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It’s A Snuff Film!

20 May

May 20, 2016

This idea originated with my friend Marc and I way, way back. That’s why Chris Farley, who died almost 20 years ago, is in it. 

Interviewer Chop Hallipop: A typical Hollywood lightweight with a toothy grin.
Director Pierre D. Brody: First-time director, slightly pompous
Chris Farley: Rotund, stoned actor
David Hasslehoff (wearing Baywatch shorts and Knight Rider jacket): Pretty much himself

UNSEEN Dame Judi Dench
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VOICE OVER: Welcome to Movie News Now! Tonight, Lola O’Neil looks behind the scenes of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and gets some makeup tips from Leonardo. Flem Mercer is in the studio with part two of his interview with screen legend Jake Lloyd. But first, here’s Chop Hallipop sitting down with the stars and director of Killing Judi Dench, the controversial new film by Director Pierre D. Brody. Take it away Chop!

CHOP HALLIPOP: Thanks voice over! Ha ha! You’re great! (Looks into camera) Hi everyone, I’m Chop Hallipop. (Smiles) All of Hollywood is talking about the upcoming film Killing Judi Dench. We’ve got the inside scoop with the cast and director, right here in our Movie News Now! studio. Pierre D. Brody, you’re the director, producer, and writer. Is it true that this is a snuff film?

PIERRE D. BRODY: That’s right Chop. It’s a return to the good old days of filmmaking.

CHOP: For those of us who aren’t familiar, can you tell us what exactly a snuff film is?

PIERRE: Sure, Chop. A snuff film is actually a reality film, not unlike Big Brother or The Bachelor. In it, an actor gets murdered right on screen. We actually filmed the real murder of one of our cast!

CHOP: Wow, they never did that on The Bachelor!

PIERRE: I assure you, no one else would have the guts.

CHOP: (Looking at the camera, flashing his big toothy grin) One of the big mysteries surrounding this film is who actually gets killed. Pierre D. Brody, can you give us a scoop?

PIERRE: Sorry Chop, ha ha, I can’t give that away. You’ll just have to buy a ticket.

CHOP: Killing Judi Dench has a stellar, some would say killer, heh heh, cast, including Chris Farley, David Hasslehoff, and of course Dame Judi Dench. We have two of the stars right here with me on set. Chris, David, welcome to Movie News Now!

hoff

DAVID HASSLEHOFF: Thanks Chet.

CHRIS FARLEY: It’s a snuff film!

CHOP: I understand Judi Dench couldn’t be here tonight.

PIERRE: That’s right Chop. She has a prior commitment back in England and unfortunately won’t be joining us on this press tour. But she asked me to say how proud she was to be part of this production.

CHOP: David, let’s start with you. What attracted you to this film?

DAVID: Well Chet-

CHOP: Chop

DAVID: Chet, I was looking to do something I hadn’t done before. I wanted to stretch as an actor. And an onscreen real murder was too good to pass up.

CHOP: But weren’t you worried that you might end up getting killed? After all, Pierre wouldn’t reveal the victim to you until filming began.

CHRIS: It’s a snuff film!!!!!!

DAVID: Murder is something you always worry about as an actor.

PIERRE: I think that the fear of death is a powerful motivator, and it really came through onscreen. I have to give special credit to Judi. Her fear, her terror was palpable, right up till the end.

CHOP: I have to ask you again, who gets killed? Who is the victim of this snuff film?

PIERRE: I can only say that the audience won’t be disappointed.

CHOP: (Looking at the camera) Chris Farley, David Hasslehoff, and Dame Judi Dench star in Killing Judi Dench. I’d like to thank Director Pierre D. Brody, Chris Farley and David Hasslehoff for being here with me tonight. Find out who gets killed when Killing Judi Dench opens on June 18th.

 

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Star Wars Episode VIII Wish List (Spoilers? Maybe.)

3 May

April 3, 2016

TOP TEN THINGS I WANT TO SEE IN STAR WARS EPISODE VIII

1- Revenge of the wampa. Remember the wampa ice monster that captured Luke on Hoth? Luke escaped by cutting its arm off with his lightsaber. I want to see the monster, now with a cybernetic arm, come looking for payback. This would explain why no one has seen Luke for years- he’s been hiding from the wampa.

wampa02

2- Chewbacca’s pants. Chewie is a giant furry beast. Imagine how bad he must smell when he gets wet. I want part of the next film to be set on a water world, forcing Chewbacca to wear thick rubber pants and wading boots to stay dry.

3- Kung Fu. Star Wars debuted in the 1970’s, an era known for disco, polyester, and Kung Fu fighting. Disco Star Wars was a hit, but there were no Kung Fu fighting Jedi. Time to fix that mistake. Also, they must be badly dubbed.

star-wars-a-new-hope-japan

4- Finn wearing a monocle. I just want to see Finn wearing a monocle.

5- Time travel. Star Wars has never included time travel. I say it’s about time. (Pun intended.) Now that Han is dead, a grief-stricken Leia travels back in time to bring back a younger Han. Unfortunately she misses the mark by a few years and now Kid Solo is part of the Resistance. Sure he’s only 12 years old, but he’ll grow.

6- A whole bunch of Darth Vaders. Everyone loves Darth Vader. So how about a clone horde of Darth Vaders, each claiming to be the real Vader, all battling themselves? Imagine what a great lightsaber battle 570 Darth Vaders could have!

7- C-3PO’s purple foot. Anthony Daniels was not a fan of Threepio’s red arm, so much so that they had to compromise and return his golden arm by film’s end. I liked the look. It was the most character development the fussy ‘bot had in seven films. I say make it a running gag. In every film, replace some part of him with a different color appendage.

8- Batman.
batman-vs-star-wars

9- More Ewoks. Yes, I said more Ewoks. Kylo Ren’s bedroom should be filled with cuddly Ewok teddy bears, all with their stuffing hanging out from one of his angry temper tantrums. Poor kid. He had a rough life.

10- An apology. I still want someone to apologize for Episode I. (Midi-chlorians? Bah!)

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