Tag Archives: Dancing With the Stars

The Celebrity Apprentice: Week Seven

1 Apr

April 1, 2012

Three hours this week so let’s dive in.

HOUR ONE

THE TASK: Create and sell a New York celebrity guide-book
THE MEN’S PROJECT MANAGER: Dee
THE WOMEN’S PROJECT MANAGER: Teresa

Teresa stepped up to lead and Aubrey immediately crapped all over her, as you’d expect. But to be fair, so did Debbie.

The teams will be selling the guide-book and this will be more or less a fund-raising task. Penn came up with the men’s idea which Clay was not so hot on. 

The women were more or less just jumping in front of a landmark, snapping a picture, and moving on. It was very fast but it seemed like forever watching at home because we had to endure listening to Aubrey complain about everything and everyone while simultaneously putting herself over. Ever watch 30 Rock? She is becoming Jenna Maroney. Meanwhile, the women are shooting pictures on iPads yet they have to rush back to get the photos to the team. WHAT? They can’t email them? Upload them to Dropbox? Flickr? Instagram? Seriously?

The men are more or less moving smoothly, which makes boring reading, so if I focus on the women you understand why. The most exciting thing the men had going on was Paul Senior’s total ignorance of Manhattan. “I moved to the country about a hundred years ago,” he said. The men started calling all their heavy hitter friends, including a call from Lou to Vince McMahon. I hope he gets on camera! And give it up for Jay Leno, he sent Arsenio a blank check. “Fill in whatever you need.” Wow.

Back to Team Conflict, the women were in full argue mode, with Lisa attacking Dayana for being too little too late. “Yapping! Stupidity!” Lisa then cried on camera about all the stress and annoyances from her teammates. What about me? I have to write about all of it! Dayana is clearly not strong but Lisa is too domineering.

“People do not realize I am a hard worker.” -Dayana, and if you have to say it then you are in trouble since it should be obvious to anyone who can see if you work hard,

While selling the books, Aubrey offered a free kiss with every book. (Insert your own joke here.)

For the men, and proving he was a good guy, Michael Andretti showed up and spent $20,000 on a guide-book. Dee was getting on Arsenio for not raising money, but don’ t forget his Jay Leno check, which seemed to be lost in transit.

The Blue Man Group showed up for Penn. Teller arrived and gave $20,000 out of his own pocket. Haven’t seen the Blue Man Group? Anything goes, but this was too much. As the capstone of their performance they exploded a balloon full of money, which the crowd immediately stampeded and pocketed. Clay said he’d be surprised if they got half of the money back from the crowd.

And back to the Aubrey show. “I may not have brought in the most money but I brought in the most people who brought money. Everyone I called showed up” So what? If you have 100 people with 2 dollars each that’s still only $200, and that is all that counts. Ugh, she will take any possible chance to make herself look good, if not at all smart.

So what about Arsenio’s check from Jay Leno? It did not arrive. It got lost in traffic. In other words, if the men lose, it has to be on his shoulders since he brought in no cash.

To pick the best guide-book, Trump brought in Regis Philbin, who must be the busiest retired guy around. Where has he not shown up since he left the morning show?

8:47. Boardroom #1

Dayana had the target on her back. Aubrey attacked her (d’uh), Lisa attacked her, and she tried to defend herself but she isn’t that skilled.

“This team is driven by me, I do 90% of all the work,” Aubrey  I mean Lisa.

But it wasn’t just Lisa and Dayana. Teresa attacked Debbie viciously and showed her total lack of class.

“Hard to believe fellas, it’s a tough evening.” -Trump to the men, in disbelief about what he was seeing from the women.

Who had the better book? Regis picked the women, but the task will be won by the funds raised. However, there was $35,000 on the line from Toshiba for the best book so it was important.

Clay on the blue man group: “It was a disaster, it was a horrible idea.” Penn argued that it wasn’t their money to begin with so if they lost some, big deal. Trump did not buy it. Clay was not diplomatic: “It was stupid!”

The task was thisclose: $14 decided the winner.

THE WINNER: The Men. Good thing too because either Arsenio for not getting any money or Penn for losing money would have been gone. So what does this mean? More fighting from the women in the boardroom. And this is still the first task.

BTW- the men seemed to have zero math skills, being totally befuddled as to who won the task.

HOUR TWO

The women in the boardroom pointed out that they had the better book, it was down to who brought in the least cash. Who raised the least? Aubrey.

Meanwhile, Teresa continued to attack Debbie, who made Teresa sound like a total imbecile, but to be fair, Teresa did a good job of that herself. Lisa nodded her head in agreement with Debbie. “Did you lose because of Debbie?” No. I know you are a big fan of Aubrey (why?) but is she raised $15 more you would have won.”

“Debbie, who should I fire?” Teresa.
“Debbie who was your weakest link?” “Despite everything I said about Teresa, she is a hard worker. Dayana.”

Dayana’s big argument is that she is never heard, which is true, but she has so little to say. On the other hand, she is on a team with a lot of loudmouths.

“Dayana, who was the weakest link?” The one who brought in the least amount of money, Aubrey.

GOING TO THE BOARDROOM: Teresa, Dayana, and Debbie. Dumb move! Why not bring back the one who raised the least????? Debbie said that and Teresa had no answer. I think this week either Dayana or Teresa goes. Neither has distinguished herself in the past weeks.

Don’t forget! There are still almost two hours and another entire task to go.

“Teresa do you have a personal problem with Debbie?” No. “She picks her weeks when to deliver and when not to.” Teresa claimed for the fifth time tonight that she had to babysit Debbie but it didn’t seem like that on the show I watched. She also took a shot at Debbie’s career, and while we all do that, what has Teresa accomplished?

“Why didn’t you bring Aubrey back?” going forward we need strong players.” Really? Check last week’s post to see how untrue that is.  Meanwhile Debbie’s problem is that Dayana raised more money than Debbie. Even Debbie said Teresa should have brought back Aubrey instead of Dayana. Trump agreed and hinted that she would have been fired, but the writing was on the wall, so Debbie Gibson, you’re fired. And then Trump repeated “you were right Deborah, she should have brought back Aubrey.” Damn, Aubrey skated again.

Back in the green room, Aubrey tried to attack Dee, and Arsenio said he wants no part of being on a team with Aubrey. “Keep her in another room, lock her up, throw away the key.” Lisa just shook her head. and when she saw who walked out of the boardroom, she felt even lower.

The women have lost 5 out of 7 tasks so it is time to switch up teams. Want to bet Arsenio ends up with Aubrey?

9:25. Part Two

This is in effect another episode. Expect it to get split up in reruns.

The new teams: Teresa and Aubrey go the men, Lou, Penn, and Dee go to the women. (“Have fun Arsenio!” -Don Junior.)

THE TASK: Create an interactive health segment, “Walk with Walgreen’s.”
THE “MEN’S” PROJECT MANAGER (UNANIMOUS): Arsenio.
THE “WOMEN’S” PROJECT MANAGER (FORTE): Lou, and when Trump asked him to do some push-ups Aubrey could not stand being out of the spotlight and she fell to the floor and did some push-ups too.

Lisa “I am in Hell. Lou brings nothing to the table.”

Lou’s problem, in addition to having to deal with the women, is that Penn has to fly out for a show and will miss a lot for the task. His other problem will be managing Lisa. However, it is a fitness task so Lou might be the right choice.

Clay on the one hand has Arsenio still with him. On the other hand, he now has Aubrey and Teresa. And Aubrey never shuts up.

Aubrey: “Now that I see Arsenio in action I am not impressed.” She should be impressed that Arsenio has not yet tossed her out of a window. For example when they were brainwashing walking, she said “Arsenio, you could be the person who took a walk away from the industry.” She is just asking for it, and if the promos are correct, she is going to get it.

Lou decided he’d be the host. Penn argue that there were three professional speakers on the team, but Lou shut him down. I think Lou should be the host since he is the most associated with fitness.

On the other side, Arsenio’s team is going to do a game show with Arsenio as host. Now when you watch, remember that Arsenio is team captain because Aubrey never shut up. Ever. At all.

She tossed out that line about Arsenio and he said “She’s getting on my nerves and I don’t know how much more I can stand.” You should have seen the look of shock on his face.

Paul Senior: “Aubrey is a very controlling personality.” So much so that she would not even let Arsenio see the picture of him she took. (Remember, Arsenio is the project manager. I feel I need to keep saying that.) If you did not see the show, she near-totally took over and overruled him, argued with him, and refused to listen to him. when Eric Trump walked in , who explained the plan to him? Aubrey. Eric recognized that Arsenio was humoring her but he was still surprised. 

Arsenio: “She is diametrically opposed to anything that is ‘team.’ I am sick of her!” I really hope the blowup comes soon.

Hour Two ends with the remaining men HATING Aubrey. I’d fit right in on that team.

HOUR THREE

Lisa’s private Hell continued, dealing with Dayana and now Lou.

The presentations began with Team Lou (I’ll clarify the teams soon) and Penn ROYALLY SCREWED UP and called Walgreen’s “Wal-Mart.” This is bad. Meanwhile, the execs loved Lou.

Team Arsenio came out and gave the crowd t-shirts. Paul Senior was the first “contestant” on the game show. For everyone who suspects he got smaller from coming off steroids, he said it was walking that brought him down to size. 

“As the project manager, I succeeded at the hardest job: Putting up with a lot of BS from Aubrey.” -Arsenio.

10:17. The Boardroom again.

Lisa tried to take down Lou in the boardroom, saying that a lot of the work fell on her. Lou replied that he went by people’s strengths.

Clay said he loved Arsenio as project manager. He also said that Teresa was the better team player. (By far.)

Eric: Was Aubrey overbearing? “She is just different than everyone else.”

Trump picked up that Clay does not see her as a team player. Clay slightly backed off but diplomatically backed Arsenio.

The women all agreed that the men’s product was better and Aubrey, who NEVER misses a chance to self-promote volunteered that she wrote the quotes and Arsenio said she was lying. “Typing is not writing.” He called her ont he fact that she did not write his quote. Trump watched carefully.

10:25, commercial break, and I would like to point out that even after two and a half hours this show is not boring.

Arsenio continued to attack her harder than anyone ever did, and frankly it has been long overdue. And on the other side, Lisa constantly looked like she was sick. For some reason she loves Aubrey. And it was not just Arsenio. when asked if he agrees with Arsenio, Clay said an immediate “yes.”

Aubrey then said she taught Teresa everything she knew, and Trump took her to task to talking down to her. And guess what? THE FAKE TEARS STARTED AGAIN!

Paul, Clay, and Arsenio all agreed that Aubrey should be fired. (Teresa was not asked.)

THE WINNER: Arsenio, who showed an amazing amount of emotion for the win. On the other hand, he might have been better off losing because he would have had a shot at getting rid of Aubrey. But of course, this is for charity so you always want to win.

Aubrey: “The environment is so unhealthy and ugly I don’t know if this is the right place for me.” Are they teasing that she will quit? Yeah, we should be that lucky. If you have not seen the show you might wonder if I am spending too much time on her but no, the show gives her that much focus.

So who should get fired? Lou said Dee. and Trump pointed out that he worked on the box and the execs hated the box. Eric pointed out that the execs loved Lou. Everyone else said Lou (or project manager) and Lisa also said Dayana, of course. “Their version of 100% equals my 50%.” Wow.

GOING TO THE BOARDROOM: Lou, Dayana, and Dee. Even though Penn made a huge mistake, Lou defended him and said Penn was a stronger player.

Back in the War Room, Aubrey is M.I.A. and probably that’s good too, as Arsenio was still steaming over her. He was more than streaming, he was screaming. “Trump is not going to put his banner on her stank ass! F@#K her! F@#K her!”

Lost in his rant may have been the fact that before the show he did research and googled all of his competitors. Very smart man.

Meanwhile, back in the Boardroom…

Lou stuck with his “I gave 110%” theme but Dee countered with “the rest of us gave 120%.”

However…

DEE YOU’RE FIRED. I am not surprised, but in the back of my head I thought Lou’s number was up this week.

NEXT WEEK

Where’s Aubrey? And Lisa’s mental breakdown.

The Celebrity Apprentice: Week Six

25 Mar

March 25, 2012

The Donald fired Tia Carrere last week. Ok, she really fired herself. She took no one into the boardroom and fell on her sword. Dumb move. Now she has to explain to her charity that she gave up without a fight.

THE TASK:  Create a launch party for a new Crystal Light product
MEN’S PROJECT MANAGER: Clay Aiken
WOMEN’S PROJECT MANAGER: Aubrey O’Day (who sucked up to the executives immediately, literally in the same breath in which she said she’d be project manager.)

Sassy. Vibrant. Fun. Is that how you think of Crystal Light? Nah, me either, but that is how they are going to market their new fake-cocktail line. A party in a bottle, they said.

Clay’s theme was “life’s a beach.” Penn is still felling petulant since he was taken to task by Clay last week. Frankly, ten out of ten for honesty, but zero for acting like a baby. He admitted he was bowing out this week.

Paul Senior go to use his building skills. Clay got to use his singing voice. Dee designed the graphics, and Lou… was there too. Lou and Paul got tasked with opening up tiny umbrellas for fancy drinks.

Lisa is having an issue with Patricia over Patricia’s command of the English language, or lack thereof. Lisa used to be an editor with Rolling Stone. Had no idea. Anyway, the women are doing The Garden of Crystal Delights, “Stir your healthy desire,” whatever that is. According to Don Jr, they are missing the fun.

Lisa and Aubrey, separately, have issues with Patricia, and Patricia thinks they are both killing the team by dominating the others. No matter who think is right, Patricia designed the graphics and left off the Crystal Light logo. Could you blame Aubrey for approving them? No, they were never sent for her approval.

Good line from Allen Keyes: Dayana Mendoza came off like a cut-rate Sofia Vergara.

Debbie is going to record an original Crystal Light song, which you can tell annoys Aubrey but at least this time Aubrey is using Debbie to her advantage. Aubrey never misses a chance to put someone lese down and make herself look good, which never ends up making her look good. I’d lover her to get fired this week but honestly, the show would lose a good villain.

Then the party started.

The women’s event looked elegant, not fun. (Aubrey: “I did an amazing job.”)

The men’s event was fun but didn’t look so hot, and when it opened, no one was there. Arsenio went out to beg for people to come in. They had no one there. Some party. Then suddenly they were full and everyone was dressed, somewhat, in beachwear. It was a beach party complete with limbo contests. They called their friends and told them to come in beach attire, and there were some women in bikinis there, so you know Trump will pick them as the winner.

The women gave out free copies of Debbie’s Crystal Light song, and I will bet you anything that not one is ever listened to again. On the other hand, Clay sang “Under the Boardwalk” a cappella and sounded great. Meanwhile in the boardroom, Debbie forgot the lyrics, which Ivanka lost no time in pointing out.

Ever wanted to see Paul Senior in a Hawaiian short and lei? Make sure you see this episode.

10:12. The boardroom.

I am not happy that women feel so good because it reflects well on Aubrey. I sincerely hope she loses.

Teresa, if you lose who should get fired? Dayana.
Dayana, who would you fire? Aubrey.
Lisa, who would  you fire? Dayana (for not being as creative as the others.)

On the men’s side, Trump said the executives loved Clay. He also pointed out that Arsenio was wearing a Donald Trump tie. He never loses a chance to promote. But getting back to Clay, the rest of the team loved him too. I’ve said it before, he is impressive. Even Penn was positive (despite saying he has no way to judge how good a party is. Seriously???)

Clay, if you lose, who will you bring back to the boardroom? Oops, commercial break!

10:26: Clay, who would you bring back to the boardroom? “Everyone did an incredible job…. but…. ” Trump jumped in who will you bring back?” Clay: Dee and Lou or Paul. Is it a good move to bring in Lou after he impressed Trump last week?

Who would Aubrey bring back? Dayana and Patricia, no surprise.

THE WINNER: The Men. YES! AUBREY BETTER BE FIRED!

The men turn on the TV and what is the first thing they see? Aubrey crying in the boardroom. FAKE! FAKE! FAKE! (“I’m her fighting for something I really believe in.” Yeah, her career.)

AND NOW I HAVE TO CALL SHENANIGANS. Because she cried, Trump gave her charity $10,000. What about Tia’s charity? What about George’s charity? I am not begrudging Aubrey’s charity the money, not at all, but what about the other charities which got nothing?

Aubrey: “I am not getting fired. I am in invaluable member of this team.”
Trump: “As project manger don’t you think you should be fired because you lost?”
Aubrey: “No.”

Debbie (whom Allan Keyes called Not -Tiffany, and for her following brainless comments I think I should too) said Aubrey was an integral part of all the tasks, she is the creative force behind the team. Dayana countered with “but we only won two of the last six tasks!” Yes!

GOING TO THE BOARDROOM: Aubrey, Patricia, and Dayana.

Aubrey continued to cry in the boardroom, all fake, and did claimed she loved Dayana but she had to be fired. She is nothing but smarmy and smug and annoying. Team Trump focused on the branding issue, which was all Dayana.

According to Aubrey, every task the women won was due to her concept. And Dayana and Patricia let it go unchallenged! What about the four they lost? Did she stay home those weeks? If Aubrey gets by this week it will be totally due to the other’s inability to fight.

They loved the party, they didn’t love the details, so

Patricia, you’re fired! DAMN.

Next Week: The show starts at 8! The teams get shuffled! Two tasks! Arsenio loses it!

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