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I Take It Back: A Note To My Younger Self.

9 Aug

August 9, 2016

A few days ago I came across a post I wrote back in 2011. It is really short, please read it before I go on.

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April 20, 2011

Dr. Zaius’ Parenting Tips

Let me say upfront that I am not a parent so feel free to disregard my advice.

I saw this product in a catalogue today.

OK, I get that kids need to be kept safe from danger, like the calm shallow water in the first pic and the short shrubs in the second, but when you keep your kids in a cage like the one Taylor was kept in I can only say this:

 

Back to 2016. And I have to ask, what the hell was I thinking????

About a year ago, my brother, Allan Keyes, fathered two of the most adorable kids ever to grace the Earth. I know what you are thinking. Allan Keyes? A father? I wasn’t sure he had enough human DNA to procreate with a human being. Well he does and he did, and against all odds his kids are the most cute and intelligent children you could ever dream of. And they better be because when they grow up they’ll have Uncle Mr. Blog to support.

Seeing them grow and get old enough to toddle around and get into everything and everywhere, I can not only appreciate and support those gates, I will personally endorse them. Keyes has ones just like them and they are invaluable. Yes, I still think kids should be able to roam around and explore (under supervision!) but my adorable little munchkins? Damn straight I am keeping them away from those “short shrubs and shallow water.” These kids aren’t getting within 100 feet of a pointy leaf until they are 21 if I have anything to do about it. I panic when I see a scratch on one of their fingers, and little kids get scratches and boo boos all the time. And they are going to wander near a lake? I say not only put them in that cage, raise the gates another ten feet, they’re too short. If I, as an uncle, panic, I can only imagine how their parents must feel.

Plus those things make great octagons for Kiddie Fight Club (as Keyes himself pointed out.)

Anyway, I’m not too big to admit I was wrong. But don’t go too far. Not everything you see in Planet of The Apes can be adapted for parenting. 

pota diaper

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My New Career As An Assassin Starts Now

28 Jun

June 28, 2016

007 blog header

I received this unsolicited email yesterday. It got past my spam filters so it must be legit, right?

info (stina@furumon.lby.se);silvio_escobar@mail.com

Dear candidate,

We have a job in your area and we would like you to participate and complete the assignment.

Job Description :
1. You will receive funds for the task.
2. You will receive instructions for the task you via email in the location and details of the task.
3. You must complete the task as quickly as possible and quietly.

Once you sign up you will access to training materials and consederation.

The assignment will give you $200 per job of 2 assignment a week.

Provide the following information below if you interested:

1. Full Name :___
2  Your Address :___
3. Citys / States / Countrys :___
4. Zip Codes :___
5. Phones :___
6. Ages : .___
7. Gender :___
8. E-Mail :___

Thank you for participation. Your response would be greatly appreciated.

Best Regards,
Kenny Miller
Official Recruitment

There’s no company name and no description of the job. It came from a foreign server and refers to a “task” which must be done “as quickly as possible and quietly.” 

I think they want me to kill someone. I think I am being hired as an assassin.

Career change!

007 blog

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FYI- that’s the real email, with the real sender’s information at the top and the real errors and misspellings. If you are interested in either becoming an assassin or having your identity stolen, contact them at your own risk. Tell ’em Mr. Blog sent ya!

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