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Tag Archives: winter

Return Of The Grammar Fool

5 Jan

January 5, 2018

Longtime readers of this blog may recall that when this blog began, I was an English teacher. Since then I moved on, first to the Company I Am not allowed to name and now to a position as a freelance investigator. What do these jobs have in common? They were all silly enough to pay me.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: The phrase “longtime readers of this blog” may now be an anachronism. The longest-time reader, Mr. Al Bickley, has been a proud subscriber since day one, when this blog first appeared on MySpace. However, he has been in a medically induced coma since 2012 and while technically still a subscriber, he is definitely no longer a reader. The second-longest tenured reader is my Aunt Edwina, whose constant requests to be unsubscribed from my blog have been cheerfully ignored for years, since I know them to be nothing more than playful jests. Though that does not explain why she doesn’t invite me for Thanksgiving anymore.)

But sometimes, the old English-teaching days still haunt me. If you have the stomach for it, go back and check out the many blogs where I complain about bad grammar. (Here’s one making fun of Michael Bloomberg.)  HA HA HA, boy was that annoying. What was I thinking?

I’ll tell you what I was thinking. Read this, which is an actual status I posted on Facebook today.

Let someone else deal with OBJ.

Get it? It works on two levels. It’s funny because A- it’s a bad snowstorm and B- the Giants stink. I’ll take my West Coast Wildcat offense somewhere else, thank you very much.

But here’s where the grammar stuff kicks in. It’s that word “today.” That pesky “today.” There were three ways to write that post.
1- The snow is so bad that I’m skipping my interview today for Giants head coach.
2- The snow is so bad that I’m skipping my interview for Giants head coach today.
3- The snow is so bad today that I’m skipping my interview for Giants head coach.

Speaking now as a former paid English expert, the word “today,” in this context, acts as some sort of adjective modifier thingy, emphasizing that the interview was today (option 1), rather than emphasizing that the position was to be the Giants head coach today (option 2), which would be inaccurate. (But as I read this back, I think option 3, emphasizing that the snow was so bad today, was the way to go. Oh well.) 

See? It makes sense. I realize that most of you don’t care (so why are you still reading? This is the internet, go find some wrestling rumors or tweet or something) but hey, I actually put thought into that stupid status update.

The moral of the story? It is a snowy day, I’m stuck indoors, and this is what happens.

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A Good Old-Fashioned Polar Vortex

22 Jan

January 22, 2014

We had another one of those polar-vortex/bombogenesis things today, just like they had in the good ol’ days when they called these things what they are: snowstorms.

As a public service, I took to Facebook to give updates and helpful tips to the masses.

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7 am: The snow is coming today.

Tip #1- In Brooklyn, it is acceptable to decorate your snowman with empty cans of motor oil and cigarette butts.

 

9 am: It is snowing out.

Tip #2: If you stand outside and try to catch a snowflake on your tongue, you may also catch a dog peeing on your leg.

 

12 pm: The snow is getting harder.

Tip #3: Your local McDonald’s now has 14 homeless guys sitting around the play area.

 

1:30 pm: The snow is getting deeper.

Tip #4: Deep snow can cover a lot of dog poop, so step carefully

 

5 pm: The snow is going to continue all night.

Tip#5: It’ll be dark out. Turn on some lights.

 

8 pm: The snow continues.

Tip #6: So does Keeping Up With The Kardashians. We all have our personal Hells.

 

If I saved just one life it will have been worth it.

Snow

 

 

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