Tag Archives: whopper

The Burger King Was Not My Valentine

29 Feb

February 29, 2016

This is a true story. It really happened.

It was Valentine’s Day and it was cold. No, that’s not a metaphor. The temperature was about 12 degrees here in New York City. It was about 5 o’clock and I was driving home after buying some underwear at the 99 cent store driving back from brunch with Chrissy Teigen and Kate Upton. I was planning to watch Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster on TiVo going to inventory my collection of solid gold and platinum watches at my estate.

This was the first time in over a decade that I was alone on Valentine’s Day, but don’t worry, my love affair with fast food was still going strong.


Anyway, as I was driving, I was thinking about what to have for dinner. There wasn’t much in the house and it was so cold that the idea of going someplace that I had to get out of my car wasn’t appealing. Besides, is there anything worse than walking into 7-11 on Valentine’s Day and buying a stale hot dog and a Big Gulp for one? Despite what you are thinking, yes there is and I found it.

I got yelled at by a kid at Burger King.

Sadly yes, that’s true.

Like I said, it was bone-chilling cold so no way did I want to get out of the car. I went to a Burger King drive-through (not the best idea at the best of times) and almost got into a head-on collision with another car speeding the wrong way through the drive-through lane.

My love of flame-grilled beef (and beef byproduct) undaunted, I continued on. After my heart stopped pounding, I drove up to the order screen and waited. As I sat there staring, it cycled through all the menu options, pictures of food that looked more edible than the food I was planning on ordering, pictures of that Burger King creep, and began again. And again. I waited two full minutes- not a lifetime, but too long to waste sitting at a Burger King drive-through. Unless you have nothing better to do on Valentine’s Day, that is. Eventually, I rolled down the window, shivered in the cold wind, and called out “hello? Anyone there?”

There wasn’t. No answer. The screen kept cheerily cycling through its pictures of onion rings and oddly unappealing chicken fries, interspersed with ads that said things like “customers are #1!” I have to disagree, they were really treating me like I was number 2. (That’s scatological humor at its finest, folks.)

I was going to drive away, figuring that no way was a Whopper worth this level of effort, when a door some feet down from me opened and a kid, no older than 19, wearing a bubble jacket and looking in no way like he worked there, yelled out “DUDE! It’s cold! You gotta come inside!” He had an attitude of annoyance that only teenagers who hate their jobs can achieve. He looked at me like I was nuts and went back inside, door slamming behind him.

And that’s when I drove away.

Sorry BK. Not tonight.

Sorry BK. Not tonight.

Seriously, after that I was going to give them my money? I’m never going back there again. (Not a bad idea considering how unhealthy it is to begin with.) I went home and went to the official Burger King website and found the complaints link and complained. This was customer service at its worst. This could have been avoided by any of these simple things:
A- A sign on the drive-through screen saying the drive-through was closed
B- No attitude from the employee
C- The staff doing their damn jobs and taking my order at the drive-through like they are supposed to

Too cold to open the drive-through window? That’s how I felt about getting out of my car. The difference is THEY wanted MY money.

This was on the 14th. Here is the response I got on the 18th:

Thank you for taking the time to contact BURGER KING® restaurants. As a valued guest, your comments and observations are very important to us. Your feedback is valuable in helping us to continuously work towards providing the best possible guest experience.

Thank you again for bringing this matter to our attention and rest assured that your comments have been forwarded to the appropriate management team so that they may be aware of your concerns. We value your opinion and look forward to serving you again in the near future.

Kind Regards,
BURGER KING® restaurants Guest Relations

As of today I have gotten no further response. I don’t expect one.

And that was the highlight of my Valentine’s Day. Looking back, I really should have gone to Wendy’s. At least Wendy is cute, and she never broke my heart.


YES, this is a real website.
NO, I have nothing to do with it.
PROBABLY, there have been several restraining orders issued.
OBVIOUSLY, this world is nuts.



Allan Keyes Hates Lucas

23 Jan

January 23, 2014


So no column lately, as I’ve recently relocated to a new hovel and have been experiencing the joys of married life. Apparently the stereotypes are true, and I can confirm: rolling pins HURT. So do frying pans. And since my wife has freakish bicep strength, I can report that having a bridge chair winged at your head to revenge repeated 3:00AM nacho cheese and salt & vinegar Utz gassers hurts also. Just sayin’ is all. TOTALLY IN LOVE!

Anyway, why do I break my marital-bliss imposed silence? To vent about the stupidest ads I’ve ever seen on the subway.  My friends, I give you Lucas, the world’s biggest loser!






Other inanities that Lucas indulges in include paying his rent and (sadly, not able to find a pic and too lazy to take one for proof…) LOVES MAGIC.

(Mr. BTR breaking in here. If I am ever on the subway and I see this guy, I am going to punch him in the mouth. Back to you, Allan.)

So let’s just see what we have here: we have a guy who pays his rent, who likes to dance, who likes to do Yoga, who loves magic (swearsies!) So who is this lame named Lucas? Well it’s obvious to me….he’s HERB, THE LAST MAN ON EARTH WHO HASN’T TRIED A WHOPPER trying to act cool.



I shouldn’t rag on Herb really – he had some serious WWF cred:  (Per Wikipedia): The World Wrestling Federation had Herb appear as a guest timekeeper during the boxing match between Roddy Piper and Mr. T at WrestleMania 2 at the Nassau Coliseum on April 7, 1986. Clara Peller, the star of the “Where’s the beef?” commercials from Wendy’s, also appeared at the event, working as guest timekeeper during a battle royal.



Don’t tell me you can’t see it.  A fake wig, lose the glasses, grow one of those pathetic “I don’t have enough testosterone to get proper facial coverage beards and you have Lucas!

Anyway, I’ve been informed that theory is wrong, and that Herb  Lucas is hawking something called Venmo, which I don’t know what it is, I don’t know what it does, but I do hope that every single person involved with it goes bankrupt and ends up on the breadlines. Do we have breadlines anymore? I’m informed by my wife that we don’t. Ok, I hope we re-open breadlines specifically so the Venmo team has to wait on them. And they should be made to wait a good long time. In frigid weather.

(Mr. BTR again. Judging from all we know about Lucas, I suspect Venmo is some sort of erectile dysfunction medicine, or maybe something really cool, like a fancy top hat or chapeau.)


I’m not the only one on the interwebz to see and detest these ads:


It seems that Venmo – instead of drawing interest, is – in wrestling parlance – drawing “X-Pac heat” http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=X-pac%20heat

There’s even a nifty related meme:


 So in closing, Venmo: eff you.  Lucas:  get bent.   X-Pac: Torn Anus.  Vince McMahon: HERO.  Herb:  HILARIOUS! BEST AD CAMPAIGN EVAH.


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