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Little Caesars Pizza Goes Back To 1979

9 Jan

January 9, 2016

lc logo

I really don’t know what Little Caesars Pizza is thinking. First of all, here in Brooklyn, there are so many local pizza places that the only thing that keeps chain pizza places alive is their low prices, since any local pizza place blows them out of the water. But accepting that as a given, there are 3 main pizza chains around here, Domino’s, Papa John’s, and Little Caesars.

Domino’s pizza ads are horrendous. Invariably, their pies look old and dry. I have yet to see a commercial where a Domino’s pizza looked fresh. At the other end is Little Caesars. Their pizzas look ridiculously oily in every ad. Papa John’s look the best, but that is damning them with faint praise. But out of the three, by far, Little Caesars has the worst marketing idea.

There was a time when the main knock on fast food was that it was made in advance and sat around under heat lamps until someone bought it. Was your Big Mac made two minutes ago? An hour ago? Nobody knew. So the big innovation was that your food was made when you ordered. Sure, maybe the ingredients were sitting around all day in the back, and maybe it takes an extra ten minutes to get your order, but at least it wasn’t all assembled until you ordered it. It was fresh, or at least a facsimile thereof.

Now here comes Little Caesars. Their ads urge you to avoid “complicated pizza websites.” How hard is it to order a pizza online? Unless you are either a caveman or 108 years old, it isn’t hard at all. Their big innovation is to go to one of their stores (thus losing any convenience ordering online had) and pick up a “hot-n-ready” pizza that is just sitting there, presumably under heat lamps, waiting for you. Was your pizza made two minutes ago? An hour ago? Nobody knows.

We’re going back to the past, people. Its 1979 all over again!

Little Caesars is run by technological Luddites. And their mascot looks like a penis.

little caesars mascot

Little Caesars’ strangely phallic Roman mascot. Note the short and curlies on his chest.

 

 

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Star Wars Card Trading on eBay: Not Getting Your Money’s Worth

16 Aug

August 16, 2015

People are stupid. They’ve always been stupid. That’s no surprise to anyone who has ever tried to drive down Bay Parkway in Brooklyn. There, the rule of thumb for pedestrians is “there are no cars. None. Bay Parkway is an empty street. Shut your eyes and meander randomly in the middle of the road.” In other words, when driving down the stretch of Bay Parkway that runs from about 65th to 70th streets, you can expect to have to slam on your brakes and swerve out of the way of people who decide, for no logical reason, to cross, stand, stop, or eat lunch in the middle of the street. Walk and don’t walk signs are a foreign (language) concept to most of these people. Red lights? Green lights? Doesn’t matter since no one looks at them anyway. Is it a good idea to stop in the middle of crossing against traffic in the middle of the block to take a sip of your egg drop soup as you step out from between two trucks? No, but it happens anyway.

But as stupid as people are, they are getting stupider. Here’s proof.

Someone will buy these!

Someone will buy these!

There’s an app called Star Wars Card Trader. You can use credits to buy virtual packs of cards that you can trade with other people on the app. Many of the cards are rare or limited. Like real cards, the contents of the packs are random. They cost nothing to buy, though you only get a small number of credits per day. Helpfully, Topps allows you to buy more. But remember, you don’t have to spend a penny and the cards are free.

Most cards range from 5,000 to over a million printed. Some are as few as 50. But recently, Topps came out with a card limited to 10 and the users went crazy, spending all kinds of real money to buy credits to get this virtual card which does not physically exist and has no monetary value at all.

And according to the terms of the user agreement, you don’t really own any of these cards, Topps does, who can delete or revoke them anytime they want.

But people went totally gorilla-balls nuts for this ultra-rare card and you can find a few on eBay for $900 – $950.

Crazy! Who the hell is going to buy these? And I have no doubt they will be bought. What will you do with a card that can disappear as soon as the internet falls apart? Once again, I think the economy must be amazingly strong if people are buying these. Either that or people are getting stupider by the day.

But it gets worse. Topps made so much money selling credits to people who didn’t get the card that they released yet another ultra rare (and ugly) card. And you know what? Despite all the grumbling, moaning, and complaining on the message boards and forums, the users went gorilla-balls crazy and spent mucho dollars on credits again.

Pink Vader? Is he the new Hello Kitty?

Pink Vader? Is he the new Hello Kitty?

If there is a character less suited to pink I don’t want to know. But at least the seller for this one has helpfully allowed you spread your stupidity over six months. This way, instead of one regretful purchase, you can regret it all over again every month when the bill comes in.

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