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The Burger King Was Not My Valentine

29 Feb

February 29, 2016

This is a true story. It really happened.

It was Valentine’s Day and it was cold. No, that’s not a metaphor. The temperature was about 12 degrees here in New York City. It was about 5 o’clock and I was driving home after buying some underwear at the 99 cent store driving back from brunch with Chrissy Teigen and Kate Upton. I was planning to watch Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster on TiVo going to inventory my collection of solid gold and platinum watches at my estate.

This was the first time in over a decade that I was alone on Valentine’s Day, but don’t worry, my love affair with fast food was still going strong.

BURGER-KING-Whopper-Valentine

Anyway, as I was driving, I was thinking about what to have for dinner. There wasn’t much in the house and it was so cold that the idea of going someplace that I had to get out of my car wasn’t appealing. Besides, is there anything worse than walking into 7-11 on Valentine’s Day and buying a stale hot dog and a Big Gulp for one? Despite what you are thinking, yes there is and I found it.

I got yelled at by a kid at Burger King.

Sadly yes, that’s true.

Like I said, it was bone-chilling cold so no way did I want to get out of the car. I went to a Burger King drive-through (not the best idea at the best of times) and almost got into a head-on collision with another car speeding the wrong way through the drive-through lane.

My love of flame-grilled beef (and beef byproduct) undaunted, I continued on. After my heart stopped pounding, I drove up to the order screen and waited. As I sat there staring, it cycled through all the menu options, pictures of food that looked more edible than the food I was planning on ordering, pictures of that Burger King creep, and began again. And again. I waited two full minutes- not a lifetime, but too long to waste sitting at a Burger King drive-through. Unless you have nothing better to do on Valentine’s Day, that is. Eventually, I rolled down the window, shivered in the cold wind, and called out “hello? Anyone there?”

There wasn’t. No answer. The screen kept cheerily cycling through its pictures of onion rings and oddly unappealing chicken fries, interspersed with ads that said things like “customers are #1!” I have to disagree, they were really treating me like I was number 2. (That’s scatological humor at its finest, folks.)

I was going to drive away, figuring that no way was a Whopper worth this level of effort, when a door some feet down from me opened and a kid, no older than 19, wearing a bubble jacket and looking in no way like he worked there, yelled out “DUDE! It’s cold! You gotta come inside!” He had an attitude of annoyance that only teenagers who hate their jobs can achieve. He looked at me like I was nuts and went back inside, door slamming behind him.

And that’s when I drove away.

Sorry BK. Not tonight.

Sorry BK. Not tonight.

Seriously, after that I was going to give them my money? I’m never going back there again. (Not a bad idea considering how unhealthy it is to begin with.) I went home and went to the official Burger King website and found the complaints link and complained. This was customer service at its worst. This could have been avoided by any of these simple things:
A- A sign on the drive-through screen saying the drive-through was closed
B- No attitude from the employee
C- The staff doing their damn jobs and taking my order at the drive-through like they are supposed to

Too cold to open the drive-through window? That’s how I felt about getting out of my car. The difference is THEY wanted MY money.

This was on the 14th. Here is the response I got on the 18th:

Thank you for taking the time to contact BURGER KING® restaurants. As a valued guest, your comments and observations are very important to us. Your feedback is valuable in helping us to continuously work towards providing the best possible guest experience.

Thank you again for bringing this matter to our attention and rest assured that your comments have been forwarded to the appropriate management team so that they may be aware of your concerns. We value your opinion and look forward to serving you again in the near future.

Kind Regards,
BURGER KING® restaurants Guest Relations

As of today I have gotten no further response. I don’t expect one.

And that was the highlight of my Valentine’s Day. Looking back, I really should have gone to Wendy’s. At least Wendy is cute, and she never broke my heart.

wendy

YES, this is a real website.
NO, I have nothing to do with it.
PROBABLY, there have been several restraining orders issued.
OBVIOUSLY, this world is nuts.

 

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Late Night Movie House: Zoolander 2

16 Feb

February 16, 2016

LNMHOC zoolander

In a recent review, Leonard Maltin explained that, for the first time in his career, he walked out of a movie he was intending to review. Unsurprisingly, that movie was Zoolander 2.

But as I embarked on the experience of watching Zoolander 2 at a press screening the other night, I had an immediate reaction of annoyance and impatience. The film was stupid right from the start. I told myself that I was wasting my time for no good reason.

Still, I stayed. Ten minutes passed, then twenty, filled with puerile and unfunny gags; along with gratuitous cameo appearances by everyone from Katy Perry to Willie Nelson. If even one of them had seemed clever I might have summoned some hope for the rest of the picture, but it was not to be.

Mind you, I thought the original Zoolander was pretty funny. I had no reason to expect this one to be so much worse. But it is.

Finally, after almost an hour, I strode out of the theater, proud of myself for taking positive action and sparing myself further insult.

But could Zoolander 2 really be that bad? Sure, it looks bad. And sure, everyone says it’s bad. And yes, the commercials all make it seem bad. But is it really bad? I sent some of the regulars from this blog to check it out and get their opinions.

It's the sequel no one wanted ten years too late

It’s the sequel no one wanted ten years too late

I can relate. I saw the original Zoolander in the theater when it first came out in 2001. I recall laughing here and there, but I also recall that the laughs became less and less as the film rolled on. It became less funny as it went on too, and more stupid. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that as the movie went on, I realized there was less to it than it seemed. It was just a generally stupid movie. I was feeling stupid for buying a ticket. I should have been warned by the presence of Will Ferrell, whose bad films and roles are slowly piling up higher than his good films and roles.

Let’s put Will Ferrell on the Mike Meyers scale.

meyers scale ferrell head

But aside from all that, I sat through the original Zoolander and every other film I’ve paid to see. Unlike Leonard Maltin, I never left a movie before it was over. But In retrospect, there were some films I wish I did walk out on.

ANY GIVEN SUNDAY. This was Oliver Stone at his worst, and that’s saying a lot. The film was close to three hours long and several people left after about an hour and a half. Unless you’ve seen it, you don’t understand the pain we felt in the theater.

STARSHIP TROOPERS. That movie wanted you to root for the Nazis. A lot of people say how great the novel is, and it is- I read it. But none of the satire or real meaning made it to the screen. It was simply disgusting Nazis fighting disgusting bugs. I was rooting for the projector to break.

BATMAN AND ROBIN. Do I need to explain this? To borrow a phrase from MST3K: “Deep Hurting.”

Honorable mentions- I did not walk out but others did.

BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. This was a found footage movie before people knew what that was. I saw it in a theater that was half full when it began, nearly empty when it ended. I enjoyed it but there was a lot of loud and rude complaining from almost everyone else throughout.

THE SOUTH PARK MOVIE. A lot of people brought their kids. Big mistake. They left very quickly, but as soon as I realized it was a foul-mouthed musical, I settled in and enjoyed the ride.

 

BONUS! ROGER EBERT’S REVIEW OF NORTH (the movie, not Kanye’s kid)

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

Best review ever!

 

 

 

 

 

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