Archive | February, 2016

The Burger King Was Not My Valentine

29 Feb

February 29, 2016

This is a true story. It really happened.

It was Valentine’s Day and it was cold. No, that’s not a metaphor. The temperature was about 12 degrees here in New York City. It was about 5 o’clock and I was driving home after buying some underwear at the 99 cent store driving back from brunch with Chrissy Teigen and Kate Upton. I was planning to watch Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster on TiVo going to inventory my collection of solid gold and platinum watches at my estate.

This was the first time in over a decade that I was alone on Valentine’s Day, but don’t worry, my love affair with fast food was still going strong.

BURGER-KING-Whopper-Valentine

Anyway, as I was driving, I was thinking about what to have for dinner. There wasn’t much in the house and it was so cold that the idea of going someplace that I had to get out of my car wasn’t appealing. Besides, is there anything worse than walking into 7-11 on Valentine’s Day and buying a stale hot dog and a Big Gulp for one? Despite what you are thinking, yes there is and I found it.

I got yelled at by a kid at Burger King.

Sadly yes, that’s true.

Like I said, it was bone-chilling cold so no way did I want to get out of the car. I went to a Burger King drive-through (not the best idea at the best of times) and almost got into a head-on collision with another car speeding the wrong way through the drive-through lane.

My love of flame-grilled beef (and beef byproduct) undaunted, I continued on. After my heart stopped pounding, I drove up to the order screen and waited. As I sat there staring, it cycled through all the menu options, pictures of food that looked more edible than the food I was planning on ordering, pictures of that Burger King creep, and began again. And again. I waited two full minutes- not a lifetime, but too long to waste sitting at a Burger King drive-through. Unless you have nothing better to do on Valentine’s Day, that is. Eventually, I rolled down the window, shivered in the cold wind, and called out “hello? Anyone there?”

There wasn’t. No answer. The screen kept cheerily cycling through its pictures of onion rings and oddly unappealing chicken fries, interspersed with ads that said things like “customers are #1!” I have to disagree, they were really treating me like I was number 2. (That’s scatological humor at its finest, folks.)

I was going to drive away, figuring that no way was a Whopper worth this level of effort, when a door some feet down from me opened and a kid, no older than 19, wearing a bubble jacket and looking in no way like he worked there, yelled out “DUDE! It’s cold! You gotta come inside!” He had an attitude of annoyance that only teenagers who hate their jobs can achieve. He looked at me like I was nuts and went back inside, door slamming behind him.

And that’s when I drove away.

Sorry BK. Not tonight.

Sorry BK. Not tonight.

Seriously, after that I was going to give them my money? I’m never going back there again. (Not a bad idea considering how unhealthy it is to begin with.) I went home and went to the official Burger King website and found the complaints link and complained. This was customer service at its worst. This could have been avoided by any of these simple things:
A- A sign on the drive-through screen saying the drive-through was closed
B- No attitude from the employee
C- The staff doing their damn jobs and taking my order at the drive-through like they are supposed to

Too cold to open the drive-through window? That’s how I felt about getting out of my car. The difference is THEY wanted MY money.

This was on the 14th. Here is the response I got on the 18th:

Thank you for taking the time to contact BURGER KING® restaurants. As a valued guest, your comments and observations are very important to us. Your feedback is valuable in helping us to continuously work towards providing the best possible guest experience.

Thank you again for bringing this matter to our attention and rest assured that your comments have been forwarded to the appropriate management team so that they may be aware of your concerns. We value your opinion and look forward to serving you again in the near future.

Kind Regards,
BURGER KING® restaurants Guest Relations

As of today I have gotten no further response. I don’t expect one.

And that was the highlight of my Valentine’s Day. Looking back, I really should have gone to Wendy’s. At least Wendy is cute, and she never broke my heart.

wendy

YES, this is a real website.
NO, I have nothing to do with it.
PROBABLY, there have been several restraining orders issued.
OBVIOUSLY, this world is nuts.

 

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Make Donald Trump Great Again

27 Feb

February 27, 2016

You may not have heard, but Donald Trump is running for President. He hasn’t revealed his pick for VP yet, but I suspect it’ll be him too. Somehow he’ll figure out a way to be his own Vice President, because if one Donald Trump is good, two is great.

The idea of a Trump presidency has a lot of people excited. Take that any way you like.

But one group that loves LOVES the idea of President Trump is late night shoppers. I was watching the knife show on TV the other night (or morning, take your pick, it was about 4 am.) This is a show in which a guy who just walked into the studio sells knives that he knows little about.

“This knife has a wood handle. Looks like teak. Maybe that’s maple. But it’s solid, I’ll tell you that.”

This was their 90 second special. It was the second time I saw this for sale in the past week (yes, I have insomnia) and both times it sold out faster than Hillary Clinton to a special interest.

IMG_20160227_043355

Yes, that is the Donald Trump knife. And no, it is not an official campaign product. So on the one hand, I’m sure that the capitalist in Trump would love it, but on the other hand, the egomaniac in Trump would hate it since he’s not getting a cent from it.

IMG_20160227_043545

My favorite part of the whole thing is the picture they choose. Look at the scowl on Trump’s face. If he becomes President, I hope that’s what his official portrait looks like. That’s a very Presidential scowl, much like FDR had when confronting Mussolini. Maybe.

Not only does this knife say “I support Donald Trump,” it also says “I’ll cut you if you don’t.” Nothing will make America great again like pulling this knife on an illegal immigrant.

 

 

 

 

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