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Tag Archives: bagel

P.I. Work Isn’t All Glamour

20 Nov

November 20, 2017

As my fictional detective Hollywood Russell would be the first to tell you, being an investigator is not as glamorous or dramatic as the movies make it out to be. There is a lot of drudge work and a lot of striking out and getting no results. But like any other job, there are silly, funny things that happen when you least expect it. Take this story, which actually happened to me last week.

My partner and I were in Queens checking out a witness. We were interviewing a hotel manager who was called by the police to provide the video from the hotel security cameras. There was an accidental (it seems) death and it may have been recorded. For the insurance company, we needed a statement. It was provided and we wrapped it up. Cut and dry.

My partner wanted to grab a snack. He’s been on the job for over two decades and it seems that one perk of longevity on this job is knowing every place to eat in the city. So we went to a small diner he knew on Roosevelt Ave and 111th street. I may be a rookie at this game but when it comes to eating out, my instincts have him beat.

The first thing I noticed, aside from the fact that it was dark and dingy, was that the Department of Health rating was “Grade Pending.” Now while I would not normally go into a place without an A rating that wasn’t a deal-breaker for my partner. Hey, it wasn’t shut down, right? That must mean no one has died from their food. (Recently.)

I’m not saying this is the place we went to but yeah, this is the place we went to. Notice that they USED TO HAVE an A rating.

So I wasn’t going to order any food and I figured the best way to stay out of the hospital was to just order a can of soda. It arrived and with it was a glass and a straw. No ice in the glass, just a plastic glass. So what was the point? I picked it up and I didn’t need to hold it up to the light to see that it was dirty. OK, I’m going to drink this straight out of the can. And I’m not going to use the straw either. The waitress did that thing where your straw has already been unwrapped and only the top inch is still on. Why do places do that? Is it classy? I don’t know but this place clearly did not care about class. Class to me is giving a clean glass. And since the straw was unwrapped and touching the dirty plastic that was no longer an option. I wiped the top of the can and drank it that way. But this was simple compared to my partner’s order.

ME: Just a can of Coke.
PARTNER: I’ll have a cup of tea with lemon and a toasted bagel with butter.
WAITRESS: OK, that’s a can of Coca-Cola and a toasted bagel and butter.
PARTNER: Don’t forget my drink.
WAITRESS: Do you want a can of Coca-Cola too?
PARTNER: I asked for a tea with lemon.
WAITRESS: No Coca-Cola?

A couple of minutes later the waitress came back and told him they had no lemon and no regular tea, just green tea or ginger. He took green. That came not in a dirty tea cup but in a paper takeout container so he was probably safe as long as nothing was floating on top.

Right after the tea came she brought over his bagel with butter. It had a big hunk of sausage on it. And not like a breakfast sausage or patty, it looked like a half of a bratwurst stuck between the slices. He looked at me and I looked at him. I had no sympathy. I never would walked into this place to begin with.

My partner called over the waitress (“Hey! Hey!”) and told her he didn’t order any meat on his sandwich. This confused her.

WAITRESS: You don’t want?
PARTNER: Meat. You put meat on it. I didn’t want meat.
WAITRESS: You don’t want?
PARTNER: No, you put meat on it.

I don’t want to give the impression that my partner is not a good communicator but he was definitely not getting his point across.

ME: All he wants is a bagel and butter. Nothing else on it. Bagel. Butter. That’s it.
WAITRESS: Ah.

She took away the plate and after a lot longer than it should have taken (which was another warning sign) she came back with his bagel, toasted, with butter and bacon.

My mouth slowly dropped open. I wasn’t surprised, not really. I was amazed at how stupid the situation was, not to mention the waitress. I looked at my partner who looked stunned and give him a look that asked “OK Champ. Now what? Dare you send it back?” (My facial expressions can be incredibly loquacious.)

“If I send this back who knows what it’ll have on it next. Liverwurst?” So he shrugged and ate it. And how was the bacon? “Crispy and tasty.”

So we left and as we walked back to the car he pointed out another dinky little place and told me that last year he had a whole chicken dinner there.

Next time I choose the restaurant.

 

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My Review of Sausage Party The Movie

13 Aug

August 13, 2016

lnmh sausage party

Sausage Party, The Movie is an animated film like no other. I mean that literally. There is no comparison, unless I dare to compare it to some of the raunchy 1970’s cartoons like Fritz the Cat. This is an adult film in every sense of the word. And then some.

Seth Rogan is behind this film so you some things going in. It will be tasteless, it will have plenty of F-bombs, and there will be drug use. I think it is impossible for him to do a film without drug use. (Both in the story and possibly during production.)

(For those of you who are wondering, I managed to snag my favorite seat, top row center. I may have tripped a couple of nuns to get it, but I got it.)

In a nutshell, the film is about cute cartoon food items (hot dogs, buns, boxes of cereal, etc) that live for the day they will be plucked off supermarket shelves by “the gods,” who will take home to be pampered and taken care of for the rest of their lives. Of course, they find out the truth that they will be chopped up, blended, eaten and “murdered” in the most horrendous ways possible, all very gruesomely (though not too graphically) animated.

sausage party cast

The story centers on 6 main characters- a hot dog who finds out the truth in the outside world and a group of five- a hot dog and his girlfriend, a bun, a Jewish bagel and an Arab falafel who do nothing but reenact the real-world Israel/Palestine issue, and a horny lesbian taco.

This is a film that is guaranteed to offend someone. In no particular order, there are the Woody Allen-ish bagel and the fiery Arab stereotype falafel constantly at each other’s clichéd throats, sleepy Mexican food, wise Indian “Fire water,” Nazi sauerkraut (in a Hitler mustache) determined to wipe out the juice (yes, “the juice”), and almost any other ethnic group you can think of.

The main group is threatened by an evil douche- yes, he is literally a female hygiene product- who holds a grudge against them for ruining his chance to go the outside world.

Along the way they encounter a human who gets high on bath salts and ultimately ends up beheaded.

It gives nothing away to tell you that the movie ends with a giant food orgy, including hot taco-on-bun action, lesbian oral sex, gay male sex between the bagel and falafel, the hot dogs inserting themselves in any willing food orifices, and every single food item in the store having group sex with every other single item in the store.

Don't tell me you're not thinking about it.

Don’t tell me you’re not thinking about it.

And the douche rams itself in the store manager’s butt where he does battle with the hot dog in the manager’s crotch. (I mean a real hot dog, not, you know.)

At this point, I must tell you that not only does this post contain spoilers but it’s also not safe for work.

Bottom line, this film is very, very funny and is also an equal opportunity offender. The German items are all Nazis, the English tea bags are all interested in tea bagging, the Arab is only interested in the seven bottles of virgin olive oil promised to him in heaven. No one in the theater I was in was at all offended, we were all too busy laughing. This is a foul-mouthed film, a borderline pornographic cartoon, a partial stoner movie, and all funny. And conveniently, the porno parody will not have to change the title at all.

If more films had Salma Hayek as a hot and horny lesbian taco, this might have been a better movie season. That was what Ghostbusters desperately needed.

 

 

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