Tag Archives: hillbilly

The Hillbilly Saves the Economy (Hillbilly Repost)

30 Aug

August 30, 2013

The Imponderable is on a short vacation. In it’s place, one of my favorite blogs which has not been rerun. And it is nearly exactly two years old.


August 18, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, The Hillbilly.

With all the talk about the economy and all the trouble on Wall Street I thought I’d give you some advice on how to increase your personal wealth. If everybody would follow some simple rules then we’d have this economy running like a tractor in no time.

1- No need to buy that expensive store-bought pig slop. Good hearty pig slop can be made out of left over parts, gullets, necks, feet, and gizzards and can go straight from your dinner plate to the trough.

2- Why buy a new set of clothes when you start a new job or third grade? A good pair of overalls can last you for years with a little patching in the seat, and it is easy to “accessorize,” like they say in the movie magazines. Change your rope belt for a length of wire and you’ve got a new wardrobe.

3- Who needs high-priced fur coats? Musk rat makes a fine weather keeper-outer, and if you shoot it yourself you can get a meal out of it too. Don’t forget to keep the scent glands, that’s good musk.

4- Making your own mattress isn’t just easy, it can be fun too. Get Granny to form a sewing circle, and the young ones can stuff it with hay from the barn. Just make sure you make it big enough to sleep all your cousins.

5- Schooling? Anyone still in school over age 12 is just putting on airs, I say. The sooner they get to working the sooner the children can pitch in and buy barbed wire.

6- I don’t know what the debt ceiling is or why it so long to raise it, but you and your friends can raise a barn or patch your own ceiling in a day and you only need a couple of jugs of moonshine and some hog ears for lunch.

7- Taxes only get paid if they can find you to pay them.

8- Old cans and jugs never get thrown away. Cans are good for target practice and shooting at them instead of your neighbors keeps you out of trouble. Jugs are good to keep homemade molasses in. And moonshine. A good can should last forever, and who buys canned goods anyway? Waste of money. Like some big green ogre can grow better peas than I have growing behind the outhouse.

9- Never pay a repair man to fix your radio. If you can’t get Ozark Pete on it that set isn’t worth fixing anyway.

10- Going in to town is always a waste of money, especially on a Saturday night. Town-girls are nothing but trouble and always looking for money. If you have to get a woman, look no further than your cousins. You know who they’ve been with and the money you spend on them stays in the family.

You all come back now!

What’s In Allan Keyes’ Mailbag?

17 Jun

June 17, 2013


Let’s Check Out My Male Bag Mailbag!



Good thing I noticed my error up there….this would’ve been a MUCH different article otherwise. And on a much different web site (Mr. Blogs Tepid Scrotum?)

Anyway, I get letters. Mostly hate mail, magazine subscriptions, offers for water picks, subpoenas and the like. But every now and then, I get genuine questions from you, my loyal readers. So I decided to answer some of them. I said to myself “Self, let’s throw the poor S.O.B.s  a break and let them bask in the unfiltered glory of pure, unadulterated Keyes” And then I said to myself “Self, you sure are an obnoxious little punk aren’t you? And what’s with this “self” crap anyway? Get over yourself.” Then I basically had a Gollum-style argument with myself for the next 40 minutes before I actually wrote this. So enjoy!


Dear Mr Keyes:  Your name is obviously a pseudonym, and a badly chosen one at that. Very few to none actually get this pun. So what’s the deal with that?  — Dr. Q

Dr. Q:  I use a this nom de plume because “honor is like the hawk, sometimes it must go hooded.”  Ok, I really use it because I want to keep THE MAN off balance. You never know when a good digital identity will be needed – it worked for the kids in Enders Game, which by the way, looks to be a great movie coming out soon enough. It’s always better to whip up the rabble under a fake name, makes it hard for the cops to find you.  And oh yeah, I’d be fired if the HR department at my job ever got wind of some of my ramblings  </sheepishness>  I work with a LOT of hipsters.


Hi Alan! I understand that you’re a 7th level Reiki healer.  Any tips on how I get started in this field? – Norm S.

Dear Norm:  What the !*#^@ are you babbling about? Do I look like some sort of queeb here? Unless Reiki means “man who puts fistprint upside other man’s neck” I have no advice to pass along to you except telling you to go pound sand.


Jeeze Alan, when you gonna learn to use photoshop like a big boy instead of always submitting those fail pictures using Paint? – Mr. Blog

Mr. B:  Sure, no problem. I get right on it! See:



Alan, you awesome beast you! How long does it take you to write these gems of wisdom you grace us with every Monday? And why aren’t you in charge of this blog instead of Mr. Whasshisface? That little jerk isn’t fit to play Stavros to your Kojak.  Sincerely yours in admiration, Alan K. Oops, sorry make that A. Keyes.

Dear A.K.: Thanks so much for asking! Each of my columns are labors of love uniquely handcrafted for for you exacting readers.  My writing process mirrors that of Hemmingway and Tolstoy: quite a few days in the contemplative stage, a few more days in rough draft, a few more days in refinement, and viola!


Hey you – why are you always so angry when you write these things?  – M.C.  Rib

Dear Ribbie: I don’t get it? I’m not angry at all. I have no idea where you got this from? In fact quite a lot of you mentioned this sort of thing and it makes no sense to me. Sorry. Now go drown in a puddle of AIDS, you stinking pussbags! (Editors Note —- ah, ok, I do kinda get it now!)

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