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My Memories of Frankenstein

1 Nov

November 1, 2012

My Memories of Frankenstein

Baron Frankenstein was a lonely boy. Part of the problem was due to his name. Many people think his first name was something normal, like Victor or Fritz, or Flo Rida, but they are wrong. Baron Frankenstein’s first name was actually Baron. (Therefore, when he grew up and inherited his title, he became Baron Baron Frankenstein. Think of it this way: it is as if Queen Elizabeth named her son Prince instead of Meathead.)  Think this is too farfetched? Think again. None other than 21st Century carnival barker Donald Trump named his son Baron. Tru dat. Look it up.

Li’l Baron (Barry for short) Frankenstein had no friends. You’d think being rich and having every toy in the Barony would be enough to ensure friends, but no, it was not. Baron Frankenstein’s father, Baron Frankenstein (and this time that’s his title, not his name- see how confusing this can be?) ordered every child in the land to attend his son’s birthday parties – and they did- but he could not force them to like his son.

You see, Li’l Baron Frankenstein was a total snot, a typical whiny rich brat who would never share his toys and, to be honest, smelled a lot like the pig sty. So one the one hand he was rich, but on the other hand he was selfish. On the one hand he had every toy in the world, on the other hand he had the hygiene of Balls Mahoney.

Unable to buy a friend, and with no other recourse, the snotty Baron pledged to build his very own best friend.

His very first attempt was a cross between a chicken and his nanny and it was an utter failure.

Upon hitting puberty, the young Baron was ready to make his second attempt- a cross between his new nanny and the busty chambermaid. This went nowhere but the Baron did entice them to pose for some interesting photographs.

Eventually, the friendless Baron grew and after his father died he became a friendless Baron. (See how silly that double-meaning name is? Grr.) He had no family, no wife, his dog ran away, etc etc etc. He soon realized that the only way for him to have a friend was to start off fresh with a clean slate. He spruced himself up, cleaned off that stench that clung to him, and opened wide his castle gates for the most lavish party anyone had ever seen, earning his the good graces of his countrymen forever.

Of course he didn’t, that would be stupid. He did the logical thing- he robbed some graves and stitched together several corpses to make a single male body more lithe and muscular than you’d expect from a totally heterosexual man.

Though I did point out that he was very lonely.

Well, after that it was the same old story. Man builds man out of dead men, living dead man rebuffs man’s advances, man sulks, living dead man moves out and into his own condo.

The moral of the story is that not only can you not buy love, you cannot build a living dead man out of the corpses of many dead man and expect it to like you.

So what happened to Baron Frankenstein?
The question is Imponderable.

HA HA, couldn’t help myself (a little inside joke there, click on the Imponderable link above, plug plug.)

Seriously, Baron Frankenstein one day did find love, albeit with a frog named Jessup who claimed to be an enchanted prince.

The undead creation of the Baron lives to this day, though he now goes by the name of Ben Bernanke.

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13 Responses to “My Memories of Frankenstein”

  1. zathra November 1, 2012 at 3:49 am #

    Reading this reminded me – I missed out on seeing Mel Brooks’ ” Young Frankenstein ” anywhere…… I had to get by watching classic Oingo Boingo videos like ” Dead Man’s Party ” on Youtube, & viewing ” Munsters ” & vintage ” Addams Family ” clips.

    Like

    • bmj2k November 1, 2012 at 3:53 am #

      Aw man I missed that tonight.

      Like

      • zathra November 1, 2012 at 4:02 am #

        I channel – surfed for any sign of Young Frankenstein this whole week practically. I saw the Frankenstein remake with DeNiro ( ? ) as the creature, but YF was nowhere to be found.

        Like

        • bmj2k November 1, 2012 at 8:06 am #

          Pretty sure it was on AMC yesterday, but I know for a fact I missed The Great Pumpkin, and that hurts.

          Like

          • zathra November 1, 2012 at 8:29 am #

            AMC seems to have focused on ” Friday the 13th “, ” Nightmare on Elm Street “, ” Halloween “, etc. They showed the classics later at night / early in the morning.
            AMC is also capitalizing on The Walking Dead. Who would guess that Andrew Lincoln ( The sheriff ) is British ? More proof that actors in the U.K. do great American accents, but not vice – versa. If an American actor tries to do a British accent, it sounds like a parody, most of the time.

            Like

            • bmj2k November 1, 2012 at 8:35 am #

              British actors crossing over here – Hugh Laurie, For example- are undeniably talented. But it makes you wonder about the dearth of American talent. Is there just too much tv? Does the demand overwhelm the available pool of good actors? And in what world is Charlie Sheen or half of the WB considered good actors?

              Like

              • zathra November 1, 2012 at 8:42 am #

                We need to start a special pool of DNA from American actors to ensure that there are further generations of U.S. talent ! I can get some skin – scrapings from the late Charlton Heston & kirk Douglas, among others. 😉
                We may have to follow Japan’s lead & create computer simulated celebrities.
                Charlie Sheen IS a good actor – in Bizarro World !

                Like

              • zathra November 1, 2012 at 8:45 am #

                & not ALL British actors do good American accents – Marina Sirtis was in a movie on the Syfy Channel where she did an abominable Southern / Texan / SWestern accent. Ugh.

                Like

                • bmj2k November 1, 2012 at 11:53 am #

                  Whatever accent she was doing in TNG was just odd,

                  Like

                  • zathra November 1, 2012 at 5:21 pm #

                    It was a Betazed / Betazoid accent….. Which happens to sound like a Greek or Mediterranean accent.

                    But the few times she’s done American – type accents, they’ve been piss – poor.

                    Accents are tricky. I was born in the Southeastern U.S., raised here, but whatever accent I had was burned away a long time ago, very likely by exposure to flatland furriners & revenoors….. 😉

                    Like

  2. Jim November 1, 2012 at 6:52 pm #

    Is this the version of Frankenstein you were reading but decided to shelve? I see why…

    Like

    • bmj2k November 1, 2012 at 7:19 pm #

      LOL, this was a lot less tedious than the original.

      Like

      • zathra November 1, 2012 at 7:24 pm #

        Reading this blog entry got me started listening to Thomas Dolby’s famous ” She Blinded Me With Science ” music vid, for some reason. 😉

        Like

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