February 9, 2016
I am sorry to inform you, Dear Readers, that Allan Keyes has returned to the pages of The Tepid Ride, for apparently no other reason than to insult me. Letters of complaint should be addressed to Allan Keyes himself, as we disavow all knowledge of his activities.
Allan Keyes is back, baby! Now that Mr. Blog has lifted his restraining order, I am back to doing what I do best- improving Mr. Blog’s internet ranking. Just look at this chart I made up found on the internet:
| Views of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride when Allan Keyes does not post | 13 views per month |
| Views of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride when there is a new Allan Keyes masterpiece | 1,068 views per minute |
So Mr. Blog needs me, and if he knows what’s good for him he’ll keep those checks coming.
Anyway, when I am not pursuing my highly rewarding career as a master vintner, I can often be found on the internet, where I use my time productively googling things like old Moms Mabley performances on YouTube.
Google does a stupid picture (my God, I am not going to type “google doodle,” that’s just wrong) for pretty much any event, so according to google, Black History Month is just as important as the birthday of the guy who got a high score on Frogger. Now Allan Keyes is nothing if not loving and tolerant, unless you piss me off, so I have to stand up for Frederick Douglass.
This is the google doodle (ok, I did it) they used to honor Frederick Douglass:
Now I know as much about Black History as the next guy, as long as the next guy is also white, but I say that is not Frederick Douglass, it’s Redd Foxx.
And trust me, no one has done more for black history than Redd Foxx. Except maybe Frederick Douglass. And a lot of other people. But none of them have gotten away with saying this on network TV:
Ah, I love the 70’s. No one gave a crap back then. Tarzan movie, HA! Does laughing at that make me a racist? Uh oh.
But getting back to the point, whatever it was, it turns out that Redd Foxx is a dead ringer for Frederick Douglas
So to sum up:
– Allan Keyes is back
– Screw you Mr. Blog
– Frederick Douglass was born too soon to do standup in Las Vegas
– He also kinda looks like Moses in that doodle too
– Here’s the return of the Fat Guy Eating a Cheeseburger
Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride 
Allan Keyes: Back In Black… and brown
19 NovNovember 19, 2016
Ladies and Gentlemen, my apologies. Once again, I present Allan Keyes. (I’m out of here.)
From the Department of Don’t Blame Me:
Hey, I’m back!
Now I know, after reading that sentence, several questions come to mind:
-Where ya been?
-Who are you again?
-How quickly till you go away?
Well, I USED to post quasi-regularly here, when Mr. B would whine enough to get me off my ever-fattening ass. I USED to be someone. And now, what I am is “Daddy.” And that’s why I’ve been absent from posting. Because when you have multiple infants who feel that sleep is optional, throwing up some content for a blog – even the lazy, thoughtless stuff I churn out – may as well be trying to learn quantum physics. TIRED. Those 3am diapers won’t change themselves.
AND SPEAKING OF DIAPERS…… the other day, Baby Girl Keyes (NOTE: Not her real name) was dressed very fashionably in an outfit that featured pants covered with all of the Disney princesses.
Awww…
She was her usual self, racing around as fast as her hands and feet could carry her, yelling like a lunatic (LIKE FATHER LIKE DAUGHTER!) when she went very calm and still. Which is never a good sign with her. So, being the good father I am, I called for Wife Keyes (NOTE: Her real name) to come check her. And when that didn’t work, I paused 90-Day Fiancee (and we will talk about that show in a future post) and went to check on the kid.
Well now…turns out the kid took one of those diaper-bursting monster dumps that went all the way up her back and down her legs. But as I help her up to run her to the changing table (read: cardboard box covered in newspapers) the only thing I could really notice was all the faces of those Disney princesses were slowly turning brown.
Ewww…
It was hilarious – all these princesses starting to look like Archie Bunker in blackface putting on a minstrel show. (All in the Family season 6 episodes 14 and 15, Birth of The Baby parts 1 and 2. What, you thought I made that up?)
NOTE: These images are, of course, ridiculous, and if anyone is offended, just remember that this is Archie Bunker and if anyone was not a role model and didn’t deserve to emulated, it was him.
Plus, this is a post about baby poop and stains. Don’t look for political or racial discourse here.
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Tags: All in the Family, Allan Keyes, Archie Bunker, black face, blackface, Blackface Bunker, bmj2k, Disney, don't blame Mr. Blog, Fat Guy, fat guy eating cheeseburger, fatherhood, fun with teh internets, gratuitous Kardashian tag, meme, minstrel show, Mr. Blog, Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride, Mr. BTR, no sleep, parenting, poop, princesses, racist, send all comments to Allan Keyes, sitcom, so wrong, sorry, white face, whiteface, wrong