Archive | 12:01 am

Allan Keyes has FAIL SPINOFF THEMES running through his head

11 Mar

March 11, 2013


Been on a bit of an old TV bender since Mr. B found that old People’s Court episode. So without further ado, let’s get into some fail I’ve rediscovered in the past week!


THE ROPERS (From Three’s Company)

Lets’s put the all-time worst right off the bat. WOMP WOMP WOMP, WOMP WOMP WOMP, WOMP WOMP WOMP, WOMP.  UGH!  Nobody even tried. It’s like they all mailed it in. The great Normal Fell dancing with a plunger. A dark day. Anyway, enjoy 6 hours of this crap if you want:


FLO (From Alice)

I forgot this abomination even existed. Take the wisecracking waitress from Alice, and have her move from a dumpy diner to an even dumpier truck stop down south! How did this not run 15 seasons? I mean, “Kiss My Grits” alone should’ve been good for 5 years more. Rule of thumb: Any sitcom without Vic Tayback is massively inferior to any sitcom with Vic Tayback. (Mr. BTR Says: More on Vic Taybak later!)


W*A*L*T*E*R  (From Mash)

Everyone remembers AfterMash (another one that should’ve been a hit. Look at the idea: Let’s just remake MASH, without the most popular characters! It’s gold Jerry, gold!) Anyway, that show was light years ahead of this awfulness. This was so bad that they stopped production halfway through the pilot.  Once Gary Burghoff inevitably failed at this, all that was left was for him was Match Game appearances subbing for Bowser. 

BONUS DEBATE QUESTION:  Trapper John, M.D. –  MASH spinoff, or just bullshit?


Joanie Loves Chachi (From Happy Days)

I apologize.


JAKE AND THE FATMAN (From Matlock if you can believe it)

What’s with this action opening? NOBODY IS MORE SEDENTARY THAN WILLIAM CONRAD. Look at the scenes he has in the intro – it features the action cigar and the action head-turn. WOWWWWWWWWW!  This intro is pure 80’s – the beach, the girls, the fast car, the saxophone solo. Feh.


JUST THE TEN OF US (From Growing Pains)

First of all, listen to this incredibly overwrought themesong (and remember when TV shows had time for an actual long opening credits run?) The song is all about a guy who keeps failing but he gets back up and tries, despite the fact that he keeps on “bringing home second places”

WHAT A LOAD – Let’s take a look at this. The guy is obese, cueball bald and makes the wages of a high school PE teacher.  By all rights he should be living alone in a basement apartment eating Dinty Moore beef stew every night. Instead he has a spacious house, a not-bad looking wife who obviously allows him to er….you know, whenever he feels like, and magic sperm, because he can seemingly produce good looking women, one after the other. One of those girls will snag a rich guy who will take care of Fatty McButterpants in his old age. Second place? He hit the jackpot! PS- Nice Sweatpants.

Mr. BTR Says: Vic Taybak RULES:


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