Tag Archives: pitch

MURDERCHIMP!

26 Sep

September 26, 2014

Sometimes when I’m writing I have no idea when inspiration will strike. Remember my awesome TV pitch, President Hobo? That would make ABC millions! If only they answer my phone calls. And my movie treatment for Hamsterus! would have made DreamWorks a fortune, if it wasn’t for that restraining order Spielberg put on me.

Well I’ve done it again. There I was, wasting time on some stupid Hollywood Russell story and I realized what an idiot I was. Some guy from the last century named Hollywood? C’mon, his big claim to fame is that he wears a trench coat. Big deal, so did Winston Churchill at the Yalta Conference. Big whoop. I’ve been wasting my time. The public doesn’t want some old mystery dude, they want something new, something modern.

They want MURDERCHIMP!

I haven’t really figured out what a Murderchimp is, but trust me, this is the next BIG THING! I’m so sure it’ll be big that I’ve already written the back cover blurbs to what I know is going to be my bestselling idea. And it may not even be a book! I have no idea, but this has to be good, I can feel it!

MURDERCHIMP!

WHO is MURDERCHIMP?
WHAT is MURDERCHIMP?
WHEN is MURDERCHIMP?
WHERE is MURDERCHIMP?
WHY is MURDERCHIMP?
HOW is MURDERCHIMP?

435lancelotlink

MURDERCHIMP is the international assassin for hire. He works only for the highest bidders of the highest bidders who can bid even higher!

MURDERCHIMP is the high-flying, tuxedo-wearing, blood-letting, roller-skate traveling, internationally known assassin loved by women the world over and feared by men the world over!

MURDERCHIMP can scale walls, climb trees, eat bananas, and make love in 347 different positions!

MURDERCHIMP! The only chimp/assassin/jet-setter/Blaxploitation hero you’ll ever need!

MURDERCHIMP! Is always capitalized and never marginalized!

CELEBRITY KUDOS FOR MURDERCHIMP!

“It was Murderchimp, Sam!” – Jack Klugman

“I’ll never forget Murderchimp.” – Mohammed Ali

“If only we had Murderchimp to stop ISIL.” – President Obama, before Congress

This is going to be awesome! So what if Jack Klugman is dead, he’d LOVE MURDERCHIMP! So whatever MURDERCHIMP turns out to be- a book, bedsheets, contraceptive, whatever- rush out and buy seven or eight! Trust me, you’ll love it, and I’ll love the cash!

 

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My Next TV Pitch

7 Aug

August 7, 2013

Last year I pitched my sure-fire, can’t-miss movie to Hollywood. Hamsterus, the touching story of a boy and his giant mutated hamster, was passed on by every studio in California, plus two in Argentina. Well, I don’t give up easily, so here is my next big Hollywood idea, a TV series that I am sure is going to be a hit. Here is the first part of my brief treatment of the first act of your new favorite show. Enjoy!

PRESIDENT HOBO

Act 1
Scene 1

Washington DC at night. Streets are deserted. A police car slowly drives through a rundown area, its spotlight picking out dark spots and bleak shadows. Suddenly the police car stops and the spotlight stays fixed on a group of garbage cans.

VOICE OF OFFICER ONE ON POLICE RADIO (crackle of static): We found him. I repeat, The President has been found.

Slow close up on garbage cans. Camera moves around cans to reveal a bum sleeping behind the cans, his clothes little more than rags, his face unshaven for weeks.

Two police officers get out of the car and walk toward the President.

OFFICER ONE: I am so tired of this. How does he keep getting away?

OFFICER TWO: I don’t care but this time they better give him a shower. I’m sick and tired of going home smelling like Presidential stank.

The officers pick him up and not-so-carefully drop him in the back of their squad car.

Seal_Of_The_President_Of_The_United_States_Of_America

Act 1
Scene 2

The White House, the Oval Office.
REX MARGIN and LOLA SAMPLE are pacing the office, BRENDA SITSWELL sits behind the president’s desk with a can of wax.

BRENDA: I wish he’d stop carving his initials in the desk.

REX: I just wish he’s spell them right.

Two Secret Service agents enter the office, propping up PRESIDENT HOBO between them.

AGENT ONE: Look who’s back.

They drop him on the couch.

AGENT TWO: Timber!

REX MARGIN: Thanks fellas, take the rest of the night off. And don’t forget- this never happened.

AGENT ONE: Again.

REX: What?

AGENT ONE: This never happened again. Just like it never happened last week or three times last month.

LOLA SAMPLE: That’s enough officer, you’re dismissed.

The agents leave. LOLA, REX, and BRENDA gather around the couch, where PRESIDENT HOBO lays snoring and clutching an empty whiskey bottle.

REX: You guys know I didn’t vote for him, right?

president hobo

What do you think? It’s going to be huge, right? I can’t wait for this to go into production. Networks love political dramas, and this one is topical and has a dash of comedy. I know that after this, Hollywood execs will be lined up at my door. I can’t wait!

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