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I Take It Back: A Note To My Younger Self.

9 Aug

August 9, 2016

A few days ago I came across a post I wrote back in 2011. It is really short, please read it before I go on.

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April 20, 2011

Dr. Zaius’ Parenting Tips

Let me say upfront that I am not a parent so feel free to disregard my advice.

I saw this product in a catalogue today.

OK, I get that kids need to be kept safe from danger, like the calm shallow water in the first pic and the short shrubs in the second, but when you keep your kids in a cage like the one Taylor was kept in I can only say this:

 

Back to 2016. And I have to ask, what the hell was I thinking????

About a year ago, my brother, Allan Keyes, fathered two of the most adorable kids ever to grace the Earth. I know what you are thinking. Allan Keyes? A father? I wasn’t sure he had enough human DNA to procreate with a human being. Well he does and he did, and against all odds his kids are the most cute and intelligent children you could ever dream of. And they better be because when they grow up they’ll have Uncle Mr. Blog to support.

Seeing them grow and get old enough to toddle around and get into everything and everywhere, I can not only appreciate and support those gates, I will personally endorse them. Keyes has ones just like them and they are invaluable. Yes, I still think kids should be able to roam around and explore (under supervision!) but my adorable little munchkins? Damn straight I am keeping them away from those “short shrubs and shallow water.” These kids aren’t getting within 100 feet of a pointy leaf until they are 21 if I have anything to do about it. I panic when I see a scratch on one of their fingers, and little kids get scratches and boo boos all the time. And they are going to wander near a lake? I say not only put them in that cage, raise the gates another ten feet, they’re too short. If I, as an uncle, panic, I can only imagine how their parents must feel.

Plus those things make great octagons for Kiddie Fight Club (as Keyes himself pointed out.)

Anyway, I’m not too big to admit I was wrong. But don’t go too far. Not everything you see in Planet of The Apes can be adapted for parenting. 

pota diaper

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Billy and The Dead Meat

25 Jun

June 25, 2016

Are you ready? I’ve got another GREAT idea! I know I have a pretty bad track record at great ideas. My last great movie idea was Hamsterus! Remember that? The touching story of a young boy and his giant radioactive hamster. I tried to get that filmed but there were several roadblocks in my way, such as lack of talent. But I’ve got another AWESOME MOVIE IDEA!

Are you listening, Hollywood? Good.

Mystery is played out. Love stories? Yesterday’s news. How about a good old fashioned Western? Nah. And sci-fi? Unless your name is Mr. Star Wars, tough luck. But I’ve got it.

There hasn’t been a really good stoner film since Seth Rogan and James Franco put out whatever their last piece of crap was. So what we need is a really hysterical stoner comedy. Pot is funny! And that’s what I’ve got in mind. If anyone is going to make stoner movies great again, I will. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

Yes, I am determined to use a bunch of my old logos in this post.

Yes, I am determined to use a bunch of my old logos in this post.

BILLY AND THE DEAD MEAT!

I can hear you now! “Mr. Blog, that sounds amazing! We can’t wait to see your new movie, Billy and The Dead Meat. We love you! We want to have sex with you! Sell me a dozen tickets right now for a ridiculous price! We will pay anything!”

Yeah! I will be happy to take your money! (The sex thing? Not so much, for most of you. Send pictures.) But I think I should probably tell you a little bit more about this incredible film that will totally change your life and make me rich.

See?

See?

Billy is your typical teenage pot smoker. Now I don’t smoke pot and have no idea what teenagers are into nowadays (is Tokyo Drift still a thing?) but hey, how hard is it write a stoner? He smokes, forgets things, falls down and eats a lot.

He is best friends with The Dead Meat. He’s a stoner too but get this! He’s an old man. Think about it! An old man with the munchies! An old man selling pot on the street corner. HA! Old men don’t do that so it’s funny! Maybe I can throw in a medicinal marijuana joke and make it topical. It’ll be great!

Pot! Stoners! A guy called The Dead Meat! The plot? It writes itself! It writes itself so much that I’m not going to worry about writing it right now. I’m sure it won’t be too hard. I’ve got a great title. What more do I need?

All good movies start off with great movie posters.

All good movies start off with great movie posters.

 

 

 

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