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The Asshat Mixologist

25 Mar

March 25, 2013

news roundup week!


Ever read an article in the newspaper that so infuriated you with overblown asshattery that you wanted to just run out and crack some heads? Well I had that happen the other day. And it’s funny, because while it normally happens to me when I’m reading sports or the weather, this time it was an article that actually deserved it!                    headline

Berry and her friend came up against the fastest-rising beast in hospitality: the snooty mixologist. Right up there with the overbearing maitre d’, the pushy waiter and the bossy chef, these bar brats act like they know what’s best for their customers.

Ask for vodka, they’ll give you gin. Request a mainstream, top-shelf liquor, and they’ll look down on you and push an artisanal alternative of which you’ve never heard. Want anything frozen or sugary, and they’ll refuse to make it, saying they don’t want to “mask the spirit’s taste.”

 First of all – and no apologies to anyone who takes offense – but mixologist? GIMME A FREAKING BREAK. You’re a bartender. And there’s nothing wrong with it.  Get over yourselves. And if I asked for vodka and I got gin, there’d be a fun problem for the tender that’s for sure.

“The bartender chastised me for ordering a mainstream gin, and then he sold me something that I had never even heard of,” recalls Weil, adding, “The whole thing was a degrading experience and makes me never want to go back there again.”

How can he have “sold you” something you didn’t want? What ever happened to telling someone “no”? If she went to buy a Toyota, would she let the salesman talk her into a Bentley? But more to the point, the bartender chastised her for ordering mainstream gin? This is the point in the transaction where the barkeep would be learning to cope with a bottle of absinthe shoved up his hindquarters.  NOTE TO SNOTTY BARTENDERS: IT’S THE HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY YOU ASSHATS. IF YOUR CUSTOMER DOESN’T FEEL HAPPY U R DOING IT WRONG.

Now if you think mainstream gin is swill and you have this dandy product you think is superior, there’s certainly ways to do it. “Ma’am, I’m happy to serve you this, but if you’d like to try something that really tastes great, may I recommend …..”  I’d have no problem with that. I’d probably even thank them for it. But chastizing someone?  Ever watch that lousy movie, The Butterfly Effect? Where big fat Ethan Supplee breaks a pool cue to beat people down? YUP.

Phil Ward, formerly the head bartender at Death + Company, a pioneering craft cocktail den, and now the man behind Mayahuel, a tequila-focused bar in the East Village, is adamant about what — and whom — he won’t serve.

“I don’t carry vodka or light beer because they teach morons to like things that have no taste,” says Ward, his voice growing louder as he goes on. “I don’t carry Coca-Cola either. It ruins palettes. People should know where they are going and what they are doing. When somebody walks into a bar and says that he wants a Long Island iced tea, what he’s basically saying is, ‘Put as much s - - t into a glass as possible, so I can get f - - ked-up.’ They are saying that they don’t care about taste.” bartender--300x300

Phil Ward: I’m putting out a fatwah on you. Hopefully they change the name of your job to Death + Phil Ward. You snotty, overbearing queeb! IT’S EFFING BOOZE.  IF SOMEONE WANTS A SLOE GIN FIZZ YOU SHUT UP AND SERVE IT. IF SOMEONE WANTS BUD LIGHT YOU SHUT UP AND  SERVE IT. IF SOMEONE WANTS ANYTHING, YOU SHUT UP AND SERVE IT. THEN YOU THANK THEM FOR THEIR BUSINESS.  You can be as snotty as you want – one day you’ll be replaced by a machine anyway. Like those computerized dispensers that allow you to mix 100 different types of Coke? I await that day. Oh, and anyone who goes drinking that worries about your palattes? DIE.

Phil Ward makes the case that mixologists have a right to be annoyed when people order uncouth cocktails.

And I have the right to order a bottle of Cristal and crack it across your mouth if you come at me smartwise when all I want is a fun evening out.  I DON’T EVEN DRINK AND I’M FURIOUS AT THIS IDIOCY.

It’s a bit of a recession out there. Do these d-bags really not want business? My fondest wish is that bar rags like Phil Ward snottify themselves out of business and he has to make ends meet working the rough trade as rent boy.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go yell at some birds and clouds.

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