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Hollywood’s Day Off: A Hollywood Russell Story

19 Feb

February 19, 2016

Hollywood's Day Off

It was 12 noon on a Tuesday in New York City. September. The sun was shining, the sky was clear, a cool breeze through the trees. In the business district, men and women were emptying out of their office buildings like flood over a dam. It was lunchtime and executives in expensive fedoras on their way to lunch at the club mingled with secretaries in uncomfortable shoes off to run errands, dodging the lines of tellers, clerks, and salesmen milling around the corner hot dog stands.

In the park, the benches quickly filled with men and women carrying their paper bags full of baloney sandwiches or slices of last night’s roast on a hard roll. At this hour, men and women were walking quickly through the park, from east to west, west to east, north to south, south to north. Lunch hour was precious and flew by all too quickly, and soon it was time to go back to the drab office and restart the day’s toil.

Hollywood Russell sat on a bench under a tree and enjoyed the little dramas that played out before him. There was a man with hangdog eyes, looking at his newspaper but not seeing it. Across from him were a pair of men loudly complaining about their bosses. Turning right, Hollywood saw a trio of young secretaries walking past a bench where an equally young executive sat. Hollywood watched them walk, as did the young executive.

Private eyes rarely had the luxury of enjoying a day like this. If there was no case, Hollywood would be in his office, and lunch would either be at his desk or down at the local watering hole. If there was a case, he’d be out but working, and lunch, if he had the time, was wherever he found himself. But today the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Hollywood was very comfortable on the bench in the park.  He folded his newspaper, dropped it in his lap, and leaned back.

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Next to Hollywood on the bench, but at a distance that left the PI room to stretch, was a businessman virtually indistinguishable from the others inhabiting the park this afternoon. Neat, moderately priced brown suit, hat pulled back on his head to enjoy the sun, peanut butter sandwich wrapped in wax paper and of course the paper bag next to him.

Hollywood tore his eyes away from the secretaries, who were now on their second lap around the young executive’s bench, and leaned over to his neighbor. “Looks like the fish is on the hook.” He nudged the man in the ribs and nodded in the right direction.

The man in the brown suit looked and smiled. “With gams like that, those dames can’t lose.” Hollywood favored him with a wolf grin that ended at his eyes and leaned back.

The minutes ticked by and little by little the park emptied out as New York’s businesses demanded their cogs and gears start spinning again. The secretarial trio, their appetites quenched for food but no more, went back to their desks, phones, and coffee. The young executive looked at his watch and decided that he had stretched his hour about as far as he could, and made ready to get up.

Hollywood stood up, and as he did, the newspaper in his lap fell to the ground. “Oh, pardon me.”

He bent to pick it up, jostling his bench mate just as the man fired the gun that had been hidden in the brown paper bag. His shot went high, lodging in a tree just a few feet above the young executive’s head.

The detective straightened up and turned to the would-be killer. “Tell Deez he’ll have to do better than that.” He plucked the gun out of the man’s hand, tucked the newspaper under his arm, and walked out of the park, escorting the startled young executive back to his office.

It was such a nice day that Hollywood almost considered not cashing the check.

 

 

 

 

Mr. Blog Remembers Abe Vigoda

27 Jan

January 27, 2016

Today, the world mourns the loss of Abe Vigoda. It is our great honor, in this time of sadness, to induct him into Mr. Blog’s Hall of Fame. We will forever remember this icon.Vigoda plaque
Mr. Blog had actually met Mr. Vigoda, and in his honor, the Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride present this Classic Repost from 2010. This was the penultimate round of Mr. BTR’s contest to determine the best role model of the 1970’s. In round one, Esther Rolle (Florida Evans from Good Times) beat Mabel King (Momma from What’s Happening?). In the second round, Jack Alberston (The Man from Chico and The Man) knocked out Robert Hegyes (Juan Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter). Round three came down to The Battle of The Lawmen. Please enjoy!

From January 8, 2010

Who is the best 1970’s television role model?

Round two was a hard-fought battle of the unlikely, with “The Man” coming out of retirement to win a Charo-fueled win over Sweat Hog Juan Epstein. What did it prove? Sadly, that “The Man” can still keep a Latino down. (Just ask anyone whose bank turned them down for a loan.)

Round Three
“Battle of the Lawmen”

BARNABY JONES VS. BARNEY MILLER’S FISH          

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Barnaby Jones was a Quinn Martin production. Quinn Martin was a prolific TV producer who had the idea to cast an old man in a detective show. Unfortunately, the actor was a bit too old, as evidenced by the picture above, where Barnaby is not quite sure which is the phone and which is the gun. In the picture below, a gun-wielding thug has almost talked Barnaby into buying into his time-share.

The casting of the lead role was controversial from the start. Quinn Martin wanted an established television star for the role. After a long and deliberate casting process, he settled on this man, currently starring in the autobiographical Beverly Hillbillies:

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It was never explained just how Barnaby made the jump from hillbilly to cop, but in a strange twist, both of this round’s contestants served together in an elite peace-keeping force:

 

Detective Phil Fish was born well over one hundred years ago, yet no matter how old he was, he never looked his age. He looked at least twice his age.

Early on it was noted that Detective Phillip “Abe Vigoda” Fish bore an eerie similarity to another television personality, Richard Simmons.

 

However, as he lost his hair, he became a dead ringer for Boris Karloff.

    

As you can tell from these rare photos, the resemblance was uncanny.

Fish went on to star in a series of films with Bela Lugosi, whose main claims to fame were that he played Dracula, became a drug addict, and he played Dracula.

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This particular still is taken from 1935’s Universal release, The Cramped Fingers of Evil, starring Detective Fish as Professor Barnabas Lennsing and Bela Lugosi as Dr.Vampire J. Hammitup.

The battle was very close, but the win has to go to Fish. Why? Check out this very rare comic book from 1979. Barnaby Jones never had a view-master reel, let alone his own comic book.

WINNER: FISH

Coming Soon:

FINAL THREE-WAY
WINNER-TAKE-ALL
BRAWL-FOR-IT -ALL:

Esther Rolle Vs. “The Man” Vs. The Fish