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I Say It’s Funny!

20 Sep

September 20, 2018

There’s an old saying that I firmly believe: If you have to explain a joke, it isn’t funny.

But the heck with it, I say. This post below from almost exactly one year ago is funny no matter what anyone thinks.

Back in October 2017, I took aim at the pumpkin spice craze, in which everything from your morning coffee to your evening laxative suddenly gets a pumpkin spice infusion every autumn. “So,” I thought, “why not give the ol’ Tepid Timewaster a shot of pumpkin spice? What could possibly go wrong?”

The joke fell flat, that’s what went wrong. And I blame you. Each and every one of you. All three of my readers, you are to blame. Because this is funny on so many levels that I shouldn’t have to spell it all out for you but I am going to spell it all out for you.

  1. I started with a ridiculous premise, ranking people on a Pumpkin Spice Scale. What does that even mean? How can you judge people based on pumpkin spice? It makes no sense.
  2. I wrote it in an over the top, US Weekly/Entertainment Weekly/People Magazine Weekly style and used silly graphics.
  3. I stressed that I am going to put together a list of “TV’s most beloved and iconic characters,” from “your favorite sitcoms and dramas,” and asked if “your favorite hero or the small screen’s greatest villain” made the list and started it off with Wolf Blitzer. Wolf freakin’ Blitzer, the boring old man who reads cue cards during thunderstorms on CNN. Didn’t any of you get where this is going at that point???
  4. The list then went to the incredibly boring (and not spicy in any way) Phyllis Vance from The Office, but at least she’s a legit TV character. At number three was Barney Rubble, a cartoon character, and he was followed by The Snorks. Is there any sense at all to this list? None that I can see. But it gets better. Funnier!
  5. Next up was Taylor Swift. Now T-Swiss may be my secret crush (if my wife is reading  this, perhaps you should stop reading this) but she is in no way a TV star, and I went out of my way to stress these are TV stars. OH HO! Mr. Blog has gone off the rails!
  6. Captain Kirk comes in next, but I choose the most ridiculous picture of him I could find.
  7. Olivia Benson, from Law & Order: SVU is only half a pumpkin spice ahead of Kirk. Why? How? I don’t know.
  8. President Nixon. ‘Nuff said.
  9. Fred Mertz comes in near the top because, I’ll admit, he cracks me up. He’s the only reason to watch I Love Lucy. The show should have been about Ricky and Fred. Period. But again, I picked the least funny, least spicy picture I could. He’s asleep.
  10. I ended the list of greatest TV characters with Edgar Allan Poe. A man who in real life died about 600 years before TV was invented (give or take a few hundred) and crowned him Television’s Pumpkin Spiciest Character.

I ended the whole shebang with a blatant plea for comments, for people to write in and give me their take on who the most pumpkin spicy characters on TV are. For the first time in years I actually solicited comments, expected the conversation to continue in the comment section, with people who, you know, actually got the joke. And did I get any? No. Not a single one. (I’m looking at you, Aunt Edwina. So now I’m off the Christmas card and blog comments lists? What did I do to you, except sleep in your garage for fourteen years?)

Now excuse me, I’m going to yell at some kids to stay off my lawn. And after that I hear some loud birds I need to shoo out of my tree. And is it me or is the sky too blue today? Dagnabit!

——————

October  8, 2017

It is autumn and that means that it is Pumpkin Spice Season. Everything comes in pumpkin spice flavor. Coffee, bread, steak, arsenic, it’s all pumpkin spice! So in the spirit of the season, the Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride (Home of the Almost OK Blog) have gotten together a list of TV’s most beloved and iconic characters and rated them on our patented Pumpkin Spice Scale.

We’ve scoured your favorite sitcoms and dramas and picked out your all-time favorite and beloved TV stars. We then took the best of the best and ranked them from least to most pumpkin spiciness. Did your favorite hero make the list? Is the small screen’s greatest villain in the top ten? Let’s find out!

 

WOLF BLITZER: 1/2 PUMPKIN SPICE

 

PHYLLIS VANCE: 1 PUMPKIN SPICE

 

BARNEY RUBBLE: 1 1/2 PUMPKIN SPICE

 

THE SNORKS: 2 PUMPKIN SPICE

 

TAYLOR SWIFT: 3 PUMPKIN SPICE

 

CAPTAIN KIRK: 3 1/2 PUMPKIN SPICE

 

OLIVIA BENSON: 4 PUMPKIN SPICE

 

PRESIDENT NIXON: 4 1/2 PUMPKIN SPICE

 

FRED MERTZ: 5 PUMPKIN SPICE

 

EDGAR ALLAN POE: 6 PUMPKIN SPICE

 

Did we leave out any of your favorite TV stars? We hope we listed all of your favorite television characters. If we missed any, please leave a comment below and tell us who you think are the most pumpkin spicy TV stars!

 

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My Untitled Novel Project, Part One (Still Unfinished)

27 Feb

February 27, 2018

Russia tried to influence the Presidential election? Give me a break. They have bigger ambitions than that, and back in 2015 I spelled it out in the opening chapter of my novel.

August 9, 2015

The Time: Now
The Place: The Kremlin

Vladimir Putin has assembled all of his most trusted Communist Party leaders. Standing at the head of a long conference table, Putin dims the lights as a video screen blinks to life behind him. On it is a map of Europe. He leans forward.

“Thank you all for coming here on such short notice.”

The others smile small, tight smiles. Some nod, others simply look straight ahead. They were all summoned out of their beds mere minutes ago.

“As you know, it is our Russian destiny to put our stamp on the world.” As he speaks, the Russian hammer and sickle appears on the view screen above every European capital. “What most of you don’t know is that our destiny is now. It begins tonight.”

The assembled men shift slightly in their seats, glancing at each other out of the corners of their eyes, careful to maintain the smiles on their faces. None want to appear disloyal.

Putin pauses. He looks at each of the men, mentally cataloging which he can trust and which will “disappear” this night. After a deliberately long silence, he gestures to the screen.

“And this is how our dominion begins.”

The picture on the screen changes, dissolving into recent news footage. Now the smiles of the men fade. They openly stare at each other. They have seen the news footage before. It is from a recent Japanese tragedy, and all of them are afraid of what it may mean. Of what Putin may mean.

“This, comrades, this is how we will rule the world!” Putin presses a button, and the video freezes, with one single, terrifying image lighting the darkened room. It is reflected in the glasses of the other men, on their shiny medals, and in their fear-struck eyes.

It is Godzilla.

—————————————
—————————————

Hey, what do you think? Is this a winner or what? Didn’t that have you on the edge of your seat? I don’t want to give too much away, but crazy ol’ Putin has found a way to control Godzilla, and he going to use him to destroy the world. Will he succeed? Can he be stopped? And what the heck do Gummy Bears have to do with it? You’ll just have to wait and find out!

(It might be a long wait. That’s all I wrote.)

putnin-rifle

He’s a bad man!

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