Tag Archives: W*A*L*T*E*R

March Madness Continues!

8 Mar

March 8, 2014

keyes

 

The tourney is in full swing! March Madness is running wilder than Hulkamania ever did! And we’ve got 3 more brackets of this tripe to get through! LUCKY YOU! So without further ado (ha ha….”doo”) let’s get to the action in the “Hey Meathead, Get Outta My Chair” Bracket!

    Bracket 2                   

All in the Family (“Edith’s 50th Birthday”)

vs. Diff’rent Strokes (“Sam’s Missing”)

 

All in the Family was always a very topical, very thoughtful show. So you gotta believe it took a lot to rise to the level of “very special episode” – and boy did it!  In the midst of birthday prep, a creep enters the Bunker house (no, it wasn’t Meathead) and decides Edith is just so irresistible that he’ gotta HIT DAT THANG. No, seriously. This episode has some of the most strained, awkward laughs in sitcom history (aside from the “Except for AIDS, I’m ok” debacle from Mr. Belvedere) because the audience just didn’t know how to react. On one hand, a beloved screen character was in jeopardy of being raped. On the other hand….it’s kind of ludicrous that this guy gets to packing a rod at the sight of Jean Stapelton. Oh well. Diff’rent strokes for different folks I guess (see what I did there!) Edith undergoes 15 minutes of pre-rape menacing until she manages to escape by throwing a burning cake in the guys face and running away faster than George Jefferson chasing J.C. Whittendale. There’s a whole lot of Edith being traumatized in the rest of the episode and her slapping Gloria (who was also attacked once….man, those Bunker women were THE HAWTNESS. What did Arch need with Boom-Boom Turner anyway?) [Mr. BTR says: Dude! Gloria is his daughter!]

On the other side…..oofah. Lil Sam Drummond (Danny Cooksey, who came very close to making me jump through the screen if he said “Myth-Ster D!” one more time) meets a strange gentleman in the supermarket. This fine upstanding fella wants Danny to come home with him because he reminds him of his recently deceased son, who was obviously another red-headed annoying waif. Bringing Sammy around would be ever the tonic for his wife and son, were still pretty bummed about the whole thing. Sam, being the soft hearted dope that he is, agreed to stop on by for a spell to cheer the family up. Well, the spot of tea turned into a hellish two weeks where Sam was held prisoner in the psycho house. Bullied by an older “brother”, enduring a xanaxed-out mother, and the father who promised to kill Myth-Ster D and his loud mouth harridan of a mother (the god-awful Dixie Carter) if he tried to escape. Why didn’t he threaten Pearl the maid while he was at it?  After two weeks, Myth-Ster D finally wakes up from his afternoon nap and notices the little brat isn’t around, and proceeds look for him, going so far as to go live TV to threaten to unleash the Gooch like his personal Luca Brazzi if Sam was harmed.  This last part may or may not be true depending on how much beer I drank watching this one. Soon enough, ‘lil Sam is rescued from the Bicycle Man crazy house.

Quite the matchup here. On one hand, we get Edith in a highly compromising situation – grawwwl! On the other hand, I got to see Danny Cooksey terrorized to the point of pants wetting for 30 minutes, only to have it spoiled by a “happy” ending. DAMN IT!

WINNER……………………………….. ALL IN THE FAMILY!

 

The Undercard:  The Brady Bunch (“Mail Order Hero”)

vs. Punky Brewster (“Cherie Lifesaver”)

Fun fact! At the time this episode of the Brady Bunch was shot, the Jets were still regarded as a legitimate NFL franchise, as opposed to the sad joke it would soon become (and stay) This episode didn’t help it any (neither did Rex Ryan, but that’s another rant)

Anyway, Bobby wants to meet Joe Willie REALLLY bad, but he’s just some dopey kid. So he does what we’ve all done at one point or another to get the attention of that sports or movie star- feign dying. Who can blame him? Those little SOBs with Make-a-Wish get to do all the cool stuff don’t they? Anyway, Bobby’s lie is exposed when he stubbornly doesn’t die, leading Joe Namath to feel like a bigger dope than when he wore that real FEY fur coat on the sidelines. This episode’s main claim to fame is the censored scene where Mr. Brady gets angry about the ruse and cold-cocks Bobby.  (Uh-oh. Given Robert Reeds’ …..um….”proclivities” maybe saying he “cold cocked” a kid isn’t the most tactful wording)

On the Punky Brewster side, her dumb friend plays in a discarded fridge and almost dies. *YAWN* When she was revived and asked how she was doing, her first words were “I almost died. But other than that, pretty good!”

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Yeah, I’m gonna ride this horse till he’s pretty well dead

 

This matchup is too close to call, mainly because of the high level of sucktitude of both shows. So let’s settle this by seeing how the shows have aged:

 mm1

 Holy crap, no contest!

WINNER…………………………………….THE BRADY BUNCH!  I’m sorry but look at that coat.  A species went extinct for Joe to wear that. I understand that coat was rejected as being too hot for Planet Hoth. On the other side, what’s Punky now, some hot girl? *YAWN* Joe Willie IS A GOD.

BRACKET CHAMPIONSHIP:   All in the Family vs The Brady Bunch

What makes All in the Family episode fun for me (well, as fun as a rape-themed episode can be anyway) is that the guy playing the rapist is kind of a minor celebrity because of it. E! True Hollywood Story featured an interview with the actor/rapist, who revealed that people would yell at him and swat him with purses as he walked on the street after that episode aired. Wow, humans are dumb.

As for the Brady Bunch…..well, there’s not much to say was there? The only way they could’ve won was if the pity vote to give the Jets any kind of victory in any kind of arena at all would’ve been a little stronger. It wasn’t. 

BRACKET CHAMP:  ALL IN THE FAMILY!!!!!! And trust me – I showed restraint here. Do you have any idea just how many “Stretch Cunningham” jokes I was sitting on???  YES I’M GOING TO HELL.

mm2 

NEXT: “Juuuust a Bit Outside Bracket”

March Madness! Round 1

6 Mar

March 6, 2014

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It is the opening round of the tournament of “Very Special Episodes.”  Dick Vitale was contractually obligated to provide commentary until he came off his meds and realized what he had done. I believe that his lawyer’s response was the first legal document to contain the phrase “….and the horse you came in on.”

So I’ll just recap the action. As Ric Flair would say: “Space Mountain may be the oldest ride in the park, but it has the longest line!”  …..not sure what that has to do with things, but lets get into it! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bracket 1

MATCH 1:       Diff’Rent Strokes (“The Bicycle Man)  

Vs.  The Cosby Show (“Theo’s Gift”)  

THE ACTION: Quite possibly the most well known and loved of the “Very Special Episodes” sees Arnold and Dudley making friends with the local bicycle salesman, who takes one look at these two kids and literally starts to breathe heavily, and totally ignores jailbait daughter Kimberly – Mr. Drummond should’ve twigged to things right there but he’s pretty dense for a rich white fella. Chester Molester is played by Gordon Jump in what was actually a very daring role, and the one he’s most remembered for. He plies the kids with gifts, candy, naughty cartoons, and eventually wine (spiked I assume, with roofies). The hot molestation action culminates when Evil Mr. Carlson gets the boys shirtless to play “Neptune King of the Sea” while he takes photographs and rubs one out (tastefully off camera of course). 

Meanwhile, on the Cosby Show, Theo fails a couple of tests and suddenly he has dyslexia. Whoop-de-damn-do.  So he has to do some extra work instead of hanging with his friend Dung Beetle or Cockroach or
whatever his name was getting “Bacon Burger Dogs.”  I’m not minimizing dyslexia but unless this episode featured Cliff Huxtable’s pal Danny Kaye treating Theo’s dyslexia by rubbing lotion on his chest….well, there never was a chance at winning.

THE WINNAH:  DIFF’RENT STROKES

MATCH 2:  Mr. Belvedere ( “Wesley’s Friend”)

(From imdb.com) Wesley is supposed to play William Howard Taft in the school’s Presidents’ Day pageant, an opening to play Abraham Lincoln comes up. The boy who was supposed to play Lincoln, Wesley’s friend Danny, has been pulled out of school because he got AIDS from a blood transfusion. Not knowing anything about the virus, Wesley believes what his friends tell him about it and makes him afraid of Danny.

Vs. Leave it to Beaver (“Beaver and Andy”)

THE ACTION: Mr. Belvedere sees Wesley’s little friend diagnosed with AIDS (I guess that’s one kid the bicycle man won’t be playing Neptune King of the Sea with!) and hilarious ignorance abounds as he’s pulled out of school and everyone fears they can catch AIDS simply by looking at him. What’s so wrong with that? Better safe than sorry!  Wait…..what?……ok, Mr. B informs me that I’m an incredibly ignorant twit.  Ok then.   Aside from the fact that the kid the writers gave the AIDS to looks more suited for a down syndrome patient (yeah I’m going to hell) the main notoriety for this episode lies in what may be the most epic of sitcom fails ever: When asked how he’s doing, his response “Well, I got AIDS. But other than that pretty good”  is legendarily bad. The screencap below aptly sums up the audience reaction to that wet fart of a line:

bleah

Seriously. The laughs were less awkward on MASH when Radar announced Henry’s plane spun into the Sea of Japan. For the longest time I thought this line was in an episode of “Growing Pains” until I realized that it lacked even the low-level subtlety of that show – then I knew it had to be Mr. Belvedere.

On the other side, proof that “Very Special” isn’t just a modern invention. I want you to wrap your minds around something: This episode of “Leave it to Beaver” sports a fricking CONTENT WARNING on YouTube.  Archtype daddy and all-around stiff Ward hires his pal Andy (a “reformed” alcoholic) to paint the Cleaver house. And while they take pains to keep him away from the kids, he makes friends with Beaver. After learning that his new pal Andy likes the sauce, Beaver – slow witted, trusting soul that he is, gives the guy a bottle of his dad’s stash as a present. That’s’ right: BEAVER CAUSED AN ALKIE TO FALL OFF THE WAGON.  I mean I could’ve seen Eddie Haskell doing this, but sweet loveable Beaver!?!?  That’s pretty badcore shit right there. Worthy of winning many a matchup. Still…..”I got AIDS. Other than that, pretty good” is so mind-numbingly awful, Mr. Belvedere wins on strength of that line alone.

THE WINNAH:  MR. BELVEDERE! (The losers: anyone who sat through that episode)

 BRACKET CHAMPIONSHIP:  Diff’rent Strokes vs Mr. Belvedere

One underrated benefit of the Diff’rent Strokes episode is that we get to see Dudley’s father. The man had what must’ve been the biggest set of choppers ever seen in prime time TV:

 bleah2

See what I mean? We also get treated to a shirtless Dudley (*grawwlll!*)

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Meanwhile, what does Mr. Belvedere give us?  We don’t even get a shirtless Rob Stone (and that’s a gay porn name if I ever heard one)

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On the other hand, it did give us an awesome and enduring meme…..tough call.  TOUGH call.

 

BRACKET WINNER:  ARNOLD AND DUDLEY GET MOLESTED!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

bleahwin

Next time: The Meathead Bracket!

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