What’s In Allan Keyes’ Mailbag?

17 Jun

June 17, 2013


Let’s Check Out My Male Bag Mailbag!



Good thing I noticed my error up there….this would’ve been a MUCH different article otherwise. And on a much different web site (Mr. Blogs Tepid Scrotum?)

Anyway, I get letters. Mostly hate mail, magazine subscriptions, offers for water picks, subpoenas and the like. But every now and then, I get genuine questions from you, my loyal readers. So I decided to answer some of them. I said to myself “Self, let’s throw the poor S.O.B.s  a break and let them bask in the unfiltered glory of pure, unadulterated Keyes” And then I said to myself “Self, you sure are an obnoxious little punk aren’t you? And what’s with this “self” crap anyway? Get over yourself.” Then I basically had a Gollum-style argument with myself for the next 40 minutes before I actually wrote this. So enjoy!


Dear Mr Keyes:  Your name is obviously a pseudonym, and a badly chosen one at that. Very few to none actually get this pun. So what’s the deal with that?  — Dr. Q

Dr. Q:  I use a this nom de plume because “honor is like the hawk, sometimes it must go hooded.”  Ok, I really use it because I want to keep THE MAN off balance. You never know when a good digital identity will be needed – it worked for the kids in Enders Game, which by the way, looks to be a great movie coming out soon enough. It’s always better to whip up the rabble under a fake name, makes it hard for the cops to find you.  And oh yeah, I’d be fired if the HR department at my job ever got wind of some of my ramblings  </sheepishness>  I work with a LOT of hipsters.


Hi Alan! I understand that you’re a 7th level Reiki healer.  Any tips on how I get started in this field? – Norm S.

Dear Norm:  What the !*#^@ are you babbling about? Do I look like some sort of queeb here? Unless Reiki means “man who puts fistprint upside other man’s neck” I have no advice to pass along to you except telling you to go pound sand.


Jeeze Alan, when you gonna learn to use photoshop like a big boy instead of always submitting those fail pictures using Paint? – Mr. Blog

Mr. B:  Sure, no problem. I get right on it! See:



Alan, you awesome beast you! How long does it take you to write these gems of wisdom you grace us with every Monday? And why aren’t you in charge of this blog instead of Mr. Whasshisface? That little jerk isn’t fit to play Stavros to your Kojak.  Sincerely yours in admiration, Alan K. Oops, sorry make that A. Keyes.

Dear A.K.: Thanks so much for asking! Each of my columns are labors of love uniquely handcrafted for for you exacting readers.  My writing process mirrors that of Hemmingway and Tolstoy: quite a few days in the contemplative stage, a few more days in rough draft, a few more days in refinement, and viola!


Hey you – why are you always so angry when you write these things?  – M.C.  Rib

Dear Ribbie: I don’t get it? I’m not angry at all. I have no idea where you got this from? In fact quite a lot of you mentioned this sort of thing and it makes no sense to me. Sorry. Now go drown in a puddle of AIDS, you stinking pussbags! (Editors Note —- ah, ok, I do kinda get it now!)

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