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Tag Archives: radio

Tom Brokaw Is An Old Fart

4 Oct

October 4, 2017

Tom Brokaw, though semi-retired, is still one of America’s most respected journalists. He anchored the NBC news for 22 years from 1982 to 2004. He’s covered every major story and worked on every major newscast spanning three decades. He’s written books and produced documentaries. He is very well-respected.

He’s also a cranky old man. 

How else to explain the following “you kids stay off my lawn-style rant”? Brokaw has a short commentary series that airs on certain radio stations across the country. It is known as both An American Story and The Brokaw Report. The segments are less than a minute long and the topics are whatever is rattling around in his dusty head. In the segment below, Tom registers his disgust and offense at the apparently brand new to him trend of people wearing ripped jeans. Listen to this and try not to laugh at his righteous, moral outrage.

Click here to listen to Premium Prices for Torn Jeans Are an Insult to the Impoverished.  Go ahead, it is only 39 seconds. 

“It is poverty chic mocking the poor.”

It really seems as though poor Tom has just begun seeing this brand new fad of “mostly women” wearing ripped jeans. I can’t wait for him to discover crocs. But he really believes that wearing torn jeans is, somehow, an affront, an insult, a spit right in the face of poor people. He really is out of touch. He seriously sees it as people playing dress up as poor people. He thinks poverty cosplay is a thing.

Plus he still says “trousers.” The last person I remember casually using the word “trousers” in normal conversation was Mr. Armour, my third-grade teacher, but he gets a pass since he was in his 70’s. In the 1970’s.

Poor Tom Brokaw, worried about all the sad, offended poor folks with their broken hearts and hurt feelings at the sight of a hipster in torn jeans. 

Notice his perfectly unwrinkled trousers, even when slumming with the poor folk.

Lest you think this is just an isolated incident and I’m blowing Tom’s old man cred out of proportion, here are the titles of some of his other rants.

  • The Miracle of Flight Might Not Seem That to People Who Fly Everyday
  • There’s Nothing I Enjoy More Than Spoiling My Grandkids
  • Prediction: Department Stores Will Downsize to Kiosks
  • Email Is A Wonder, But Is Too Often Abused

I’m sure you think I made up the spoiling grandkids one but I didn’t. 

And also, congrats to Fancy Ol’ Me! This was the first time I used the word “lest” in a blog post. Probably the last too, unless I turn into my own version of Tom Brokaw.

Does this look like a man who is out of touch with the poor?

 

 

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Lying Awake With An Online Date (John Newly #12)

2 Aug

August 2, 2016

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Lying Awake with John Newly. Lying Awake airs seven nights a week from midnight to 5 am. From ghosts to aliens to plots to overthrow the government, we’ve got it covered. Now here’s your host, John Newly.

JOHN NEWLY: Thank you very much and yes indeedy-do, this is Lying Awake and also yes indeedy-do, I’m John Newly. A little later on we’ll be speaking with Edgar Collins about his book “Can You Hear Me God? It’s Me, The Yeti.” We’ll also be taking calls on our special astral plane hotline. If you’re listening to us from beyond time and space, that’s the number for you to call. Gosh, I’m really looking forward to that.

But first, I’d like to tell you about some of the special things we’ve got going on here at Lying Awake. I’m very excited and I think you will be too. I know that it’s hard to get a date, especially if you tell people that you listen to this show. Well I’ve got just the thing for you.

tin hat

It’s called Paranormal-ish Date, and it’s for people like you, who want to meet people like you, but can’t seem to meet people like you. It’s a dating site like no other, tailored just for Lying Awake listeners.

Let me introduce you one of our singles. She’s a sexy single spellcaster who describes herself as a wacky Wiccan. She likes bats, beetles, and Beelzebub and she’s looking for you!

Or maybe the paranormal isn’t your thing. Maybe you’re into the dark side of politics, the machinations behind the scenes. Then you want to sign up for Conspiracy Theory Hook Up. No names, no descriptions, not even a picture. We promise to give out zero information about you or your date. Just show up someplace and wait. If you want to be anonymous and meet other anonymous conspiracy theorists in an undisclosed location, log in right now. It’s 100% safe, somehow. We think.

And finally, this one really has me excited, I’m pleased to offer to you Cthulhu Date. That’s right, Cthulhu Date. Whether you are a disciple of Nylarthotep or worship Dagon or Tsathoggua, you’ll find your date, mate, or fate right here. Word has it there’s a big singles mixer at R’lyeh at the next full moon.

Subscribe to any of these services and I’ll give you a free bonus- a copy of my new book, Confessions of a Terrible Radio Host.

Too bad my wife won’t let me date. I’m really interested in meeting some new people. This reminds me of a time I was in Denver. I met a listener at a UFO convention. She was just about 18 years old and- what? Sorry everyone, that’s Fast Eddie, my producer.

[Inaudible, off mic]

OK, maybe you’re right. I’ll save that one for off air. Don’t let me forget, she let me take pictures and everything.

We’ll be right back with your calls, after this message from a company selling shady pseudo-medical pills that I own 35% of.

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(If you think this sounds ridiculous, and it does, you should know that Coast To Coast AM with George Noory really does have Paranormal and Conspiracy dating sites. I can’t make this up. I let Mr. Snoory do it for me.)

nerd love

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