Tag Archives: Urkel

March Madness 2: Electric Boogaloo!

11 Mar

March 11, 2014

keyes

We have two of the final four set so far, in what has been an utterly exhausting marathon of Youtube viewing. I’ve done this because I’m dedicated, because I’m driven….but mostly because I’m bored. I had planned to weigh in on both the hipster beard transplant and monocle stories before Mr. B did, but I couldn’t get past typing “die die die die die die die” on my keyboard before needing to bite down on a stick due to a rage seizure.

Speaking of seizure! These next bracket busters will give you just that because we have some of the most awful entries in this tourney right here. As the great poet Randy M.M. Savage once stated “Snap into a Slim Jim!”  You know what I mean!

Bracket 4

Family Matters (“The Gun”) 

vs. Fresh Prince of Bel Air (“Just Say Yo”) 

OH DAMN! THIS IS GONNA BE SETTLED BY A YOU-GOT-SERVED STYLE DANCE OFF! So let me give the synopsis behind this EPIC feud:  On Family Matters, the daughter narrowly misses getting beat down by a gang and decides to buy a gun to defend herself. Why she didn’t ask her daddy for help I’ll never know. The fat bastid did a great job of snuffing that terrorist in Die Hard.   Oh yes, Urkel raps about gun control, in a clip that the NRA should be using to make guns seem even more cooler than they are.

On the other side, Will is taking uppers for some reason, presumably to prove that he has more street cred than Jazzy Jeff. Anyway, he accidentally gives Carlton uppers with hospitalization hilarity ensuing.

So…..LETS DANCE THIS OFF BEEOTCHES!

SERVE:

COUNTER SERVE:

And the winner………….strangely enough, FONZIE! 

The Undercard:  Diff’rent Strokes (“The Hitchhikers”)

vs Mr. Belvedere (“The Counselor”)

FINALLY. Kimberly is all grown up an HAWT. Hotter than Jean Stapleton that’s for sure. Anyway, this is probably the hottest of all Diff’rent strokes episodes. Cruel tease Kimberly hitches a ride with the wrong man, and we finally get the promise of some hot Dana Plato action before her inevitable death. She’s held captive in a lucky gentleman’s home and he’s aiming to get him some, until lousy rat Arnold escapes and leads the police to the crib, spoiling all the fun for him (and for us) I’m sorry but I can’t imagine any boy over the age of 12 watching this episode and not hoping to see some “Diff’rent strokes” – if you get my drift heh heh. But it aired on CBS, not Cinemax so we were out of luck. On a side note…..what the eff is it with the Drummond kids? They’re always getting kidnapped or whatnot. What’s the point of money if it doesn’t insulate you from the riff-raff?? Then again, the Drummonds seem to like the riff-raff – he married that had Dixie Carter didn’t he?

 As for Mr. Belvedere, first of all let me pat myself on the back for my tag line “Ensign Wesley Toucher” bwah hahahahaha….. Anyway, we also get the promise of some HOT action when cruel tease Wesley is rubbed provocatively by a camp counselor. But Wesley is confused. What to do? If he squeals he may be an outcast! The lousy rat eventually spills the beans, ruining all the fun.  When asked how he was doing after his ordeal, Wesley had the classic line “Well, I got molested. But other than that, pretty good!”

bleah

Now watch the excruciating promo for this episode:

Am I the only one left with the impression that both Bob Ueker and Christopher Hewitt are going to double-team beatdown the molestor after the fade to black???  

 I gotta tell you…..these were some sexy episodes. And while both will go into the old spank bank (Yes, I have some issues and yes I’m going to hell) like the Highlander, there can only be one:

Winner……. Mr. Belvedere!

BRACKET CHAMPIONSHIP:

FONZIE vs Mr. Belvedere.

No contest. Not at all.

BRACKET WINNER:  FONZIE  (?!??!?!?!)…………..um….. ok.

Fonzie?

Fonzie?

BONUS: FAMILY MATTERS RAW! I never knew this existed, and I’m fluent in racist. This one actually shocked even me: 

 

Next time:  “Edna’s Edibles” Bracket to round out the final four!!!

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The Cast of Dancing with the Stars 2012

8 Mar

March 8, 2012

Here we go, yet another celebrity show that is lacking in star power. This season is a bit higher on the “what ever happened to?” and “who?” factors than usual. Seriously, is Urkel still a star? And a Mexican soap actor? Not to disparage anyone, but where are the big names?

Melissa Gilbert 

We all know her as little Laura Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie but my, she has grown. What you may not know is that she was president of the Screen Actors Guild from 2001 to 2005, beating out Rhoda and the guy from Adam-12 who didn’t drive the car. Seriously. She beat Valerie Harper and Kent McCord. I think she should do just fine in the contest as long as Nellie Olson isn’t competing against her.

Donald Driver 

Football players trend to do really well on this show. I suspect that hockey players wouldn’t. (They are all goons.) I hope he wins the Mirror Ball Trophy because he looks like a man hungry for more awards. Literally. It looks like eats trophies.
4× Pro Bowl selection (2002, 2006, 2007, 2011)
1× All-Pro selection (2006)
Super Bowl champion (XLV)
Green Bay Packers MVP (2002)
Packers “Walter Payton Man of the Year” (2002)
Ed Block Courage Award (2005)
Green Bay Packers Receiving Yards All-Time Leader
Green Bay Packers Receptions All-Time Leader

William Levy
A Telenova star apparently known as the “Brad Pitt of Mexico.” There were a lot of nearly unprintable pictures of this guy online that made me wonder if he was more like the Jane Lynch of Mexico.

Sherri Shepherd 

We all know she’s on The View but nevermind that, I know her from 30 Rock where she plays Tracy Jordan’s wife.

And I warn you not to click on this next link.

You clicked, didn’t you?

Katherine Jenkins
An opera singer. Odds are that 90% of the audience will not know her and neither will you. Moving on.

Gavin DeGraw
I know that country music fans are passionate, and he may be very popular, but a big name? He hasn’t even been nominated for an award bigger than a Billboard award, and that was seven years ago. Could this be his big push to stardom? Probably not.

Martina Navratilova 

We all know who she is so there is no point in rehashing her career. She is probably the second biggest name here, depending on how you feel about Gladys Knight. Without a doubt she is a bigger name than the kid from the Disney Channel coming up a bit further down the list.

Jack Wagner
He’s a soap opera actor, best known for his roles on the soap operas General Hospital, Santa Barbara, The Bold and the Beautiful, and Melrose Place. He also recorded a few albums. That’s it. The guy is a blank page to me.

Roshon FeganKid on the Disney Channel. What else do you need to know? This is who Disney told ABC to push this season.

Maria Menounos

She lost bet. We won.

The reporter from Extra. I do not watch that show yet somehow I know that she is the reporter from Extra. She must have a great public relations team. And all the bikini shots of her on the net don’t hurt either. For no particular reason I am hoping she wins. Ok, there are a couple of reasons.

Jaleel White 

Do I really need to say anything? This is like shooting fish a barrel

Gladys Knight

 

It is my sad duty to report that the Pips will not be appearing with her. Too bad. It looks they’ve got some moves.

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