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At Least The Pizza Was Good

20 Sep

September 20, 2016

This was not my finest hour.

A while back Saarah and I had lunch at a local Brooklyn landmark. It’s an outdoor pizzeria that has been featured on the Food Network, Travel Channel, and many, many other places. It is nice and very casual and right in my backyard. I’ve been there more times than I can count in my life and never, not once, not even during a blackout when I was a kid in the 70’s, did the nonsense occur that happened last week.

And I stooped to its level.

It was crowded but we got a table outside along the fence. The other side of the fence was the sidewalk. We each had a couple of slices of pizza. I had a can of diet Pepsi, Saarah had a bottle of water. We were seated not 30 seconds, and probably much less, when a woman ran up to the fence from the other side, leaned over, and waved her arms all around in a swirly motion, like she was miming sweeping our food off the table. This was accompanied by fast- really fast- jibber jabber in a language that was totally not English. Nor did it use our alphabet. Or any sounds that remotely sound like human vocalization.

At this point I am going to explain that I am going to be delicately, politically correct and not say which foreign language it was, though I totally know what it was, because the point of this isn’t her race, the point is that I had no idea what the heck she was yammering about and why she was waving her arms in our faces and over our food.

Saarah and I had instinctively moved back- no make that jumped back- from her but when it became clear that she was crazy, but not dangerous crazy, I leaned back in and countered her lunatic fringe talk with some cultured and erudite English.

“What the f–k, lady?!? Get your hands out of my face!”

She leaned back over to her side of the fence, slowed down but didn’t shut up, and instead of waving was now making weird gestures at us, the table, the sky, Pluto, whatever. I had a few ideas. Maybe it was:
A- We had taken her table and she was politely asking us to please leave.
B- She was putting a spell on us.
C- She wanted the pizza. (It was really good pizza.)

But it was none of those. Somehow, and I have no idea how, but somehow I got the intuitive sense that she wanted our can and bottle when we were finished. And I swear, the fact that she had three bags full of cans and bottles sitting under a nearby tree should in no way diminish my amazing intuitive leap.

Having gotten her point, somehow, across, she walked up and down the fence doing more or less the same to every group unlucky enough to have sat near the fence. At some point she must have decided to do some exercises and started to walk in an almost exact approximation of the Monty Python silly walk.


I had zero intention of giving her the containers. My Dad once said that he never gave money to anyone who was wearing better sneakers than he was. (Dad was a New Balance man.) This woman was not wearing sneakers but very nice, clean new shoes. In fact, her whole outfit was clean, new, and fashionable.

But she really pissed me off by keeping an eagle’s eye on that can and bottle. She stared at them. When I took a sip she watched to see if I finished it. She eyed the clear water bottle to see how empty it was. No matter how far down the fence she went she still kept watch on our drinks.

Never was anyone more determined to get ten cents deposit than she was. She was putting $50 dollars’ worth of effort into that dime. The cynic in me would point out that if she put $50 dollars’ worth of effort into, oh, I don’t know, a job, she would have gotten $50 as a result. But I guess the cynic in me is just crazy to say a looney thing like that.

I had no intention of giving her the can (the bottle was still nearly full and would be going back with us) but I had every intention of screwing with her. She was putting $50 dollars’ effort into getting the can, so I was going to put $50 effort into screwing with her.

Sometimes as we were talking I’d pick up the can and “absent-mindedly” just hold the can and shake it, like you would tease a dog with a chew toy, and damn if it didn’t work every time. I never failed to get her attention. I think I may also have accidentally have recreated Pavlov’s experiment and made her drool too, but I wasn’t looking that closely.

Well, this went on a lot longer than you might expect and soon the pizza was eaten, the soda can really was empty, and Saarah wanted me to act like an adult, for once, and leave. I did, but not before I made sure that the can woman was at the extreme other end of the fence.

I stood up, and to make sure the woman knew we were leaving I did a big theatrical stretch, holding the can in the air as I did so. Her attention caught, I started walking toward the exit, and at the same time she started walking toward me.

Pizza sweater. This is my kind of woman.

Pizza sweater. This is my kind of woman.

I was lightly tapping the can against my thigh as I walked.

I got to the recycling container a good ten strides ahead of the woman and held the can over the hole. And kept it there.

I looked directly at the crazy woman as she hustled over to me, arms outstretched, a look of pure looniness on her face.

And then I dropped the can.

The woman howled- yes, howled– something that sounded more or less like “/lbdsg;lb, ;dlfb liuklqar ]0-35jn. Gb,” which is what I got when I shut my eyes and randomly punched the keyboard.

I politely said “excuse me” as I squeezed past her, and Saarah and I walked to my car.

“Did you do that on purpose?” Saarah asked.

Damn right I did.

Like I said, it was not my finest hour.

But maybe it was.







A Long Time Ago… On A Bus…

15 Nov

November 15, 2015

LNMHOC star wars

It was 1983 and we were all looking forward to the new Star Wars film, Return of the Jedi. George Lucas hadn’t yet put a foul taste in our mouths with midi-chlorians and Hayden Christensen, and we were still riding the AT-AT battle high of The Empire Strikes Back. Sure, Lucas was about to shoot first with the Ewoks, but we didn’t know that yet.

Lucas had the gall, the sheer audacity, to release this film on a school day. Seriously? A school day? I had to see this on opening day but back then I never missed a day of school. Headache? Fever? Screaming heebejeebies? Didn’t matter. Unless my arm was hanging by a single tendon I was going to school. My Mom was very, very strict. (I was 12, BTW.) Cutting school was out, and pretending to be violently ill would only get me, at best, a trip to the doctor, so I was stuck having to wait until Saturday, and by then I was sure everybody in the world would have seen this film but me. I had to go.

And then a miracle happened. God’s grace shone down on me, and all copies of Return of the Jedi spontaneously combusted and the world had to wait along with me until Saturday, when new prints would arrive at the theaters. Remember that?

Well no, but a miracle really did happen. That morning I woke up and my mother told my brother (the noted cynic, Allan Keyes) and I that we were not going to school, that instead we were going to see Return of the Jedi. Whoa!

I couldn’t believe it but it was true. A little later we hopped on the bus and went to the first screening. The lines were not as crazy as I expected, but who cared? Not only was I not in school, but I was seeing the new Star Wars film on opening day!

Only one thing could dampen my enthusiasm: an old lady on the bus.

It was a little crowded. Mom had a seat and my brother and I were standing near the front. I was wearing my brand new Return of the Jedi t-shirt, which only came in an unfortunate powder blue color.

Trust me- chubby pre-teens did not look good in that shirt.

Trust me- chubby pre-teens did not look good in that shirt.

I was near the front of the bus, by the first seats which are reserved for either senior citizens or angry teens. (This was long before Brooklyn was filled with hipsters, who now sit in those seats ironically.) There was an elderly grey-haired woman, about 3 feet tall (4 if you count her grey hair pilled on her head) sitting in the seat right behind the driver and she was wearing very, very thick glasses. These were your typical old lady frames, with a string of faux-pearls running from arm to arm behind her ears, and her sight must have been about as bad it could be without her being legally blind because she leaned in close, very close, uncomfortably close, to my chest and moved her eyes across every word of my shirt, sounding out the words to herself- which is to say, very loudly.

“Staaar… Waaars…Returrrn… Of… The…The what? Jed-eee? Jed-eee? What’s a Jed-eee?”

That last was directed to my nose, since she had lifted her head out of my chest and, now looking up, was still way too far into my personal space. Even back then, 12 year old Kid Blog knew when someone was all up in his grill.

So I told her, taking a step back, that it was a new movie, a sequel to Star Wars.

She had never heard of it. Not Return of The Jedi, not Star Wars, and, almost angrily, said that it was a silly shirt. I looked over at my Mom,and my brother and I moved a little closer to them.

“Do you see that shirt?” Now she was talking to the other senior citizens around her. “That’s for some movie. He looks silly in it.” I was being publicly shamed by a random old lady on a bus. I looked at Mom, who gave me a complicated look that said to ignore her, we’re getting off soon anyway, she’s crazy. (I told you it was complicated.)

Well, we got to the bus stop by the theater and to get off I had to pass the old woman, who yelled at me to “stop wearing that shirt! It doesn’t fit you anyway!”

We got off and joined the crowd (Mom had already gotten us tickets) and I was happy to see that not only were there plenty of people wearing the same shirt, but most of them looked a lot worse, and had more pimples, than I did. Geeks in 1983 were the same as geeks today.

But unlike them, I long ago got rid of the shirt. Some of those geeks are still wearing them.


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