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Amos Has Retired

16 Aug

August 16, 2022

Yes, it is true. Top Investigator Amos has retired. As he put it, “I think maybe I can put away my rolodex.”

Amos does not take bad news well. He takes everything personally. We have been telling him for months that we had no work to give him, and he only had a few old cases he was still working on. The truth is, we had no work that we were able to give him. We were asked by most clients not to use him on their cases.

“A Crackerjack like me should be in demand.”

He tended to yell at and berate the people he was supposed to be helping. This is the text of an actual letter (not an email or text, a letter) that he sent to someone whose cooperation he needed sometime last year.

Dear (name redacted) !

I have called you twice and you have not given me the simple courtesy of a reply! I will travel to your house on Wednesday to one more time meet you so you can sign your affidavit. Please do research and go on The Google first to see where a notary is so we don’t waste any more time!

Amos was in the office about a month ago. He comes in once a week without fail to “report.” This is not a job requirement. No one else does that. His reports usually start with a recap of whatever movie he saw over the weekend and news of his “ladyfriend,” and the less said about that the better.

On this particular day he had arrived early and decided to sit in my office and wait for me there, as opposed to the absolutely anywhere else that would have been more appropriate. Being a “Top Investigator” and a “Crackerjack” apparently means that closed doors do not apply to him. On my desk was a list I keep of all my investigators and their assignments. While everyone else had from 6 to 8 assignments, Amos had only 1. Amos had rested a brochure for herbal supplements on it.

Amos told me that he was leaving us due to lack of work, lamented that someone with his skills wasn’t better utilized, and then, went to speak with the owner of the company, who has known Amos for at least 25 years.

Their goodbye lasted a minute and a half.

So long Amos, and good luck on the next chapter of your storied career.


American Chopper- Pimpin’ for The Man

4 Sep

September 4, 2021

Mr. Blog is not a paid attorney spokesman, but Paul Teutul Sr. Is.

I used to do recaps of American Chopper every week, eventually live-blogging it as it aired. It’s a part of this blog that I’d rather forget. I am sure that watching that show killed more brain cells than if I had a motorcycle accident. But if I did have a motorcycle accident, I’m sure Paul Teutul Sr.- non-lawyer paid spokesperson – could recommend one.

Or three.

Or five.

How many lawyers does Paul Sr. shill for?

All the lawyers!

Behold the withering glower of Paul Teutul Sr.!

Those are not all the firms I found. I could have gone on and on. They shuffled lawyers in and out of the studio to stand next to the fading physique of Paul Sr., stopping just long enough for Sr. to stand and glower and (probably) call his son “numb nuts” a few times while the cameras filmed a few seconds to make it look like Sr. had some clue of the names of the people next to him.

This says less about Paul Sr. than it does for the lawyers, all of whose firms are not independent at all but part of a legal referral network that sends your case to a local law firm depending on your location.

Paul Sr. has likely not spent more than ten minutes with any of those people. That’s OK, after watching season after season of American Chopper, I can guess that Sr. had a massage appointment to get to.

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