You may not have heard, but Donald Trump is running for President. He hasn’t revealed his pick for VP yet, but I suspect it’ll be him too. Somehow he’ll figure out a way to be his own Vice President, because if one Donald Trump is good, two is great.
The idea of a Trump presidency has a lot of people excited. Take that any way you like.
But one group that loves LOVES the idea of President Trump is late night shoppers. I was watching the knife show on TV the other night (or morning, take your pick, it was about 4 am.) This is a show in which a guy who just walked into the studio sells knives that he knows little about.
“This knife has a wood handle. Looks like teak. Maybe that’s maple. But it’s solid, I’ll tell you that.”
This was their 90 second special. It was the second time I saw this for sale in the past week (yes, I have insomnia) and both times it sold out faster than Hillary Clinton to a special interest.
Yes, that is the Donald Trump knife. And no, it is not an official campaign product. So on the one hand, I’m sure that the capitalist in Trump would love it, but on the other hand, the egomaniac in Trump would hate it since he’s not getting a cent from it.
My favorite part of the whole thing is the picture they choose. Look at the scowl on Trump’s face. If he becomes President, I hope that’s what his official portrait looks like. That’s a very Presidential scowl, much like FDR had when confronting Mussolini. Maybe.
Not only does this knife say “I support Donald Trump,” it also says “I’ll cut you if you don’t.” Nothing will make America great again like pulling this knife on an illegal immigrant.
It was 4am, couldn’t sleep, so I put on the TV. I was tired. Really tired. So tired that as much as my body needed and craved sleep, I could not get to sleep. So I put on the TV.
At 4am I not a discriminating viewer. Things I’d never have watched had more than 3% of my brain cells been active sound pretty good at that time. I’ve watched the knife shopping channel for hours on end in that condition. And I still don’t know how they can sell a katana so cheap. Anyway, it was in that state that I watched about 50 minutes of American Reunion.
American Reunion is the fourth and/or eighth in the American Pie series. It is the fourth film to be released in the theaters with more or less the same cast, but there were also four direct to video American Pie films starring none of the American Pie cast- well, one actually, but I’ll get to that later. These video releases star characters who are relatives of the main cast, like younger brothers and fifth cousins thrice-removed. This film, American Reunion, promised to have all the characters from all the movies, including many of the lower-tier video crew. Every American Pie character from across eight films all together in one film? I had to see it! At 4am!
Right about now, I feel the need to point out that I have never seen a single American Pie film. Here is what I knew about American Pie going into the film:
One of the characters humped a pie
One of the female characters had some sort of experience at band camp, so that when someone on the street says to someone else on the street “one time in band camp…” the other person dies of unrestrained hilarity. I assume something funny completes that thought.
Eugene Levy was in all eight of these things. All of them!
Stifler is funny because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Stifler somewhere in some film acting like a jerk.
Here is what I added to my knowledge after the film:
Stifler is not funny.
Neither was American Reunion.
So what I ended up watching was ¾ of a movie (I missed the beginning and finally managed to fall asleep before the ending) of a franchise I knew nothing about and not getting a single laugh. And here’s the thing: at 4 am I’ll laugh at anything. I’ve laughed at women on Lifetime telling jokes about PMS. I’ve laughed at infomercials for imported German practical joke DVD’s whose punch lines were in Bavarian. Lord help, me, I’ve laughed at John Pinette at 4am. I once tried to make a sandwich at 4am and nearly sliced my thumb off and laughed at all the blood getting my bread soggy but I did not laugh at American Reunion.
Granted, I did not know the characters and granted, a lot of the jokes were based on knowing things from the other films, but jeez, these are films about people either trying to get laid or high, and somehow they turned it into some movie about people getting too old to get laid or high. What the heck? There was a party where nothing happened and a couple of semi-but-not-really-raunchy scenes where you thought maybe some chick would get topless but didn’t. Sure, Eugene Levy got high, but like I said, he was in all eight of these things so I’m sure he was already high when he signed his contract.
Eugene Levy is too good for this. I’m glad he’s working and I’m glad he’s getting a paycheck but, c’mon, he’s this guy:
Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride 
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