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MURDERCHIMP!

26 Sep

September 26, 2014

Sometimes when I’m writing I have no idea when inspiration will strike. Remember my awesome TV pitch, President Hobo? That would make ABC millions! If only they answer my phone calls. And my movie treatment for Hamsterus! would have made DreamWorks a fortune, if it wasn’t for that restraining order Spielberg put on me.

Well I’ve done it again. There I was, wasting time on some stupid Hollywood Russell story and I realized what an idiot I was. Some guy from the last century named Hollywood? C’mon, his big claim to fame is that he wears a trench coat. Big deal, so did Winston Churchill at the Yalta Conference. Big whoop. I’ve been wasting my time. The public doesn’t want some old mystery dude, they want something new, something modern.

They want MURDERCHIMP!

I haven’t really figured out what a Murderchimp is, but trust me, this is the next BIG THING! I’m so sure it’ll be big that I’ve already written the back cover blurbs to what I know is going to be my bestselling idea. And it may not even be a book! I have no idea, but this has to be good, I can feel it!

MURDERCHIMP!

WHO is MURDERCHIMP?
WHAT is MURDERCHIMP?
WHEN is MURDERCHIMP?
WHERE is MURDERCHIMP?
WHY is MURDERCHIMP?
HOW is MURDERCHIMP?

435lancelotlink

MURDERCHIMP is the international assassin for hire. He works only for the highest bidders of the highest bidders who can bid even higher!

MURDERCHIMP is the high-flying, tuxedo-wearing, blood-letting, roller-skate traveling, internationally known assassin loved by women the world over and feared by men the world over!

MURDERCHIMP can scale walls, climb trees, eat bananas, and make love in 347 different positions!

MURDERCHIMP! The only chimp/assassin/jet-setter/Blaxploitation hero you’ll ever need!

MURDERCHIMP! Is always capitalized and never marginalized!

CELEBRITY KUDOS FOR MURDERCHIMP!

“It was Murderchimp, Sam!” – Jack Klugman

“I’ll never forget Murderchimp.” – Mohammed Ali

“If only we had Murderchimp to stop ISIL.” – President Obama, before Congress

This is going to be awesome! So what if Jack Klugman is dead, he’d LOVE MURDERCHIMP! So whatever MURDERCHIMP turns out to be- a book, bedsheets, contraceptive, whatever- rush out and buy seven or eight! Trust me, you’ll love it, and I’ll love the cash!

 

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Gaze Into Mr. Blog’s Tepid Crystal Ball

7 Sep

September 7, 2014

This is a classic Elvgren painting. You can search this blog for more.

This is a classic Elvgren painting. You can search this blog for more.

September: End of summer
September: Back to school
September: The month before October

Yup. If you run in the circles I do, September means that soon the stores will be getting rid of the notebooks, folders, and pens they’ve been pushing and will soon be putting out Halloween decorations. It won’t be long until bats and ghouls have their way. (And then we’ll be inundated with Christmas stuff, so enjoy it while you can.)

Coming up in October, you can expect some annual features to rear their Halloween heads and rise from their graves for your enjoyment. I’ve already got my Rise of the Pumpkins tickets so a new Picture Postcard with all sorts of amazing pumpkins will be featured. I’ve also already got my Chiller Theatre tix. Will Greg “The Hammer” Valentine be drunk again? I’d bet on it. Guests this year include the Bionic Man Lee Majors and The Soup Nazi. (“Worlds are colliding!”)

And interestingly, Comic Book Men returns on October 12th.

Why is that interesting? Last season, about a year ago, Allan Keyes and I travelled to Red Bank New Jersey and filmed and episode of that show. It’s the truth. Unfortunately, that episode never aired, but if you go back about a year in this blog you’ll see a few posts (cheese shop, war memorial statue, Buddha) about things we did around the shop during a break in filming that day. I’m not sure why it didn’t air (though come October I’ll talk about it) but I’ve been sitting on an Allan Keyes blog for a year. I signed a contract stating that I couldn’t talk about my backstage experiences until the show aired, but I think I’m no longer bound by it, so I’ll run the Keyes blog and my own posts. But here’s a not-so-spoiler: It is pretty fake and Kevin Smith is never there. After October 12th we’ll tell all.

I haven’t forgotten September, though. You’ve got a lot of good stuff coming up, I promise.

 

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