actually having lines and good special effects. Aside from that Vulcan gets destroyed and everything you knew about Star Trek over the last 40 years goes right out the window.  

Some bad guy named Zero had a total mad on for Spock. It seems that sometime in the future he blames Spock for the death of his wife- I think they were having an affair or something, and while they were together in Paris they got into a car accident and the wife died while Spock sustained only minor injuries. (On second thought, that may have been the plot of a Harrison Ford film.) Anyway, in an extreme over-reaction, Zero vowed to travel to the past, trap Spock on an ice world, and force him to watch as he blew up Spock’s home planet of Vulcan, changing the time stream so that Kirk becomes an unlikable jerk and Scotty has some weird little alien life-partner.  

 And would you believe it? Zero managed to do just that. It just goes to show you what a goal-oriented person can accomplish.  

The original cast was totally, er, recast, and only Leonard Nimoy got a cameo. William Shatner wanted a part but his demands were too high. He wanted his face in EVERY FRAME of the film. Wisely, the producers turned his generous offer down.  

 I’m not sure where they’ll go from here, but the next film better have Klingons, Khaaaaaan, and something else starting with K. Kryptonite or something.  

Before Star Trek, I saw the trailer for Up, the new animated  movie (formerly cartoon) from Pixar. In it, a cranky old guy hooks up his house to a zillion balloons and flies away. I hope I am that cool when I’m old. I already know I’ll be that cranky.

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