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Retail Re-tales

29 Nov

November 29, 2018

With Black Friday behind us, I certainly hope you all got your, um, whatever the big thing is this year. As far as I can tell, there is no big hot toy or must have item this season. And that’s a real shame. I’m old enough to remember when people were stabbing each other in the backs to get a Cabbage Patch doll or Colecovision. Shopping today just isn’t the same without the threat of premeditated homicide in the checkout line.

But I am old enough to remember back in the 90’s when the retail industry got together and tried to change the image of Black Friday.

For some reason, probably the threat of premeditated homicide I mentioned above, the Big Retail Companies™ felt that Black Friday had a negative connotation. Long lines, crowds, sold out items, murder, etc, so they tried to change the name. Now back then retail was a different beast than we have now. People weren’t shopping online like today, and the stores were different too. People bought clothes at places like Chess King and Merry-Go-Round and shopped in huge department stores like Bamberger’s and Korvette’s. Where are these titans of industry today? Long gone and buried. And it’s no surprise given that these are the folks who tried to change the name of Black Friday to Green Friday.

BAM!-Berger’s!

Yup, Green Friday.

Today that sounds like an environmental message: Go Green This Friday With Recycled Shoelaces! Reduce Your Carbon Footprint By Flying Pantsless This Friday! and yes, it sounded that way back in the 90’s too. But they weren’t thinking of green grass, but of green money. All the green green cash that would be flooding their registers. So to stop people from thinking about long lines and stab wounds, they tried to get people to associate the day after Thanksgiving with Green Friday.

And you know what?

Nobody gave a damn.

And that is why we still call it Black Friday today.

Ah, tradition.

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Dudes In Space!

12 Sep

September 12, 2018

It’s totally time to start a new space adventure!

 


The Time: The future. Way, way in the future, like when you get an estimate on how long it’ll take them to paint your house and it goes way past the estimate and they are charging you for like rags and stuff. What’s up with that? So yeah, that far in the future.

The Place: Space. Somewhere like in a nebula or something. Or a black hole. Whichever is cooler, take your pick. Maybe Underwater? Nah, space.

Super Space Guy Hunk Blockcheese strides across the bridge of his spaceship. It’s really awesome with lots of expensive bling. He stops near the navigator, Callie Fornia, and flexes. He’s like got a crush on her and stuff but he’s too much of a wuss to tell her, so after a couple of minutes he goes to the gym to oil his pecs.

Meanwhile, somewhere else far away, maybe on a planet or a moon or something, there’s this evil guy all covered with tats. He has like a real mad on for Hunk Blockcheese because of something that happened in high school. It was totally his mom’s fault for always buying him those cheap department store pants. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

Blockcheese comes back from the gym, all pumped up. He sits in his chair and wants to know like where they are, you know, with coordinates and things like that. He’s trying to sound all professional and stuff because he thinks Callie Fornia likes those kinda guys.

This spaceship also has robots too, and they can fly.


 

Like wow! This is going to be … good?

 

 

 

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