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My Review of Sausage Party The Movie

13 Aug

August 13, 2016

lnmh sausage party

Sausage Party, The Movie is an animated film like no other. I mean that literally. There is no comparison, unless I dare to compare it to some of the raunchy 1970’s cartoons like Fritz the Cat. This is an adult film in every sense of the word. And then some.

Seth Rogan is behind this film so you some things going in. It will be tasteless, it will have plenty of F-bombs, and there will be drug use. I think it is impossible for him to do a film without drug use. (Both in the story and possibly during production.)

(For those of you who are wondering, I managed to snag my favorite seat, top row center. I may have tripped a couple of nuns to get it, but I got it.)

In a nutshell, the film is about cute cartoon food items (hot dogs, buns, boxes of cereal, etc) that live for the day they will be plucked off supermarket shelves by “the gods,” who will take home to be pampered and taken care of for the rest of their lives. Of course, they find out the truth that they will be chopped up, blended, eaten and “murdered” in the most horrendous ways possible, all very gruesomely (though not too graphically) animated.

sausage party cast

The story centers on 6 main characters- a hot dog who finds out the truth in the outside world and a group of five- a hot dog and his girlfriend, a bun, a Jewish bagel and an Arab falafel who do nothing but reenact the real-world Israel/Palestine issue, and a horny lesbian taco.

This is a film that is guaranteed to offend someone. In no particular order, there are the Woody Allen-ish bagel and the fiery Arab stereotype falafel constantly at each other’s clichéd throats, sleepy Mexican food, wise Indian “Fire water,” Nazi sauerkraut (in a Hitler mustache) determined to wipe out the juice (yes, “the juice”), and almost any other ethnic group you can think of.

The main group is threatened by an evil douche- yes, he is literally a female hygiene product- who holds a grudge against them for ruining his chance to go the outside world.

Along the way they encounter a human who gets high on bath salts and ultimately ends up beheaded.

It gives nothing away to tell you that the movie ends with a giant food orgy, including hot taco-on-bun action, lesbian oral sex, gay male sex between the bagel and falafel, the hot dogs inserting themselves in any willing food orifices, and every single food item in the store having group sex with every other single item in the store.

Don't tell me you're not thinking about it.

Don’t tell me you’re not thinking about it.

And the douche rams itself in the store manager’s butt where he does battle with the hot dog in the manager’s crotch. (I mean a real hot dog, not, you know.)

At this point, I must tell you that not only does this post contain spoilers but it’s also not safe for work.

Bottom line, this film is very, very funny and is also an equal opportunity offender. The German items are all Nazis, the English tea bags are all interested in tea bagging, the Arab is only interested in the seven bottles of virgin olive oil promised to him in heaven. No one in the theater I was in was at all offended, we were all too busy laughing. This is a foul-mouthed film, a borderline pornographic cartoon, a partial stoner movie, and all funny. And conveniently, the porno parody will not have to change the title at all.

If more films had Salma Hayek as a hot and horny lesbian taco, this might have been a better movie season. That was what Ghostbusters desperately needed.

 

 

Lying Awake With An Online Date (John Newly #12)

2 Aug

August 2, 2016

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Lying Awake with John Newly. Lying Awake airs seven nights a week from midnight to 5 am. From ghosts to aliens to plots to overthrow the government, we’ve got it covered. Now here’s your host, John Newly.

JOHN NEWLY: Thank you very much and yes indeedy-do, this is Lying Awake and also yes indeedy-do, I’m John Newly. A little later on we’ll be speaking with Edgar Collins about his book “Can You Hear Me God? It’s Me, The Yeti.” We’ll also be taking calls on our special astral plane hotline. If you’re listening to us from beyond time and space, that’s the number for you to call. Gosh, I’m really looking forward to that.

But first, I’d like to tell you about some of the special things we’ve got going on here at Lying Awake. I’m very excited and I think you will be too. I know that it’s hard to get a date, especially if you tell people that you listen to this show. Well I’ve got just the thing for you.

tin hat

It’s called Paranormal-ish Date, and it’s for people like you, who want to meet people like you, but can’t seem to meet people like you. It’s a dating site like no other, tailored just for Lying Awake listeners.

Let me introduce you one of our singles. She’s a sexy single spellcaster who describes herself as a wacky Wiccan. She likes bats, beetles, and Beelzebub and she’s looking for you!

Or maybe the paranormal isn’t your thing. Maybe you’re into the dark side of politics, the machinations behind the scenes. Then you want to sign up for Conspiracy Theory Hook Up. No names, no descriptions, not even a picture. We promise to give out zero information about you or your date. Just show up someplace and wait. If you want to be anonymous and meet other anonymous conspiracy theorists in an undisclosed location, log in right now. It’s 100% safe, somehow. We think.

And finally, this one really has me excited, I’m pleased to offer to you Cthulhu Date. That’s right, Cthulhu Date. Whether you are a disciple of Nylarthotep or worship Dagon or Tsathoggua, you’ll find your date, mate, or fate right here. Word has it there’s a big singles mixer at R’lyeh at the next full moon.

Subscribe to any of these services and I’ll give you a free bonus- a copy of my new book, Confessions of a Terrible Radio Host.

Too bad my wife won’t let me date. I’m really interested in meeting some new people. This reminds me of a time I was in Denver. I met a listener at a UFO convention. She was just about 18 years old and- what? Sorry everyone, that’s Fast Eddie, my producer.

[Inaudible, off mic]

OK, maybe you’re right. I’ll save that one for off air. Don’t let me forget, she let me take pictures and everything.

We’ll be right back with your calls, after this message from a company selling shady pseudo-medical pills that I own 35% of.

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(If you think this sounds ridiculous, and it does, you should know that Coast To Coast AM with George Noory really does have Paranormal and Conspiracy dating sites. I can’t make this up. I let Mr. Snoory do it for me.)

nerd love

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