Tag Archives: cell phone

Amos’ Moment of Terror

12 Jul

July 12, 2021

Amos: I didn’t know where I was!
Me: But you went-
Amos: Then the lights went out!

Amos comes to the office once a week, every week, for as long as he has been working for the company. He has been working for the company for better than two decades.

Amos has had some issues with the fax machine my boss bought him.

Amos: I sent it back to the manufacturer.
Me: Didn’t it come from Amazon?
Amos: It came in the mail.

After exhausting every effort to get the fax machine working, my boss finally faced the reality that he was fighting a losing battle. He printed out the return free shipping label from Amazon and asked Amos to pack up the machine and send it back to Amazon.

Amos took it to his neighborhood Staples, where they boxed it up and shipped it to Cannon, for $32.75.

Amos: It was the right thing to do.

With no fax machine, it was more important than ever to get his email working. He had somehow blocked me so neither I nor our general office account (also blocked) could reach him. I found out today that he also blocked our other supervisor and the boss. Amos had blacklisted the three most important people in the office.

I found the directions to remove the blacklist. I told Amos it would probably take me a few minutes.

Amos: Can you take your time?
Me: Sure.
Amos: I have to go to the bathroom. I might be awhile.
Me:
Amos: I’ll bring my phone.

Amos had not returned after awhile. I was not sure how long but I had finished the email and moved on to other work. Then:

Amos: I got lost!
Me: Where did you go?
Amos: I went to the bathroom.
Me: Our bathroom?
Amos: The lights are on a timer. They only give you 15 minutes.

Amos explained that he was in the bathroom when the lights went out. He did not know what to do. Amos explained that after he completed his business, he slowly opened the stall door. Amos did not want to hit his head on the door, he said, so he turned with the door and closed it. But now he was turned around.

Amos: I was afraid to move.
Me: Shouldn’t the lights have come back on? There’s a motion sensor.
Amos: I moved so slow I guess it didn’t see me.

Amos, in closing the stall door, had spun himself around and did not know if he was facing a sink, a stall, or a wall. He felt for the wall and then made his way along it, feeling along inch by inch, until he found the door and escaped the 8′ by 10′ room.

I tested Amos’ email before he left. We are all still blocked. The problem must be in his phone, not the account settings on the sever. Amos is now effectively unemployed until he gets this problem solved. He’ll probably buy a new phone.

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Snappier Answers to Stupider Headlines (September 2014)

4 Sep

September 4, 2014

You’ve got to love Newser.com, that plucky little news site that no one cares about. No one makes it their homepage, no one goes there for breaking news, but they keep on putting their links out there, everywhere, on the theory that if they throw enough funny pictures in your face you’ll eventually click on something. It’s cute the way they try, like that little puppy that just can’t reach the top of the couch but keeps making those silly little hops in a vain attempt to reach the cushions.

I’ve posted a couple other Snappy Answers to Newser headlines before (HERE and HERE, have fun, click away) and the response has been overwhelming. My great-aunt’s sewing circle, The Newkirk Needles, has sent me no less than three (!) glowing emails heaping praise upon the last installment. Check it out!

Dear Great-Nephew. I received your latest posting of your blog called More Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines. I read it. Regards.

Dear Mr. Tepid Blog. Your great aunt passed on to me your Snippy Answers essay. What class is it for? I thought it was for American history but I’m not sure. But good luck and I hope you get an “A.”

To Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride: UNSUBSCRIBE

They love me! and here are three more headlines to love!

newserb

“House Fire Was Dog’s Fault: Police. No One Else Was Home, Pet Gets Saved.”

Seriously? Isn’t this another variation of blaming your farts on the dog? Everything gets blamed on the dog. Who broke the lamp? The dog. Who spilled milk all over the living room rug? The dog. Who took Ambien, sleepwalked into the kitchen in the middle of the night, tried to broil a steak, then fell asleep on the kitchen floor and woke up late for work and rushed out the door, forgetting about the steak in the oven, and a few hours later the grease caught on fire and set the house ablaze? The dog.

newsera

“Woman’s Buttocks Impaled When Texting While Driving. Christina Jahnz Says She Just Checked Phone For A Split Second.”

To quote Seinfeld, when Frank Costanza found himself in a similar back door predicament (The Fusilli Jerry): “It was a million to one shot, doc. Million to one.” When Oprah issued her No Cell Phone Challenge, I don’t recall getting anally penetrated being listed as one of the dangers of texting and driving. Because that would sure keep me from texting behind the wheel.

newserc

Kid Writes Story About Killing A Dinosaur, Gets Arrested. Mom: ‘We Don’t Have dinosaurs Anymore.'”

And WHY don’t we have dinosaurs anymore? Because of punk kids like your son! Take that, Lady! PWNED!

Somebody better read Ray Bradbury’s story “A Sound of Thunder” because it is about exactly that- a hunter kills a dinosaur. The Simpsons even did a parody of this! Sheesh, it is a good thing Ray Bradbury died in 2012 or he’d be under arrest today.

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