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Archive | 12:07 am

Five FAIL Superman Costumes

21 Mar

March 21, 2011

Superman!

Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Look!
Up in the sky!
It’s a bird!
It’s a plane!
It’s Superman!

Yes, it’s Superman – strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Superman – who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with his bare hands, and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice and the American Way.

I don’t get it. Some guy excitedly yells “Look! Up in the sky!” and two people, equally excited, yell “It’s a bird!” and “It’s a plane!” What are they so excited about? Never saw a bird before? Only the last guy gets it right, and I guess he should be excited. The other two? If they get so worked up over birds and planes I’d wonder how they make it through their day. “Look! It’s a squirrel!” “Oh my God, a loaf of bread!” “It’s a dog with a puffy tail!”

Of course, we all know that  refrain as the iconic opening to the iconic Superman TV show about the iconic superhero that was broadcast in the iconic 1950’s. And no matter who you think of when you think of Superman- Christopher Reeve, George Reeves, Kirk Alyn, Dean Cain, Tom Welling, Brandon Routh, Danny Dark, or (for my money the best) Bud Collyer, I bet that not a single one of you thought of any of these guys.

A comic book convention is a great place to go to dress up as your favorite superhero. You can do it around yourneighborhood but that might just be asking to get beat up. This guy showed up at some comic con in his homemade FAIL Superman suit. He’s all shiny and smooth, he isn’t dressed as Superman, he’s dressed as some Superman sex toy. He has to be all sweaty and his skin irritated and rashy. That thought is so gross that you may overlook the skimpy trunks and the incorrect chest emblem. Is there any surprise that he  seems to be given a wide berth from all the other people there?

Another convention, another FAIL Superman. I’m trying to focus on the costume and not his Baba Booey face and Al Sharpton hair but I just can’t. Is he going for some sort of swashbuckler look? I hope someone buckled his swash right out of there. But look at that suit. It has a plunging neckline, his cape has a collar, and the rest of it? What is it besides total FAIL? If Lex Luthor were holding a gun to my head, and this guy came to my rescue, I think I’d take my chances with Lex.

To this man’s credit he seems to know just how he looks and he’s having some fun with it. I hope. He also seems to be doing something odd with his package and is hiding it behind his cape. Anyway, I don’t know where he got that suit in an adult size. I’ve seen plenty of costumes like that for kids, but not a single one for anyone above four feet tall. Maybe he’s just really short. The suit is still FAIL but give the guy props for knowing it.

In my day I’ve been known to wear a blue Superman t-shirt. You see those all the time, blue with the Superman shield on it. Those are classic. But what makes a FAIL Superman shirt? The belt and red that is supposed to evoke Superman’s tights. Why? What man would wear that? It looks like a miniskirt. It is really a Supergirl costume! Think I’m kidding? Here’s Helen Slater, and of all the pictures I could have used I chose this one because of the FAIL background. I never saw the movie, what’s she doing there?

So what would make that t-shirt worse? How about long sleeves and a hood?

It even has a cape. And look at that guy. He knows how stupid he looks. He is wearing a total FAIL Superman outfit. That is much closer to Helen Slater than Christopher Reeve.

I do, however, want to end with one Superman that I like. The outfit is too good for me to hate it. If I had a dog this is just how I would dress it. Of course once you see the dog from the side the illusion is shattered but with some deft leash handling that will never happen.

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