Advertisements
Tag Archives: conspiracy theories

Lying Awake With An Online Date (John Newly #12)

2 Aug

August 2, 2016

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Lying Awake with John Newly. Lying Awake airs seven nights a week from midnight to 5 am. From ghosts to aliens to plots to overthrow the government, we’ve got it covered. Now here’s your host, John Newly.

JOHN NEWLY: Thank you very much and yes indeedy-do, this is Lying Awake and also yes indeedy-do, I’m John Newly. A little later on we’ll be speaking with Edgar Collins about his book “Can You Hear Me God? It’s Me, The Yeti.” We’ll also be taking calls on our special astral plane hotline. If you’re listening to us from beyond time and space, that’s the number for you to call. Gosh, I’m really looking forward to that.

But first, I’d like to tell you about some of the special things we’ve got going on here at Lying Awake. I’m very excited and I think you will be too. I know that it’s hard to get a date, especially if you tell people that you listen to this show. Well I’ve got just the thing for you.

tin hat

It’s called Paranormal-ish Date, and it’s for people like you, who want to meet people like you, but can’t seem to meet people like you. It’s a dating site like no other, tailored just for Lying Awake listeners.

Let me introduce you one of our singles. She’s a sexy single spellcaster who describes herself as a wacky Wiccan. She likes bats, beetles, and Beelzebub and she’s looking for you!

Or maybe the paranormal isn’t your thing. Maybe you’re into the dark side of politics, the machinations behind the scenes. Then you want to sign up for Conspiracy Theory Hook Up. No names, no descriptions, not even a picture. We promise to give out zero information about you or your date. Just show up someplace and wait. If you want to be anonymous and meet other anonymous conspiracy theorists in an undisclosed location, log in right now. It’s 100% safe, somehow. We think.

And finally, this one really has me excited, I’m pleased to offer to you Cthulhu Date. That’s right, Cthulhu Date. Whether you are a disciple of Nylarthotep or worship Dagon or Tsathoggua, you’ll find your date, mate, or fate right here. Word has it there’s a big singles mixer at R’lyeh at the next full moon.

Subscribe to any of these services and I’ll give you a free bonus- a copy of my new book, Confessions of a Terrible Radio Host.

Too bad my wife won’t let me date. I’m really interested in meeting some new people. This reminds me of a time I was in Denver. I met a listener at a UFO convention. She was just about 18 years old and- what? Sorry everyone, that’s Fast Eddie, my producer.

[Inaudible, off mic]

OK, maybe you’re right. I’ll save that one for off air. Don’t let me forget, she let me take pictures and everything.

We’ll be right back with your calls, after this message from a company selling shady pseudo-medical pills that I own 35% of.

—————-

(If you think this sounds ridiculous, and it does, you should know that Coast To Coast AM with George Noory really does have Paranormal and Conspiracy dating sites. I can’t make this up. I let Mr. Snoory do it for me.)

nerd love

.

 

Advertisements

Lying Awake With John Newly: The 4th Hour

22 Nov

November 22, 2014

And that’s the news at 3:05 am. Stay tuned for the fourth hour of Lying Awake with John Newly.

Promo for the WKAT listener sweepstakes- “if we pick your cat’s name from our giant listener litter box, you’ll win a KAT Cat Hat! Offer void in the continental United States.”

Strange sci-fi Theremin music swells, announcer with unusually deep voice and a slight lisp speaks.

Lying Awake with John Newly airs six nights a week from midnight to six am. Callers are welcome on the studio line, 1-800-463-WKAT, the international line by calling overseas operator 27, or tonight’s “That Chupacabra ate my pants!” hotline, 1-800-NoMoPants. And now, here’s John Newly.

Music fades out, show begins.

Ghosts, witches, and bagels, we’ve covered it all here tonight. Welcome back to Lying Awake with John Newly. That’s me by the way, John Newly, and if you’ve ever wanted to meet me in person, you can see my tour schedule on the Lying Awake website. My producer Fast Eddie makes sure to keep that up to date. Next week, I’ll be in the Main Street Reading Room in Tombstone Arizona reading an excerpt of my new book, The Devil’s Hidden Chakra. Tombstone Arizona, is that right, Fast Eddie? Tombstone? (Inaudible off mic.) I hope there are still people living there! I’d hate to be all alone in a ghost town! Meanwhile, we’ve been speaking with Doctor Lazarus P. Brookstone on all kinds of topics, he’s a self-proclaimed “Mr. Know-It-All Who Knows It All.” We’ll continue our discussion next.

Commercial for DVD- Where Will You Be When The Moon Explodes? How to protect your financial assets from the coming lunar apocalypse.

Commercial for local politician Brad Fergus, advocating higher taxes on everything.

We’re back and before the break, I was asking Doctor Lazarus P. Brookstone what he knows about UFO’s. Doctor?

– I know a lot, actually.

What can you tell us?

-What would you like to know? (Laughs.)

Are UFO’s real?

Plan9_3

-Yes.

Yes? They do exist? Flying saucers, aliens, the whole thing?

-Yes, the whole thing and even more!

Simply fascinating. Amazing! Have you seen a UFO?

-Of course! I’ve ridden in them too!

That’s been a dream of mine, and probably of all my listeners out there. I’ve always dreamed about riding in a UFO, but I don’t want to get probed! Do they really do that?

-Yes, but it isn’t really what people think it is.

(Laughing) So it’s not an anal probe, that’s a relief.

-No, no, it is an anal probe.

Hmmm, maybe I’ll rethink that trip! (Laughter.)

-If the aliens want to anal probe you, they’ll anal probe you if you’re on the UFO or not.

Wow, that’s something to think about, isn’t it? We’ll be right back.

 

.

 

%d bloggers like this: