December 17, 2015
I know, I know, I’m sorry. It has been over two weeks since my last post and while I heard the collective sigh of relief (“No new blog today? Good.”) I’ve also gotten lots of questions about my absence. They range from “Hey Mr. Blog, did you finally realize you have no talent?” to “You’re not coming back, are you? Please say no.”
Well, the truth is that I’ve been very, very busy. You see, I’ve been very caught up in some important correspondence with the federal government. Let me give you an example.
Dear Postmaster General
I think I know how to raise the money you need to cover your budget without raising the price of stamps. Why do people today use email to send messages and pay their bills electronically? It has nothing to do with ease and speed. It is all about how yucky your stamps taste. If people liked licking stamps they would use more of them. Just add some cherry flavor and watch sales soar! Kids love sugary snacks. If they start licking stamps, imagine how many they would buy. And kids wouldn’t even use them on letters, they’d lick them like candy! Just think about how you could market this. “Lick my stamps!” comes to mind.
Dear “Mr. Blog”:
We are in receipt of your recent letter, as well as the 52 before it. This is the last time you will hear from us. Immediately cease and desist all correspondence with our office or we will be forced to take legal action
And that’s not all. I’ve also joined a focus group. If you’ve ever been vaccinated against European screaming measles or West Nile Death Virus, the chances are they tested it on me. Trust me, the vaccines are perfectly safe. Most of the pustules have gone away already, and nearly all of my hair has grown back. (OK, so it hasn’t grown back in the same place, but it came back.)
But I’ve also been hired to do some professional writing. Unfortunately, I’ve had to use a pen name. Breathless Anticipation Press doesn’t think that Mr. Blog is a good name for an author of erotic science fiction. Here’s an excerpt of my upcoming eBook Lusty Space Maidens of Planet Spicy 7, under the name Thighs Mighty.
Captain Rock Longhard stood before his alien captor, Queen Insatiable of the Firm Bodice. She ran her hands across Rock Longhard’s bare chest. Glittering with sweat and panting breathlessly, she gave him an ultimatum: “Remove your pants or I will remove them for you!” Taking out her leather space whip, she said in a husky voice “Please, resist me!” Longhard licked his lips and took off his pants.
So yeah, I’ve got that going on too. Hey, I’ve got bills to pay.
But the good news is that I haven’t forgotten you, loyal readers. The four of you can rest easy that there are more blogs on the way, sometime. Maybe even before the year is through! Don’t forget, the motto of this blog is Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn, which roughly translated means “same Bat time, same Bat channel.”