Tag Archives: apology

Star Wars Episode VIII Wish List (Spoilers? Maybe.)

3 May

April 3, 2016


1- Revenge of the wampa. Remember the wampa ice monster that captured Luke on Hoth? Luke escaped by cutting its arm off with his lightsaber. I want to see the monster, now with a cybernetic arm, come looking for payback. This would explain why no one has seen Luke for years- he’s been hiding from the wampa.


2- Chewbacca’s pants. Chewie is a giant furry beast. Imagine how bad he must smell when he gets wet. I want part of the next film to be set on a water world, forcing Chewbacca to wear thick rubber pants and wading boots to stay dry.

3- Kung Fu. Star Wars debuted in the 1970’s, an era known for disco, polyester, and Kung Fu fighting. Disco Star Wars was a hit, but there were no Kung Fu fighting Jedi. Time to fix that mistake. Also, they must be badly dubbed.


4- Finn wearing a monocle. I just want to see Finn wearing a monocle.

5- Time travel. Star Wars has never included time travel. I say it’s about time. (Pun intended.) Now that Han is dead, a grief-stricken Leia travels back in time to bring back a younger Han. Unfortunately she misses the mark by a few years and now Kid Solo is part of the Resistance. Sure he’s only 12 years old, but he’ll grow.

6- A whole bunch of Darth Vaders. Everyone loves Darth Vader. So how about a clone horde of Darth Vaders, each claiming to be the real Vader, all battling themselves? Imagine what a great lightsaber battle 570 Darth Vaders could have!

7- C-3PO’s purple foot. Anthony Daniels was not a fan of Threepio’s red arm, so much so that they had to compromise and return his golden arm by film’s end. I liked the look. It was the most character development the fussy ‘bot had in seven films. I say make it a running gag. In every film, replace some part of him with a different color appendage.

8- Batman.

9- More Ewoks. Yes, I said more Ewoks. Kylo Ren’s bedroom should be filled with cuddly Ewok teddy bears, all with their stuffing hanging out from one of his angry temper tantrums. Poor kid. He had a rough life.

10- An apology. I still want someone to apologize for Episode I. (Midi-chlorians? Bah!)





What have you been up to, Mr. Blog?

17 Dec

December 17, 2015

I know, I know, I’m sorry. It has been over two weeks since my last post and while I heard the collective sigh of relief (“No new blog today? Good.”) I’ve also gotten lots of questions about my absence. They range from “Hey Mr. Blog, did you finally realize you have no talent?” to “You’re not coming back, are you? Please say no.”

Well, the truth is that I’ve been very, very busy. You see, I’ve been very caught up in some important correspondence with the federal government. Let me give you an example.

Dear Postmaster General

I think I know how to raise the money you need to cover your budget without raising the price of stamps. Why do people today use email to send messages and pay their bills electronically? It has nothing to do with ease and speed. It is all about how yucky your stamps taste. If people liked licking stamps they would use more of them. Just add some cherry flavor and watch sales soar! Kids love sugary snacks. If they start licking stamps, imagine how many they would buy. And kids wouldn’t even use them on letters, they’d lick them like candy! Just think about how you could market this. “Lick my stamps!” comes to mind.


Dear “Mr. Blog”:

We are in receipt of your recent letter, as well as the 52 before it. This is the last time you will hear from us. Immediately cease and desist all correspondence with our office or we will be forced to take legal action

Thank You

Stephen J Cannell

And that’s not all. I’ve also joined a focus group. If you’ve ever been vaccinated against European screaming measles or West Nile Death Virus, the chances are they tested it on me. Trust me, the vaccines are perfectly safe. Most of the pustules have gone away already, and nearly all of my hair has grown back. (OK, so it hasn’t grown back in the same place, but it came back.)

But I’ve also been hired to do some professional writing. Unfortunately, I’ve had to use a pen name. Breathless Anticipation Press doesn’t think that Mr. Blog is a good name for an author of erotic science fiction. Here’s an excerpt of my upcoming eBook Lusty Space Maidens of Planet Spicy 7, under the name Thighs Mighty.

Captain Rock Longhard stood before his alien captor, Queen Insatiable of the Firm Bodice. She ran her hands across Rock Longhard’s bare chest. Glittering with sweat and panting breathlessly, she gave him an ultimatum: “Remove your pants or I will remove them for you!” Taking out her leather space whip, she said in a husky voice “Please, resist me!” Longhard licked his lips and took off his pants.

So yeah, I’ve got that going on too. Hey, I’ve got bills to pay.

But the good news is that I haven’t forgotten you, loyal readers. The four of you can rest easy that there are more blogs on the way, sometime. Maybe even before the year is through! Don’t forget, the motto of this blog is Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn, which roughly translated means “same Bat time, same Bat channel.”




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