Tag Archives: WCW

Spotlight: Allan Keyes- Fun With the Internets: News from Comic Con

30 Jul

July 30. 2012


Spotlight Week is here! All week we’ll be reading a variety of guest posts from some generous and creative people, all of whom have generously donated their time and efforts. I appreciate them all.

Starting us off is no stranger to The Tepid Ride, Mr. Allan Keyes. Mr. Keyes is my real-life brother and I  am very glad he’s taken a regular Monday gig here. He needs no further introduction, so here we go!

Anyone here play video games?  I’ve been a video game addict since I was a kid. I was playing games back when Pac- Man was single.  My current favorite is the Gears of War series. How could it not be? Look at the featured weapon:

                       

That’s right. It’s a high-powered assault rifle equipped with a chainsaw! Combine the killing power of a high-caliber weapon with the killing power of a buzzing chainsaw and this is what you get. How to describe the resulting instrument of gory, over-the-top violence? Royal diesel.  After all, who among us HASN’T wanted to create something like this?
 Thus affirming my belief that America is the greatest country in the world. We’re so well-armed that we can combine our weapons to maximize our destructive power in imaginative new ways. TAKE THAT CHINA!!!!

Anyway, I’ve been following the news from ComiCon, and there were several announcements of eagerly-awaited video game releases that I think are worth sharing with all you, even if you’re not quite as hardcore a gamer as me:

5) MAYHEM! MADNESS! MURDER! 

I think the title is a bit redundant though. I mean doesn’t mayhem usually follow naturally as a result of a rampage? I can attest that mayhem has indeed accompanied each of my rampages. Of course, my rampages have also been accompanied by getting tasered and then soiling myself in the ensuing convulsing, so let’s call it good.

Anyway, I like this game because it reminds me of an awful wrestler from back in the day – yes, he was a wrestling accountant:
 

This gentleman wrestled as Irwin R. Schyster.   Hey, IRS! Get it! GET IT!??! I’ll say this for Vince McMahon, he never made the mistake of being too subtle.  Of course, this is a perfect segue to the next high-profile release for Xbox:

4) WWF vs. WCW

 …..hey wait a minute. This isn’t new, it’s kind of old and busted. We’ve seen quite a few WWF vs. WCW releases over the years.  What’s the deal? Oh……………….not this WWF:
 

THIS WWF:

 

I gotta admit I like this one better. I think that panda can take the Hulkster (they both sport the same ‘stache and beard).  But this is a blatant rip-off of AWESOME FOX reality show Man vs. Beast: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man_vs._Beast , a show that pitted men in feats of strength against champions of the animal kingdom.  Here is just one synopsis of the competitions held:

“A group of 44 dwarfs lost a race against an Asian elephant to see which could pull a commercial jet a certain distance first.”

And this is why you come to MR. BTR folks. There’s very few places on the net where you could ever hope to read about something like this. What drugs was the creator of that show on?? Who even thinks of having dwarfs challenge an elephant at anything!??!?!?  I’m drooling just reading those words. I MUST SEE IF THIS IS ON DVD ANYWHERE.  You don’t get quality TV like this anymore, though Hardcore Pawn comes close.

 

3)  Everything old is new again!

An old classic gets a facelift:

 

You all knew this was coming.  For classic game fans, this is also available as part of a GameStop-exclusive “Before and After” two-pack along with another updated classic:

  

2) Get Your Freak On!

Love the Kinect. It allows you to play your game by moving your body in the appropriate way. So I have to admit, this one is an absolute natural:

 

This game has several unique levels. You can master solo play, or get up for group mode, where you can play with up to 5 people. Sure to be an orgy of fun! (This game requires a special controller, which is sold separately in adult shops near you)

Did you know that this is not the first pornographic video game? Not by a longshot. I present to you Custer’s Revenge:

 

Good lord. Folks, this is real and was available for the Atari 2600! The video game industry was so new, Atari couldn’t keep 3rd-party pornsters from manufacturing for its system. Good times my friends, good times. Anyway, the “plot” of this game was pretty straightforward: Custer arose from the grave (in more ways than one) and got his “revenge” on those damned injuns by molesting a squaw while arrows rained around him. No, seriously:

 

How’d he get his pants off over his boots? I must say, this is the hottest use of pixels since I learned that I could use an upside-down calculator to spell the word boobs. Gameplay was easy: Custer earned points for each……thrust. Sometimes an arrow capped him and ended the level.  “Swedish Erotica” my a$$.  This is about as erotic as a pair of batwings:

 

 And the most exciting release announcement from Comic Con….(and maybe containing a few future spoilers):

1) Hitting Rock Bottom:

 

 

Nowhere to go but up, right?

 

UGH. Maybe not. Nevermind that loser with the cheeseburgers, I’m the one who suffers for his art.

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Dancing With The Stars September 2011. Just When You Thought It Couldn’t Get Any Worse

7 Sep

September 7, 2011

Dancing with the Stars is the most misnamed show in America. Has there ever been a real star on there? OK, so maybe Celebrity Apprentice is just as bad, but at least there is one real star on that show- Donald Trump. This show has Tom Bergeron. He’s likeable enough, and funny, but hardly a marquee draw.

 This time around Dancing with the Stars has me wondering what it takes to be a star. Case in point:

Chaz Bono

The former Chastity Bono, he (which is how she wants to be known) is a star for two reasons. Famous parents and a sex change operation. That’s it. I have nothing against Chaz, nor do I have anything against a transgender competitor. But what has Chaz done on his own to make him a star? Nothing that I can tell. But I do think Chaz is more of a “star” than the next dancer.

Rob Kardashian

Who? Who? Who? Does anyone have any idea who this guy is? We know the Kardashian sisters. There’s Kim, the sexy one, there’s Kourtney, the cute one, and then there’s Khloe, who for some reason no one wants to admit is big and thick. (Not that is necessarily bad, look at Jordin Sparks, very attractive.) Khloe is easily the least attractive sister. And I’ll go there- in some pictures she is just ugly. And now there is this Rob guy, who is supposed to be their brother. Who cares? His parents didn’t even care enough to give a name that starts with a “K.” Either that or they were too stupid to think of Kevin, and if you’ve seen their show that may be true.

See?

Hope Solo

She is a major athlete. Seriously, she is! Oh, I see the problem, she is on the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. That’s why you don’t know her. No offense, but the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team is lower profile than the WNBA, and I am not even sure that still exists.

Popular Solos

Elisabetta Canalis

I’ll let the internet handle this:

She may be tabloid fodder for being George Clooney’s ex, but the gorgeous model-actress is a famous TV and film personality in her native Italy.

Wait a minute, is this the Italian version of Dancing with the Stars? Nope. So I guess she is here because of this:

And now take a good look at this.

J.R. Martinez

This is the man I am rooting for.

He didn’t always look this way.

From wiki: Jose Rene Martinez (born June 14, 1983) is an American actor, motivational speaker and retired U.S. Army. In 2003, J.R. experienced severe burns to over 40 percent of his body while serving as a United States Army infantryman in Iraq. After a long and difficult recovery, J.R. spends his time traveling the country extensively in his role as a spokesman and motivational speaker. J.R. has played the role of Brot Monroe in ABC’s daytime drama All My Children since November 7, 2008.

Think about it. After all he went through he went into acting. Acting. The Most Superficial, Appearance Driven, Only Based On Looks Career There Is. THAT takes courage.

And they had the nerve to put George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend on the same show and call them both “Stars.” Screw them.

Carson Kressley

Probably the first person on this list who can lay legitimate claim to being a star, albeit a totally annoying one. He was the Queer Eye For The Straight Guy guy that nobody liked regardless of sexuality. So I guess we owe him a debt of thanks. He showed the world that it is OK to hate a gay man as long as you hate him for his jerkiness and not his homosexuality.

Kristin Cavallari

Another one I had to look up. Here is all you need to know.

Chynna Phillips

Sort of the anti-Chaz Bono, Chynna has a famous pedigree but made a name for herself with the group Wilson Phillips and some acting.

This is how we remember her. Keep this image in mind when you see her on TV now.

Nancy Grace

Because nothing screams poise and elegance like Nancy Grace.

 

Ricki Lake

I really want to say something bad about her but I can’t. The worst I can say is that is that she embodies the old saying “jack of all trades, master of none.” She does some acting but isn’t that great an actress, she had a long running talk show but it wasn’t a tough job, it was closer to Jerry Springer than Oprah, and she has done a little game show hosting and producing. I know I said I couldn’t say anything bad about her but I guess I could say mediocre things. But at any rate, I like her. I’m just not sure why.

David Arquette

Arguably the biggest name here, and winning that argument is no big accomplishment, he is best known for being dumped by Courtney Cox, but to some of us, he is best known as THE WORST WCW CHAMPION EVER.

Yes, this is real. He was a WCW Wrestler.

Ron Artest

He’s a basketball player and I am not a basketball fan. However, I do know that he is changing his name to Metta World Peace, an odd choice considering that he was a major player in the The Malice at the Palace brawl, an altercation between the Detroit Pistons and Indiana Pacers on November 19, 2004. It resulted in nine players being suspended without pay for a total of 146 games, which led to $10 million in salary being lost by the players. Five players were also charged with assault, and all five of them were eventually sentenced to a year on probation and community service. Five fans also faced criminal charges and were banned from attending Pistons home games for life. Artest was the most heavily fined player. He ran into the stands and attacked an innocent fan.

And there you have it. Next season, expect more stars like Mugsy Bowes, the guy who clogged the toilet at the gas station, and a random name from the Indiana phone book.

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