Tag Archives: James Bond

It’s Jake, From State Farm: Secret Agent

19 Jul

July 20, 2020

Everyone knows the It’s Jake from State Farm commercial. Guy is buying car insurance late at night and his wife thinks he’s  having phone sex. 

“What are you wearing, Jake from State Farm?”

“Uh, khakis.”

Well, there’s a new Jake in town. They even reshot the commercial to insert the new Jake.

Actors get replaced all the time. No big deal. But this is a little different. The actor is clearly not the same guy. Now that can be ignored, James Bond gets a new actor all the time. But this is different. When he’s asked what he’s wearing, Jake leans out to the guy in the next desk and asks if that has ever happened to him. The guy leans back and says “all the time.”

It’s the original Jake from State Farm! He’s sitting in the seat formerly occupied by a different agent in the original commercial. 

They can’t both be named Jake. Obviously, “Jake” is merely a code name. State Farm is a front for some sort of government intelligence gathering agency. It’s obvious. “State,” as in The State, government. “Farm” is an acronym. F.A.R.M.

Agent Jake, from State F.A.R.M. 

 

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MURDERCHIMP!

26 Sep

September 26, 2014

Sometimes when I’m writing I have no idea when inspiration will strike. Remember my awesome TV pitch, President Hobo? That would make ABC millions! If only they answer my phone calls. And my movie treatment for Hamsterus! would have made DreamWorks a fortune, if it wasn’t for that restraining order Spielberg put on me.

Well I’ve done it again. There I was, wasting time on some stupid Hollywood Russell story and I realized what an idiot I was. Some guy from the last century named Hollywood? C’mon, his big claim to fame is that he wears a trench coat. Big deal, so did Winston Churchill at the Yalta Conference. Big whoop. I’ve been wasting my time. The public doesn’t want some old mystery dude, they want something new, something modern.

They want MURDERCHIMP!

I haven’t really figured out what a Murderchimp is, but trust me, this is the next BIG THING! I’m so sure it’ll be big that I’ve already written the back cover blurbs to what I know is going to be my bestselling idea. And it may not even be a book! I have no idea, but this has to be good, I can feel it!

MURDERCHIMP!

WHO is MURDERCHIMP?
WHAT is MURDERCHIMP?
WHEN is MURDERCHIMP?
WHERE is MURDERCHIMP?
WHY is MURDERCHIMP?
HOW is MURDERCHIMP?

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MURDERCHIMP is the international assassin for hire. He works only for the highest bidders of the highest bidders who can bid even higher!

MURDERCHIMP is the high-flying, tuxedo-wearing, blood-letting, roller-skate traveling, internationally known assassin loved by women the world over and feared by men the world over!

MURDERCHIMP can scale walls, climb trees, eat bananas, and make love in 347 different positions!

MURDERCHIMP! The only chimp/assassin/jet-setter/Blaxploitation hero you’ll ever need!

MURDERCHIMP! Is always capitalized and never marginalized!

CELEBRITY KUDOS FOR MURDERCHIMP!

“It was Murderchimp, Sam!” – Jack Klugman

“I’ll never forget Murderchimp.” – Mohammed Ali

“If only we had Murderchimp to stop ISIL.” – President Obama, before Congress

This is going to be awesome! So what if Jack Klugman is dead, he’d LOVE MURDERCHIMP! So whatever MURDERCHIMP turns out to be- a book, bedsheets, contraceptive, whatever- rush out and buy seven or eight! Trust me, you’ll love it, and I’ll love the cash!

 

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