Tag Archives: hate mail

What’s In Allan Keyes’ Mailbag?

17 Jun

June 17, 2013


Let’s Check Out My Male Bag Mailbag!



Good thing I noticed my error up there….this would’ve been a MUCH different article otherwise. And on a much different web site (Mr. Blogs Tepid Scrotum?)

Anyway, I get letters. Mostly hate mail, magazine subscriptions, offers for water picks, subpoenas and the like. But every now and then, I get genuine questions from you, my loyal readers. So I decided to answer some of them. I said to myself “Self, let’s throw the poor S.O.B.s  a break and let them bask in the unfiltered glory of pure, unadulterated Keyes” And then I said to myself “Self, you sure are an obnoxious little punk aren’t you? And what’s with this “self” crap anyway? Get over yourself.” Then I basically had a Gollum-style argument with myself for the next 40 minutes before I actually wrote this. So enjoy!


Dear Mr Keyes:  Your name is obviously a pseudonym, and a badly chosen one at that. Very few to none actually get this pun. So what’s the deal with that?  — Dr. Q

Dr. Q:  I use a this nom de plume because “honor is like the hawk, sometimes it must go hooded.”  Ok, I really use it because I want to keep THE MAN off balance. You never know when a good digital identity will be needed – it worked for the kids in Enders Game, which by the way, looks to be a great movie coming out soon enough. It’s always better to whip up the rabble under a fake name, makes it hard for the cops to find you.  And oh yeah, I’d be fired if the HR department at my job ever got wind of some of my ramblings  </sheepishness>  I work with a LOT of hipsters.


Hi Alan! I understand that you’re a 7th level Reiki healer.  Any tips on how I get started in this field? – Norm S.

Dear Norm:  What the !*#^@ are you babbling about? Do I look like some sort of queeb here? Unless Reiki means “man who puts fistprint upside other man’s neck” I have no advice to pass along to you except telling you to go pound sand.


Jeeze Alan, when you gonna learn to use photoshop like a big boy instead of always submitting those fail pictures using Paint? – Mr. Blog

Mr. B:  Sure, no problem. I get right on it! See:



Alan, you awesome beast you! How long does it take you to write these gems of wisdom you grace us with every Monday? And why aren’t you in charge of this blog instead of Mr. Whasshisface? That little jerk isn’t fit to play Stavros to your Kojak.  Sincerely yours in admiration, Alan K. Oops, sorry make that A. Keyes.

Dear A.K.: Thanks so much for asking! Each of my columns are labors of love uniquely handcrafted for for you exacting readers.  My writing process mirrors that of Hemmingway and Tolstoy: quite a few days in the contemplative stage, a few more days in rough draft, a few more days in refinement, and viola!


Hey you – why are you always so angry when you write these things?  – M.C.  Rib

Dear Ribbie: I don’t get it? I’m not angry at all. I have no idea where you got this from? In fact quite a lot of you mentioned this sort of thing and it makes no sense to me. Sorry. Now go drown in a puddle of AIDS, you stinking pussbags! (Editors Note —- ah, ok, I do kinda get it now!)

Scrappers Mail: Letters from people who love Scrappers and hate me.

23 Sep

September 23, 2010

I get mail all the time from people who disagree with me about Scrappers, and if you look in the comments section you can see that they are usually well thought out and in the end I even tend to agree with most of what they have to say. So for the record: 

  • Yes, I do think the show is entertaining.
  • I do agree that all the scrappers are hardworking, even Darren, in his own slug-like way.
  • Noots, Sal, and the rest, are not bad people. (Though I confess, I get a laugh out of calling him “Noots.” What is his real last name? Nootsbaum?)
  • I take the show a bit differently than others because it is shot in my neighborhood.

Where we disagree is that I think that the producers at Spike TV do their best to make them look like wannabe mafia members, with stereotypical music and descriptions. I think the producers at Spike TV generally only show jobs where the scrappers look silly or make no money. How many times have we seen Dino and Mimmo lose money after a whole day of work? I think the producers at Spike TV intentionally create situations that have no basis in reality. Remember the episode where Dino and Mimmo picked up the old lady and took her to the hospital? That van is in no way safe for an old woman and, if during the course of filming a television show for Spike TV, she got injured, Dino, Mimmo, and the producers at Spike TV would be on the hook for a big lawsuit. In reality that would never be allowed. And at what point on screen did you see the woman sign a release for her image to be used on television? I think the producers at Spike TV do their best to make these guys look stupid (two episodes (!) ended with someone complaining about how much his genitals hurt) and in the process make the whole area look bad.

Or do you think that the video of Darren singing was made to get him a shot on American Idol? That was on the official Spike TV website! Of course they are making fun of him!

So I wasn’t too surprised when I received this unusually cogent and insightful email from a Mr. John G., whose last name I will only identify by an initial:

First of all I don’t think these guys look like jerks at all in fact to me they look like guys with their own reality show and a great one at that, so let me guess you will watch everyone of the episodes and hate on all of them and that is because you are just another hater.

Thanks John. Let me take this run-on sentence point by point.

I don’t think these guys look like jerks at all in fact to me they look like guys with their own reality show

If they don’t look like jerks to you, that’s fine. The ratings are good so obviously there are many people who agree with you. As for your cogent rebuttal that “they look like guys with their own reality show,” well, I take off my hat to you sir. I have no reply. You really got me there.

let me guess you will watch everyone of the episodes and hate on all of them

As you frequently read my blog, you know that I commented, either in general or specifically, on about 90% of the episodes. Did I “hate on” all of them? I think that I pointed out what I thought were the worst parts of each episode. You never saw me take a cheap shot at the scrapper’s girlfriends or call anyone a “hater,” for example, or point out that if a paragraph begins with “first of all” there should also be a “secondly.”

because you are just another hater.

No, it is because Scrappers blogs bring traffic to my website.

While I was still recovering my dignity from Mr. G. forcing me to concede that “ they look like guys with their own reality show,” Mr. G. wrote in again with another attack worthy of H. L. Mencken:

where is your show you clown your blog sucks

Again, Mr, G., you’ve bested me. You force me to concede that, sadly, I have no show.

At any rate, Scrappers is done for the season, and it ended on a high note. Darren got married (in a church I pass almost everyday), Noots got his scrap yard in Coney Island, Sal is still working hard.

So Mr. G., relax, put down your remote and attend some English classes, because this will be my last Scrappers blog.

Until next season.


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