Tag Archives: monster

In Search of… Sasquatch

27 Feb


February 27, 2015

From the celebrity wing of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride, I present this Classic Repost in honor of Bruce Vilanch. Some may wonder why I chose February 27th to honor Mr. Vilanch. To them I respond, there is no bad time to honor Bruce Vilanch.

October 19, 2010

This is the fourth in a series of in-depth and hard-hitting exposés of some of the legendary creatures of cryptozoology. Previous reports focused on the chupacabra, the Loch Ness Monster, and the Monkey Man of New Delhi. You can also find the Mummy of King Tut, Atlantis, the Roswell UFO Crash, Satanic Cults, Demonic Possession, and Zombies, the Winchester Mystery House, and the Devil’s Footprints.

Sasquatch. Yeti. Abominable Snowman. Skunk Ape. Bruce Vilanch.. Legends of unknown and unexplained tall and hairy ape-like hominids have been reported around the world. Even a short list is a lot to type:

Could this be the Canadian Nuk-luk?

Almas – Mongolia
Amomongo – Philippines
Ban-manush – Bangladesh
Barmanou – Afghanistan and Pakistan
Batutut – Vietnam
Bigfoot – North America
Chuchunya – Siberia
Fear liath – Scotland
Fouke Monster – America
Grassman – America
Hibagon – Japan
Mande Barung – India
Mapinguari – South America
Momo the Monster – America
Nuk-luk – Canada
Orang Mawas – Malaysia
Orang Pendek – Indonesia
Skunk ape – America
Yeren – China
Yowie – Australia

Frankly, that’s too much territory. We’ll focus on Sasquatch. Why? Because I live in North America and that makes us neighbors. It would be very embarrassing if the Sasquatch decided to drop by unexpectedly, even more so if he didn’t exist.


Native American lore is full of stories about creatures resembling descriptions of Sasquatch across the country. These giant ape-like people were supposedly here before the arrival of the Indians. They lived as one with nature. The Indians traded with them and respected their areas. Some even regarded the Sasquatch as gods. However, by the time the Europeans arrived, there was no trace of the Sasquatch. No explanation has yet been found for the Sasquatch’s disappearance, but it is worth noting that the in the native Hekawi language, “sasquatch” means “burgers.”

Sasquatch, or Bigfoot, can be found almost anywhere in the United States and Canada. They usually stay in remote wooded areas, though when around humans they try to blend into their surroundings. This Bigfoot was found at a monster truck rally.

However, not all Sasquatch are as patriotic and most do not display the flag.

Proponents of Sasquatch point to what they call the overwhelming proof: footprints, photos, films, audio recordings, and eyewitness accounts. Skeptics point to the facts that no one has captured a living Sasquatch, found a dead Sasquatch or the remains of a Sasquatch, and all the photos seem to be pretty bad fakes. Pro-Sasquatch supporters retort that we’ve yet to see the change President Obama promised but many still believe in that too.

The Patterson Film.

This is the most famous evidence of the Sasquatch. According to Roger Patterson, he was walking through the woods near his home in California when he saw what he believed to be a female Sasquatch walking through the growth. Grabbing his movie camera, he shot some of the most well known images of Bigfoot. The short film, less than two minutes in duration, has been analyzed more times than the Erin Andrews peephole video. Although most agree that the film was untouched, scientists were split. Some said the film was undoctored and showed a Sasquatch. Others said it was undoctored but showed a man in an ape suit. In 2006 a consensus was reached that film was real and untouched, but did not show either a Bigfoot or a man in an ape suit. It was Michael Moore.

Of course, the bigger mystery is, why was Roger Patterson stalking Michael Moore? Conspiracy theories abound, the most likely of which is that Patterson just became sick of Moore’s wacko nonsense.

What else do we know about the Sasquatch?

The Bigfoot is often misidentified. Commonly mistaken for it are bears, Chewbacca, and professional wrestlers.

Perhaps a potentially plausible primitive primate possibility?


This was a giant primate that lived in China thousands of years ago. Somehow, it spread throughout the world and has become the basis of the Yeti, Sasquatch, Vilanch, etc legends. How did it do this without being seen? Beats me.

A final word.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Bunk! Bunk, I say! Bring me a bag full of Bigfoot’s droppings or shut up!
Ranger Park: I have the droppings of someone who saw Bigfoot.

That sums up the Sasquatch debate as neatly as anything else I’ve heard.

Fairy Tale Theater: Frankenstein

18 Dec

December 18, 2013

Are Frankenstein and Dracula fairy tales? No, they are not. But I’m rounding out Fairy Tale week with them. Frankenstein today, Dracula tomorrow.

fairy tale theater header

from November 1, 2012

My Memories of Frankenstein

Baron Frankenstein was a lonely boy. Part of the problem was due to his name. Many people think his first name was something normal, like Victor or Fritz, or Flo Rida, but they are wrong. Baron Frankenstein’s first name was actually Baron. (Therefore, when he grew up and inherited his title, he became Baron Baron Frankenstein. Think of it this way: it is as if Queen Elizabeth named her son Prince instead of Meathead.)  Think this is too farfetched? Think again. None other than 21st Century carnival barker Donald Trump named his son Baron. Tru dat. Look it up.

Li’l Baron (Barry for short) Frankenstein had no friends. You’d think being rich and having every toy in the Barony would be enough to ensure friends, but no, it was not. Baron Frankenstein’s father, Baron Frankenstein (and this time that’s his title, not his name- see how confusing this can be?) ordered every child in the land to attend his son’s birthday parties – and they did- but he could not force them to like his son.

You see, Li’l Baron Frankenstein was a total snot, a typical whiny rich brat who would never share his toys and, to be honest, smelled a lot like the pig sty. So one the one hand he was rich, but on the other hand he was selfish. On the one hand he had every toy in the world, on the other hand he had the hygiene of Balls Mahoney.

Unable to buy a friend, and with no other recourse, the snotty Baron pledged to build his very own best friend.

His very first attempt was a cross between a chicken and his nanny and it was an utter failure.

Upon hitting puberty, the young Baron was ready to make his second attempt- a cross between his new nanny and the busty chambermaid. This went nowhere but the Baron did entice them to pose for some interesting photographs.

Eventually, the friendless Baron grew and after his father died he became a friendless Baron. (See how silly that double-meaning name is? Grr.) He had no family, no wife, his dog ran away, etc etc etc. He soon realized that the only way for him to have a friend was to start off fresh with a clean slate. He spruced himself up, cleaned off that stench that clung to him, and opened wide his castle gates for the most lavish party anyone had ever seen, earning his the good graces of his countrymen forever.

Of course he didn’t, that would be stupid. He did the logical thing- he robbed some graves and stitched together several corpses to make a single male body more lithe and muscular than you’d expect from a totally heterosexual man.

Though I did point out that he was very lonely.

Well, after that it was the same old story. Man builds man out of dead men, living dead man rebuffs man’s advances, man sulks, living dead man moves out and into his own condo.

The moral of the story is that not only can you not buy love, you cannot build a living dead man out of the corpses of many dead men and expect it to like you.

So what happened to Baron Frankenstein?
The question is Imponderable.

HA HA, couldn’t help myself (a little inside joke there, click on the Imponderable link above, plug plug.)

Seriously, Baron Frankenstein one day did find love, albeit with a frog named Jessup who claimed to be an enchanted prince.

The undead creation of the Baron lives to this day, though he now goes by the name of Ben Bernanke.

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