Tag Archives: Vince McMahon

Allan Keyes Hates Lucas

23 Jan

January 23, 2014


So no column lately, as I’ve recently relocated to a new hovel and have been experiencing the joys of married life. Apparently the stereotypes are true, and I can confirm: rolling pins HURT. So do frying pans. And since my wife has freakish bicep strength, I can report that having a bridge chair winged at your head to revenge repeated 3:00AM nacho cheese and salt & vinegar Utz gassers hurts also. Just sayin’ is all. TOTALLY IN LOVE!

Anyway, why do I break my marital-bliss imposed silence? To vent about the stupidest ads I’ve ever seen on the subway.  My friends, I give you Lucas, the world’s biggest loser!






Other inanities that Lucas indulges in include paying his rent and (sadly, not able to find a pic and too lazy to take one for proof…) LOVES MAGIC.

(Mr. BTR breaking in here. If I am ever on the subway and I see this guy, I am going to punch him in the mouth. Back to you, Allan.)

So let’s just see what we have here: we have a guy who pays his rent, who likes to dance, who likes to do Yoga, who loves magic (swearsies!) So who is this lame named Lucas? Well it’s obvious to me….he’s HERB, THE LAST MAN ON EARTH WHO HASN’T TRIED A WHOPPER trying to act cool.



I shouldn’t rag on Herb really – he had some serious WWF cred:  (Per Wikipedia): The World Wrestling Federation had Herb appear as a guest timekeeper during the boxing match between Roddy Piper and Mr. T at WrestleMania 2 at the Nassau Coliseum on April 7, 1986. Clara Peller, the star of the “Where’s the beef?” commercials from Wendy’s, also appeared at the event, working as guest timekeeper during a battle royal.



Don’t tell me you can’t see it.  A fake wig, lose the glasses, grow one of those pathetic “I don’t have enough testosterone to get proper facial coverage beards and you have Lucas!

Anyway, I’ve been informed that theory is wrong, and that Herb  Lucas is hawking something called Venmo, which I don’t know what it is, I don’t know what it does, but I do hope that every single person involved with it goes bankrupt and ends up on the breadlines. Do we have breadlines anymore? I’m informed by my wife that we don’t. Ok, I hope we re-open breadlines specifically so the Venmo team has to wait on them. And they should be made to wait a good long time. In frigid weather.

(Mr. BTR again. Judging from all we know about Lucas, I suspect Venmo is some sort of erectile dysfunction medicine, or maybe something really cool, like a fancy top hat or chapeau.)


I’m not the only one on the interwebz to see and detest these ads:


It seems that Venmo – instead of drawing interest, is – in wrestling parlance – drawing “X-Pac heat” http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=X-pac%20heat

There’s even a nifty related meme:


 So in closing, Venmo: eff you.  Lucas:  get bent.   X-Pac: Torn Anus.  Vince McMahon: HERO.  Herb:  HILARIOUS! BEST AD CAMPAIGN EVAH.


The Saturday Comics: Wrestling Comics

1 Sep

September 1, 2012

Wrestling is filled with larger than life figures who run around in colorful costumes so a wrestling comic is a natural. Isn’t it?

Yes, but also no.

Heck, I think it is more no than yes.

I’ve been to many WWE shows going way back to the days where they still called themselves WWF. And this is true, I was at Summerslam when Macho Man married Elizabeth at Madison Square Garden. I’ve been to house shows, I been to Raw and Smackdown tapings, and I’ve attended pay-per-view events. Trust me- the fun of wrestling is in being there. Watching it on TV is fun too and no, I have never taken it seriously, believed anything was real (although yes, they get very hurt) and I never, ever, was stupid enough to jump off a roof through a table because I saw it on TV.

But the fun of wrestling is totally lost when you try to translate it to the comic page.


The Big Boss Man and The Mountie. Mainstays of 80’s/90’s WWF. The Boss Man is best remembered (by me) for cooking Al Snow’s little dog and serving it to him disguised as dinner. He also towed the Giant’s father’s casket behind his police car at the funeral while the Giant rode it like a whale rider at Sea World.

Stupid as all that sounds, at least you could watch it happen on TV. But to take that action and translate it to a comic page? And set in the woods? Nah. But hey- that comic included a free 12-page catalog! Back then they sold Hulk Hogan teddy bears!

That is an actual photo of legitimate badass wrestler Big Van Vader. And yes, he wore that thing to the ring. When he took it off he was wearing some sort of face gear that made it look like he was wearing a jock strap on his face. So how successful was that comic? The cover promotes that as “the last SENSE-SHATTERING issue!” And please note the look of terror on Rick Rude’s face as Sting prepares to slam him to the mat in the upper left corner.


Here’s our buddy The Big Boss Man getting tossed out of The Undertaker’s mansion. What, you don’t believe The Undertaker would live in a mansion? Why not? Even an undead satanic zombie with mystical powers who worshipped an urn with undisclosed ashes inside and seemed to have an unhealthy obsession with lying in coffins had to live somewhere.


Here’s the Undertaker again and this time they’ve gone in the completely opposite direction. And way too far. Um, this is a wrestling comic, right?


The zombie apocalypse upon you? Who better to have at your side but Triple H, John Cena, and The Undertaker? Hey Vince McMahon- The Walking Dead totally ripped you off!

I can spend a whole week just on the bizarre loon who legally changed his name to the Warrior. Want to have fun? Google him and look for the issue of his comic where Santa got raped.

Yeah, you read that right.

But my purpose here is to marvel in disgust in that awful Rob Liefeld-style art. This begs the question- can someone ripping off Rob Liefeld’s style be worse than Rob Liefeld’s actual art?

The Question is Imponderable.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

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