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Star Wars Episode VIII Wish List (Spoilers? Maybe.)

3 May

April 3, 2016

TOP TEN THINGS I WANT TO SEE IN STAR WARS EPISODE VIII

1- Revenge of the wampa. Remember the wampa ice monster that captured Luke on Hoth? Luke escaped by cutting its arm off with his lightsaber. I want to see the monster, now with a cybernetic arm, come looking for payback. This would explain why no one has seen Luke for years- he’s been hiding from the wampa.

wampa02

2- Chewbacca’s pants. Chewie is a giant furry beast. Imagine how bad he must smell when he gets wet. I want part of the next film to be set on a water world, forcing Chewbacca to wear thick rubber pants and wading boots to stay dry.

3- Kung Fu. Star Wars debuted in the 1970’s, an era known for disco, polyester, and Kung Fu fighting. Disco Star Wars was a hit, but there were no Kung Fu fighting Jedi. Time to fix that mistake. Also, they must be badly dubbed.

star-wars-a-new-hope-japan

4- Finn wearing a monocle. I just want to see Finn wearing a monocle.

5- Time travel. Star Wars has never included time travel. I say it’s about time. (Pun intended.) Now that Han is dead, a grief-stricken Leia travels back in time to bring back a younger Han. Unfortunately she misses the mark by a few years and now Kid Solo is part of the Resistance. Sure he’s only 12 years old, but he’ll grow.

6- A whole bunch of Darth Vaders. Everyone loves Darth Vader. So how about a clone horde of Darth Vaders, each claiming to be the real Vader, all battling themselves? Imagine what a great lightsaber battle 570 Darth Vaders could have!

7- C-3PO’s purple foot. Anthony Daniels was not a fan of Threepio’s red arm, so much so that they had to compromise and return his golden arm by film’s end. I liked the look. It was the most character development the fussy ‘bot had in seven films. I say make it a running gag. In every film, replace some part of him with a different color appendage.

8- Batman.
batman-vs-star-wars

9- More Ewoks. Yes, I said more Ewoks. Kylo Ren’s bedroom should be filled with cuddly Ewok teddy bears, all with their stuffing hanging out from one of his angry temper tantrums. Poor kid. He had a rough life.

10- An apology. I still want someone to apologize for Episode I. (Midi-chlorians? Bah!)

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I Was A Passenger On The Burp Bus

18 Apr

April 18, 2016
This post is all credit to and copyright Saarah, and you’ll soon see why.

Long-time readers of this blog, of which I’ve heard that a few survive, may recall my attempts at coining a new phrase. I was sure that, with some time and effort, I could make the world fall in love with the term blog-slinging, as in I’ve had a busy day, blog-slinging this latest post about Donald Trump’s hair for you to enjoy. Well, it didn’t happen. If anything, the world has violently rejected that phrase, and I have the hate mail to prove it. (Watch out, Edna Furlitzer of Fort Wayne, Indiana. I’ve turned those letters over the police.)

But I am not one to give up so easily. Well, actually, I do give up easily, laughably easily. But this time I’ve got nothing better to do, so I’m going to try again, this time with an all-new, all-ha-ha-hilarious turn of phrase.

But you’ll have to sit through a short story first. See why so few of my long-time readers survive?

Recently, I took a trip to my ancestral home, Salem, Massachusetts. To be honest, Salem is not my ancestral home. Not a single ancestor lived there. Sure, a man named Ebenezer Tepid Ride was hung there as a witch in the 17th century, but that’s just a coincidence. Salem is my ancestral home in spirit.

I love witches and black cats, Halloween and ghosts. Most of all I love a good, juvenile belch, and that’s what this story is about.

I had spent a couple of days in Salem with Saarah, and it was great. The Witch Museum, the House of the Seven Gables, the vegan bakery that was closed every time we went there, it was all awesome. A total blast. And a blast was exactly what Saarah was letting out on the ride home. It is certainly not my intent to embarrass her, no, not at all, but I have to be honest. She was burping more than Curly after Moe and Larry forced him to eat soap.

curly burp 1

So there we were, in the car, she in the passenger seat, slightly dozing and occasionally loudly burping, me in the driver’s seat, slightly dozing too driving home and occasionally rolling down my window depending on how pungent her burps were.

NOTE TO SAARAH: Please don’t kill me.
NOTE TO READERS: It’s all a joke. Saarah has only ever burped once in her life, in 2010, and even that time it was a medical necessity.
NOTE TO SAARAH: Happy now?

Well, Saarah was a little embarrassed and said the she was burping more than a truck driver. She said it again the next time she burped too. And the time after that, etc etc etc. Yes, she burped a lot on that trip.

As the drive went on (it’s about a four hour trip from Salem) she got tired, and though the burps didn’t stop, her expressions got better and better. “Burping more than a truck driver” soon became “burping more than a bus driver,” which eventually became “burping more than the driver of the bus.”

Now we’re getting somewhere.

“Burping more than the driver of the bus” became, as Saarah got more and more tired (but no less full of gas) “burping more than the driver of the burp.” That would have been funny enough had it ended there, but it took a slight regression to “burping more than the driver of the burp bus,” and finally settled on “driving the burp bus.”

So I may have been driving the car, but over in the passenger seat, Saarah was driving the burp bus.

And that is the new phrase I am coining and forcing on you today: Driving the burp bus (copyright Saarah).

If only one person uses it, it will already be more successful then blog-slinging.

 

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