Tag Archives: Mr. Do’s Castle.

Allan Keyes is Getting Old

2 Sep

September 2, 2013

keyes

So I learned a valuable life lesson on Thursday:  It’s beyond humiliating to die on the first level of Burger Time while a 7-year old watches.

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I suppose that odd epiphany merits a drop of explanation. Unfortunately you can’t get the whole story….yet.  So for now, let’s just say that on Thursday, Mr. B and I had cause to be in a certain New Jersey town for a certain appointment, which we will definitely both be writing about in the near future when we are able. And during our stay in that certain town, we passed the coolest vintage arcade, where I beclowned myself in front of a slackjawed kid.

This was the coolest old-school arcade, they had all the BEST games from when I was a kid:

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So of course, I basically dragged Mr. B in. Not that he needed much convincing, I could barely tear him away from the Turbo machine when it was time to go.

I was a fat, four-eyed nerdy kid with a big mop of unkempt hair (I’ve changed plenty over the years – I’m going bald) but when I walked into the arcade, it was my dojo and I was the black belt star pupil. I’d go for an hour on Centipede, or beat you in Street Fighter 2 faster than you could say Hadoken  Shoryuken! How good was I at these things – any and all of these things? Let’s put it this way: I beat Street Fighter 2 on one quarter using Zangief – and I didn’t once use his spinning piledriver. Now you probably had a life, so the last paragraph was gibberish for you, I’ll translate: I WAS THAT. DAMN. GOOD.

So I swagger in, still on a high from that certain appointment, and I see all my old favorites, and I’m so excited……until I start to play.

And die. And die. And die.

The fail started quick, when I lasted all of 20 seconds on Donkey Kong Jr.  I mean c’mon, I do complicated data mining operations every day at work, and I couldn’t get any traction on this:

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And it wasn’t just rust either.  In successive order, I was quickly dispatched on the following: Spy Hunter, Double Dragon, Alien Syndrome, Mario Brothers, and  Zaxxon, before bottoming out on Burger Time in front of the kid.

It’s kind of deflating to be defeated by primitive pattern-based 1981 programming.  I rallied at the end with a good run on Mrs. Pac-Man (kind of a gimmie really, but I needed some something to salve my ego)

I suppose I enjoyed playing all those cool old games from my youth again, but stinking up the joint (and paying for the privilege) kind of takes the bloom off the rose. So what did I do? I went home and proceeded to get absolutely skunked at Call of Duty on my X-box. Some days you just can’t catch a break!

In the meantime, there’s a Donkey Kong kill screen coming up if you’re interested:

 

 

 

 

Spotlight: Allan Keyes- Fun With the Internets: News from Comic Con

30 Jul

July 30. 2012


Spotlight Week is here! All week we’ll be reading a variety of guest posts from some generous and creative people, all of whom have generously donated their time and efforts. I appreciate them all.

Starting us off is no stranger to The Tepid Ride, Mr. Allan Keyes. Mr. Keyes is my real-life brother and I  am very glad he’s taken a regular Monday gig here. He needs no further introduction, so here we go!

Anyone here play video games?  I’ve been a video game addict since I was a kid. I was playing games back when Pac- Man was single.  My current favorite is the Gears of War series. How could it not be? Look at the featured weapon:

                       

That’s right. It’s a high-powered assault rifle equipped with a chainsaw! Combine the killing power of a high-caliber weapon with the killing power of a buzzing chainsaw and this is what you get. How to describe the resulting instrument of gory, over-the-top violence? Royal diesel.  After all, who among us HASN’T wanted to create something like this?
 Thus affirming my belief that America is the greatest country in the world. We’re so well-armed that we can combine our weapons to maximize our destructive power in imaginative new ways. TAKE THAT CHINA!!!!

Anyway, I’ve been following the news from ComiCon, and there were several announcements of eagerly-awaited video game releases that I think are worth sharing with all you, even if you’re not quite as hardcore a gamer as me:

5) MAYHEM! MADNESS! MURDER! 

I think the title is a bit redundant though. I mean doesn’t mayhem usually follow naturally as a result of a rampage? I can attest that mayhem has indeed accompanied each of my rampages. Of course, my rampages have also been accompanied by getting tasered and then soiling myself in the ensuing convulsing, so let’s call it good.

Anyway, I like this game because it reminds me of an awful wrestler from back in the day – yes, he was a wrestling accountant:
 

This gentleman wrestled as Irwin R. Schyster.   Hey, IRS! Get it! GET IT!??! I’ll say this for Vince McMahon, he never made the mistake of being too subtle.  Of course, this is a perfect segue to the next high-profile release for Xbox:

4) WWF vs. WCW

 …..hey wait a minute. This isn’t new, it’s kind of old and busted. We’ve seen quite a few WWF vs. WCW releases over the years.  What’s the deal? Oh……………….not this WWF:
 

THIS WWF:

 

I gotta admit I like this one better. I think that panda can take the Hulkster (they both sport the same ‘stache and beard).  But this is a blatant rip-off of AWESOME FOX reality show Man vs. Beast: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man_vs._Beast , a show that pitted men in feats of strength against champions of the animal kingdom.  Here is just one synopsis of the competitions held:

“A group of 44 dwarfs lost a race against an Asian elephant to see which could pull a commercial jet a certain distance first.”

And this is why you come to MR. BTR folks. There’s very few places on the net where you could ever hope to read about something like this. What drugs was the creator of that show on?? Who even thinks of having dwarfs challenge an elephant at anything!??!?!?  I’m drooling just reading those words. I MUST SEE IF THIS IS ON DVD ANYWHERE.  You don’t get quality TV like this anymore, though Hardcore Pawn comes close.

 

3)  Everything old is new again!

An old classic gets a facelift:

 

You all knew this was coming.  For classic game fans, this is also available as part of a GameStop-exclusive “Before and After” two-pack along with another updated classic:

  

2) Get Your Freak On!

Love the Kinect. It allows you to play your game by moving your body in the appropriate way. So I have to admit, this one is an absolute natural:

 

This game has several unique levels. You can master solo play, or get up for group mode, where you can play with up to 5 people. Sure to be an orgy of fun! (This game requires a special controller, which is sold separately in adult shops near you)

Did you know that this is not the first pornographic video game? Not by a longshot. I present to you Custer’s Revenge:

 

Good lord. Folks, this is real and was available for the Atari 2600! The video game industry was so new, Atari couldn’t keep 3rd-party pornsters from manufacturing for its system. Good times my friends, good times. Anyway, the “plot” of this game was pretty straightforward: Custer arose from the grave (in more ways than one) and got his “revenge” on those damned injuns by molesting a squaw while arrows rained around him. No, seriously:

 

How’d he get his pants off over his boots? I must say, this is the hottest use of pixels since I learned that I could use an upside-down calculator to spell the word boobs. Gameplay was easy: Custer earned points for each……thrust. Sometimes an arrow capped him and ended the level.  “Swedish Erotica” my a$$.  This is about as erotic as a pair of batwings:

 

 And the most exciting release announcement from Comic Con….(and maybe containing a few future spoilers):

1) Hitting Rock Bottom:

 

 

Nowhere to go but up, right?

 

UGH. Maybe not. Nevermind that loser with the cheeseburgers, I’m the one who suffers for his art.

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