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Willy Wonka Must Be Stopped!

1 Apr

April 1, 2016

The greatest threat to humanity is not ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or Cobra. It is Willy Wonka. He is a danger to all humanity and must be stopped. Like The Island of Doctor Moreau, The evil genius is conducting evil experiments meant to be breed new threats to humanity in order to take over the world.

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Don’t believe me? Wonka does not even try to hide his evil ambitions. Want proof? It is right here on this box of everlasting gobstoppers, a box like any other innocent, innocuous box on store shelves across America.

gmo gobstopper

“Produced with genetic engineering.” It’s a freakin’ gobstopper! What genetics does it have? The main ingredients are sugar and artificial colors. Where are the genes? What DNA has been manipulated? It says “may contain eggs.” What is Willy Wonka doing to those eggs?

Wonka is very upfront about his plans for domination. Look at that box, a happy cartoon gobstopper with a mouth! Is that a clue? Are these things alive? WHAT GENETIC ENGINEERING GOES INTO A GOBSTOPPER?

For the record, after I read that disclaimer, I threw the box away. It was still half full.

 

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Make Donald Trump Great Again

27 Feb

February 27, 2016

You may not have heard, but Donald Trump is running for President. He hasn’t revealed his pick for VP yet, but I suspect it’ll be him too. Somehow he’ll figure out a way to be his own Vice President, because if one Donald Trump is good, two is great.

The idea of a Trump presidency has a lot of people excited. Take that any way you like.

But one group that loves LOVES the idea of President Trump is late night shoppers. I was watching the knife show on TV the other night (or morning, take your pick, it was about 4 am.) This is a show in which a guy who just walked into the studio sells knives that he knows little about.

“This knife has a wood handle. Looks like teak. Maybe that’s maple. But it’s solid, I’ll tell you that.”

This was their 90 second special. It was the second time I saw this for sale in the past week (yes, I have insomnia) and both times it sold out faster than Hillary Clinton to a special interest.

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Yes, that is the Donald Trump knife. And no, it is not an official campaign product. So on the one hand, I’m sure that the capitalist in Trump would love it, but on the other hand, the egomaniac in Trump would hate it since he’s not getting a cent from it.

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My favorite part of the whole thing is the picture they choose. Look at the scowl on Trump’s face. If he becomes President, I hope that’s what his official portrait looks like. That’s a very Presidential scowl, much like FDR had when confronting Mussolini. Maybe.

Not only does this knife say “I support Donald Trump,” it also says “I’ll cut you if you don’t.” Nothing will make America great again like pulling this knife on an illegal immigrant.

 

 

 

 

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