Tag Archives: letters

Before I Hit Delete And Empty The Trash, Let’s Read Some Spam!

26 Jun

June 26, 2015

Here are some of my favorite recent spam comments. I usually don’t bother looking because, quite frankly, I have all the penis pills I’ll ever need. UH, I MEAN “I DON’T NEED ANY PENIS PILLS!” Yeah, that’s what I meant. All man here.

Anyway, there were a few messages that stood out. I present them here for the first and only time, before I hit delete and send these to the cyber-hell to which they belong. They are complete and unedited. Any typos in the comments are from the original spams, not my usual mistypes.

And yeah, forget about that penis pills typo. Sorry about that. I swear I only tried them once I don’t need them.


This one was in response to Allan Keyes’ review of Batman: A Death in the Family:

 What’s up everyone, it’s my first visit at this web site, and post is actually fruitful in favor of me, keep up posting these types of content.

Thanks! There’s plenty of these types of content to come. And speaking of Allan Keyes, he’s fruitful in favor of you too.


Here’s one that was sent to a post I wrote about my Dad ranting about the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade:

Mc – Guire is not a fan of the new lasers and prefers to stick with the tried and true CO2 version. s procedures, it is easy to afford to change your life around for the better. t one single procedure that men are seeking to have done either, Dr.

Yes! This man gets it! That is exactly what I was going for. My Dad wasn’t a fan of those new lasers either, he wasn’t about to let Macy’s get away with it, whatever it might have been. And though I may consistently and recklessly post medical advice all the time, I am not a doctor. You probably shouldn’t listen to me about those lasers.


One of my posts about Brighton Beach inspired this reaction:

Her $250 cash advance had cost her $187 and she or he still owed $225 principal to the second cash advance company as well as $250 plus interest to the first company Holley Dimeglio but in the years ahead until close the fund, we’re likely to try not to have ourselves in the position where every 3 months, unless we inform you things close, now we will tell we’re closed.

Ugh! I hate Common Core math! So let’s see, if she had a cash advance of $250 and it cost $187, that leaves $83. Take out taxes and fees, she’s got about $37 left. She still owes, uh, and there’s interest, every 3 months… The heck with it. Let Holley Dimeglio figure it out herself. She needs a part-time job or something.


This was in answer to my review of a Doctor Who episode:

Ӎy favorite ɑre the skull аnd cross bones tank fօr my dog. When talking about clothing, ɦere arе some phrases ƴoս сan use:. Thesе clothes dryers ѡill not send your indoor air outdoors.

It’s a good thing I read this before my vacation. That phrase really did come in handy in San Juan.
PEDDLER: Would you like to buy this handmade drum?
ME: These clothes dryers will not send your indoor air outdoors.
PEDDLER: You know we speak English in Puerto Rico, right?


This came in to my blog about Jimmy Olsen comic book covers:

I today wear heels 5 times per week and I’ve never ever thought more at home.

So never mind the thinking cap, it’s the thinking shoe we should be trying out. I could stand to do some more thinking at home.


Well, that’s it for tonight. I’ve been feeling a little slow, so I’m going to try those thinking heels, maybe they can help me solve that Common Core math problem a few comments back.

Anyone know where I can get size 13 men’s pumps?

What’s In Allan Keyes’ Mailbag?

17 Jun

June 17, 2013


Let’s Check Out My Male Bag Mailbag!



Good thing I noticed my error up there….this would’ve been a MUCH different article otherwise. And on a much different web site (Mr. Blogs Tepid Scrotum?)

Anyway, I get letters. Mostly hate mail, magazine subscriptions, offers for water picks, subpoenas and the like. But every now and then, I get genuine questions from you, my loyal readers. So I decided to answer some of them. I said to myself “Self, let’s throw the poor S.O.B.s  a break and let them bask in the unfiltered glory of pure, unadulterated Keyes” And then I said to myself “Self, you sure are an obnoxious little punk aren’t you? And what’s with this “self” crap anyway? Get over yourself.” Then I basically had a Gollum-style argument with myself for the next 40 minutes before I actually wrote this. So enjoy!


Dear Mr Keyes:  Your name is obviously a pseudonym, and a badly chosen one at that. Very few to none actually get this pun. So what’s the deal with that?  — Dr. Q

Dr. Q:  I use a this nom de plume because “honor is like the hawk, sometimes it must go hooded.”  Ok, I really use it because I want to keep THE MAN off balance. You never know when a good digital identity will be needed – it worked for the kids in Enders Game, which by the way, looks to be a great movie coming out soon enough. It’s always better to whip up the rabble under a fake name, makes it hard for the cops to find you.  And oh yeah, I’d be fired if the HR department at my job ever got wind of some of my ramblings  </sheepishness>  I work with a LOT of hipsters.


Hi Alan! I understand that you’re a 7th level Reiki healer.  Any tips on how I get started in this field? – Norm S.

Dear Norm:  What the !*#^@ are you babbling about? Do I look like some sort of queeb here? Unless Reiki means “man who puts fistprint upside other man’s neck” I have no advice to pass along to you except telling you to go pound sand.


Jeeze Alan, when you gonna learn to use photoshop like a big boy instead of always submitting those fail pictures using Paint? – Mr. Blog

Mr. B:  Sure, no problem. I get right on it! See:



Alan, you awesome beast you! How long does it take you to write these gems of wisdom you grace us with every Monday? And why aren’t you in charge of this blog instead of Mr. Whasshisface? That little jerk isn’t fit to play Stavros to your Kojak.  Sincerely yours in admiration, Alan K. Oops, sorry make that A. Keyes.

Dear A.K.: Thanks so much for asking! Each of my columns are labors of love uniquely handcrafted for for you exacting readers.  My writing process mirrors that of Hemmingway and Tolstoy: quite a few days in the contemplative stage, a few more days in rough draft, a few more days in refinement, and viola!


Hey you – why are you always so angry when you write these things?  – M.C.  Rib

Dear Ribbie: I don’t get it? I’m not angry at all. I have no idea where you got this from? In fact quite a lot of you mentioned this sort of thing and it makes no sense to me. Sorry. Now go drown in a puddle of AIDS, you stinking pussbags! (Editors Note —- ah, ok, I do kinda get it now!)

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