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Amos And His Last Stand

13 Aug

August 13, 2021

Before we begin what may be our last Amos adventure, an explanation is in order.

One thing I never do in this blog is lie. Everything I say happened, actually happened. I may exaggerate, I may highlight or downplay certain things, and I certainly write for comedic effect, but if I say something happened, it happened. And if I say something was said, it was said.

But for this particular blog, I am going to present, completely unaltered, and in his own, exact words, a story about Amos, by Amos, from an official report turned in on a case by Amos.

What I will present are pages 8, 9, and 10 of a ten-page report. Pages 1 – 7 and half of page 8 are irrelevant to this story, concerning a case he was working on and which I of course cannot present. The last paragraph of page 10 is also irrelevant, being specific case issues.

The background is that Amos was investigating an alleged accident where someone claims to have fallen down a flight of stairs. He was accompanied by the super of the building, whose name I have changed to Orson. Orson had been an obstacle, angry and uncooperative, even obstructing the investigation since it appeared that this accident may have also exposed a little scam Orson had going on the side. The events below happened just after the official part of the investigation had ended.

I remind you that the paragraphs below are part of the official case file of this matter, subject to subpoena and legal scrutiny at any time.

As our story begins, Amos is looking at Orson’s cell phone, trying to figure out how to email a video to the office….

________________________________

PAGE 8

I looked hard at the phone trying to see if I could do anything, but it was hard to figure out even though I’ve done plenty of email forwards as our office knows.

I then said OK, we’ll figure something out and we agreed on rescheduling his interview for another day. I then thanked him for his time, extended my hand in a handshake, and Orson left me like that for a good long while and he finally said, “we’re good.”

However, before I left, he asked if I wanted to use the bathroom which I really had to do. He then went down a corridor some 40 feet turned on the bathroom light,

PAGE 9

came back and said go ahead. I then went to the bathroom and finished doing number 1. I turned about to leave the bathroom and tripped and almost fell due to a plastic soap bottle on the bathroom floor on the side by the door. When I left the bathroom, I left the bathroom light on otherwise the corridor would be too dark to navigate.

On the way back I thought to myself not to mention this as I didn’t want to make an issue of it with Orson’s attitude. However, when I got back to the kitchen area, Orson walked past me not saying anything and went back down to the bathroom, thinking he maybe wanted to spot the bathroom light.

It turned out Orson came back with that plastic soap bottle (he must have heard me tripping) gave me a nasty look and went to the sink to rinse off the bottle. I then told him I didn’t want to make an issue of it but now told him I tripped and almost fell over that soap bottle that was on the bathroom floor.

PAGE 10

Rather than expecting an apology, Orson had the nerve to ask something smells and did I take a krap? (sic) I said definitely not, only did pee pee, flushed and that’s all. I was really taken aback!

Feeling quite upset, I felt I had the right to ask Orson friendly but firmly, is there a problem? He wouldn’t answer and said again leave. Not wanting any confrontation, I said nothing further and left! I really don’t know what Orson’s problem is, embarrassing me and insulting me like that!

____________________________________________________________________________________

I repeat, that’s an official report.

Game Night Will Never Be The Same

1 Aug

August 1, 2020

I’m on Facebook because, let’s face it, I’m just as bad as you. So as I was scrolling down my feed, this ad for a new game came by.

I did not click on that link. Last time I clicked on a random link it only took three minutes before some Ukrainian gangster stole my identity. For all you wondering, this is why in the summer of 2018 this blog suddenly became

Рік грошей містера Блогу, яким ви їдете (Rik hroshey mistera Blohu, yakym vy yidete).*

Anyway, it’s a game that let’s you play as your dog! I have no idea how that can be any fun at all, but that has to be tons of fun, right? RIGHT??? After all, just think of all the great things your dog does: 

  • sleeps
  • eats
  • poops
  • sniffs butts
  • poops
  • eats
  • sleeps

OK, I know what you are thinking, “Mr. Blog, come on. that’s your life. Everyday, to a T.” Well, yeah, you got me. Add in some night terrors and random sweating and yep, that’s my life. 

But now I can have another life, my dog’s life. The only thing stopping me is the fact that I don’t own a dog, but so what? Who doesn’t want to be a dog? Except, everybody, I mean. Don’t get me started on cat owners.

Well, when this game popped up on my feed I have to be honest and say that my first response was very funny but not particularly in good taste. (No, it was not a shih tzu joke.) So if you want to read the joke, you will have to run it through Google Translate. And if you do, don’t blame me. I warned you. It may be tasteless but it is funny….

Чудово! Тепер я можу нарешті стукнути цю суку по сусідству! (Chudovo! Teper ya mozhu nareshti stuknuty tsyu suku po susidstvu!)

I should probably warn you that my response was NSFW. I should have probably have warned you earlier but hey, I’ll just blame that on the Ukranian gangster again. Is it any better if I tell you that I meant “bitch” as in a female dog? 

Клацніть посилання та направляйте гроші в колишній радянський синдикат. (Klatsnitʹ posylannya ta napravlyayte hroshi v kolyshniy radyansʹkyy syndykat).*

* Feel free to run this through Google Translate too

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