Tag Archives: Twitter

The Gym Saga

4 Oct

October 4, 2016

Yup, I’m a gym guy. Go there almost three times a month. Yeah, I’m pretty buff.

A lot of odd stuff happens at the gym, and that’s not counting the things that happen in the locker room that no matter how hard I try I can’t unsee. 

But this is a story I can tell. I was on the treadmill, doing my usual 30 mile uphill run in 15 minutes, when an old Chinese man wandered into the gym. And when I say wandered in, I mean that literally. He looked confused. The people at the desk tried to stop him but he looked around like he had no clue what was going on, and I think it may not have been an act. He was wearing beat up jeans, a Member’s Only jacket (remember those?) and regular shoes, albeit very worn. He carried a canvas bag which he put down next to an elliptical machine. He got on the machine and for the next 3 seconds or less tried to figure it out. Then he got off and wandered over to a pull down machine, where he hung his bag on one of the pull down handles, tried to push the cushions, and then got up, took his bag, and walked out of the gym. True story.

And there’s more. These are actual things I’ve tweeted from the gym.


Who does this guy think he’s kidding? There’s no Pokémon in my shower stall at the gym. Get that cell phone out of here!


What do you mean, I can’t get a cronut here? What kind of gym is this?


Oh yeah? Well if hydration is so important why did the gym take away my super soaker?????


Apparently, no one in this entire gym is interested in a lively debate about The Canterbury Tales. Smh


OK, maybe some of those weren’t true. But my twitter feed isn’t all cronuts and Chaucer. (“Cronuts and Chaucer” would make a great name for a bookstore/bakery. That’s all mine, you can’t have that idea.) I also give Gym Pro Tips for those of you, like you, who would love some real advice from a real gym pro like myself.

Gym Pro Tip: wearing a shirt with fake muscles underneath at the gym doesn’t help you lift, just makes you sweat more


Gym Pro Tip: leave the French fries outside unless you want snide comments.


Gym Pro Tip: You look impressive in a tuxedo, but you look stupid in a tuxedo on the treadmill. Take it from me, my friends.


Gym Pro Tip. Wear a shirt that is already worn and stained. That way you don’t have to work hard to make people think you’re working out really hard.


Gym Pro Tip: when you get off a machine, increase the weight by 20 pounds. Makes you more impressive to whoever uses it next.


Next time you go to the gym, remember, what happens in the locker stays in the locker room. That’s why I shower at home.



Sephora Can’t Handle Saarah

25 Jan

January 25, 2016

Together, Saarah and I are one of Sephora’s top tweets. Too bad, since we’ve been blasting them online.

I am honored to be among the likes of Seventeen Magazine.

I am honored to be among the likes of Seventeen Magazine.

If all it takes to become a Top Tweet is to call them evil, then they should love my next tweet where I call them satanic devil worshipers. I may be their #1 all-time fan.

It all began as I detailed here, with a bad experience at Sephora on Court Street in Brooklyn. I went with Saarah and we were treated as though we were covered in feces and swastikas (i.e: not treated well at all.) We complained to a clueless “manager” named Gerald who only managed to make us feel as though we were talking to a man who somehow made it through life with only four working neurons in his brain. (Three of them were busy working his mouth, while the fourth was wondering if he just swallowed a fly.) So of course, we did what anyone else would have done. We tweeted our disgust.

twitter crop 1twitter crop 2 atwitter crop 2twitter crop 3Sephora has a crack team of social marketers. They monitor the internet, scour the web, and quickly and personally react and respond to any mention of their product. They put out fires, solve problems, and make customers happy.

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HA! I was just kidding! They have either an automated response system or an idiot working Twitter.

But I am not one to suffer idiots.

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And in case they didn’t get the message the first time:

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My retweet of Saarah’s blog became, briefly, the number 3 Top Tweet at Sephora. As I write this we are still at number 20.

Saarah was also busy tweeting at them.

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Saarah is smart. Much smarter than Sephora. It wasn’t enough to target Sephora. She also made sure to let their business partners and influential makeup bloggers know the score.

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Sephora doesn’t know what they are in for.


Saarah can be found on Twitter @Brooklynrants and online at Rants of a Brooklynite.





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