Allan Keyes Hates Lucas

23 Jan

January 23, 2014


So no column lately, as I’ve recently relocated to a new hovel and have been experiencing the joys of married life. Apparently the stereotypes are true, and I can confirm: rolling pins HURT. So do frying pans. And since my wife has freakish bicep strength, I can report that having a bridge chair winged at your head to revenge repeated 3:00AM nacho cheese and salt & vinegar Utz gassers hurts also. Just sayin’ is all. TOTALLY IN LOVE!

Anyway, why do I break my marital-bliss imposed silence? To vent about the stupidest ads I’ve ever seen on the subway.  My friends, I give you Lucas, the world’s biggest loser!






Other inanities that Lucas indulges in include paying his rent and (sadly, not able to find a pic and too lazy to take one for proof…) LOVES MAGIC.

(Mr. BTR breaking in here. If I am ever on the subway and I see this guy, I am going to punch him in the mouth. Back to you, Allan.)

So let’s just see what we have here: we have a guy who pays his rent, who likes to dance, who likes to do Yoga, who loves magic (swearsies!) So who is this lame named Lucas? Well it’s obvious to me….he’s HERB, THE LAST MAN ON EARTH WHO HASN’T TRIED A WHOPPER trying to act cool.’s_Herb%3F


I shouldn’t rag on Herb really – he had some serious WWF cred:  (Per Wikipedia): The World Wrestling Federation had Herb appear as a guest timekeeper during the boxing match between Roddy Piper and Mr. T at WrestleMania 2 at the Nassau Coliseum on April 7, 1986. Clara Peller, the star of the “Where’s the beef?” commercials from Wendy’s, also appeared at the event, working as guest timekeeper during a battle royal.



Don’t tell me you can’t see it.  A fake wig, lose the glasses, grow one of those pathetic “I don’t have enough testosterone to get proper facial coverage beards and you have Lucas!

Anyway, I’ve been informed that theory is wrong, and that Herb  Lucas is hawking something called Venmo, which I don’t know what it is, I don’t know what it does, but I do hope that every single person involved with it goes bankrupt and ends up on the breadlines. Do we have breadlines anymore? I’m informed by my wife that we don’t. Ok, I hope we re-open breadlines specifically so the Venmo team has to wait on them. And they should be made to wait a good long time. In frigid weather.

(Mr. BTR again. Judging from all we know about Lucas, I suspect Venmo is some sort of erectile dysfunction medicine, or maybe something really cool, like a fancy top hat or chapeau.)


I’m not the only one on the interwebz to see and detest these ads:

It seems that Venmo – instead of drawing interest, is – in wrestling parlance – drawing “X-Pac heat”

There’s even a nifty related meme:


 So in closing, Venmo: eff you.  Lucas:  get bent.   X-Pac: Torn Anus.  Vince McMahon: HERO.  Herb:  HILARIOUS! BEST AD CAMPAIGN EVAH.


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