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Tag Archives: radio

Lying Awake With An Online Date (John Newly #12)

2 Aug

August 2, 2016

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Lying Awake with John Newly. Lying Awake airs seven nights a week from midnight to 5 am. From ghosts to aliens to plots to overthrow the government, we’ve got it covered. Now here’s your host, John Newly.

JOHN NEWLY: Thank you very much and yes indeedy-do, this is Lying Awake and also yes indeedy-do, I’m John Newly. A little later on we’ll be speaking with Edgar Collins about his book “Can You Hear Me God? It’s Me, The Yeti.” We’ll also be taking calls on our special astral plane hotline. If you’re listening to us from beyond time and space, that’s the number for you to call. Gosh, I’m really looking forward to that.

But first, I’d like to tell you about some of the special things we’ve got going on here at Lying Awake. I’m very excited and I think you will be too. I know that it’s hard to get a date, especially if you tell people that you listen to this show. Well I’ve got just the thing for you.

tin hat

It’s called Paranormal-ish Date, and it’s for people like you, who want to meet people like you, but can’t seem to meet people like you. It’s a dating site like no other, tailored just for Lying Awake listeners.

Let me introduce you one of our singles. She’s a sexy single spellcaster who describes herself as a wacky Wiccan. She likes bats, beetles, and Beelzebub and she’s looking for you!

Or maybe the paranormal isn’t your thing. Maybe you’re into the dark side of politics, the machinations behind the scenes. Then you want to sign up for Conspiracy Theory Hook Up. No names, no descriptions, not even a picture. We promise to give out zero information about you or your date. Just show up someplace and wait. If you want to be anonymous and meet other anonymous conspiracy theorists in an undisclosed location, log in right now. It’s 100% safe, somehow. We think.

And finally, this one really has me excited, I’m pleased to offer to you Cthulhu Date. That’s right, Cthulhu Date. Whether you are a disciple of Nylarthotep or worship Dagon or Tsathoggua, you’ll find your date, mate, or fate right here. Word has it there’s a big singles mixer at R’lyeh at the next full moon.

Subscribe to any of these services and I’ll give you a free bonus- a copy of my new book, Confessions of a Terrible Radio Host.

Too bad my wife won’t let me date. I’m really interested in meeting some new people. This reminds me of a time I was in Denver. I met a listener at a UFO convention. She was just about 18 years old and- what? Sorry everyone, that’s Fast Eddie, my producer.

[Inaudible, off mic]

OK, maybe you’re right. I’ll save that one for off air. Don’t let me forget, she let me take pictures and everything.

We’ll be right back with your calls, after this message from a company selling shady pseudo-medical pills that I own 35% of.

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(If you think this sounds ridiculous, and it does, you should know that Coast To Coast AM with George Noory really does have Paranormal and Conspiracy dating sites. I can’t make this up. I let Mr. Snoory do it for me.)

nerd love

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Imponderable #128: I Can’t Remember

27 Feb

February 27, 2016

Today’s Imponderable comes from the world of news radio. This was heard on the venerable 1010 WINS of New York.

memory

This is a legitimate story about research that shows that losing weight is linked to an improvement in memory. That’s all well and good, but a little research of my own brought me to articles as old as 2011, leading me to wonder what 1010 WINS defines as “breaking news.” I expect them to break in with a special report on the capture of the Unibomber any time now.

But my real problem isn’t with the news, it is on the reporting. They quoted unnamed “researchers” as saying

“how can people lose weight if they don’t remember that they’ve eaten?”

At this point, I would like tell you the totally true fact that about seven years ago I looked into getting a job at 1010 WINS as a news writer and I was told that not only were there no openings, they only had one writer. I know I could have done a much better job than the guy who wrote this story.

Is weight gain due to the fact that people simply forget that they’ve eaten? Is that why I ate two Thanksgiving dinners last year, I simply forgot the first meal of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and gravy so I had a second one because I was worried that I hadn’t had dinner yet? And that must explain why I binge ate a whole bag of Oreos last week. After I ate each cookie, I simply forgot that I ate it, so by the time I got to the end of the bag I was convinced that I only ate one cookie and was totally flummoxed about how a brand new bag could be empty after only one Oreo.

Is being overweight simply due to “food amnesia”?
No.

Does 1010 WINS have a clue about reporting?
The question is Imponderable.

And yes, I am totally coining the phrase “food amnesia.”

 

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